Woman shocked when husband has whole other wife and child; he says; 'You don't get it, my parents arranged this.' AITA? UPDATED
When this woman is shocked to find out her husband has a whole other family, she asks the internet:
"My (F24) husband (M36) has a whole other wife and child. Where do I go from here? AITA?"
This is a long and complicated story, I'm sorry if some things are confusing/don't make sense I am a mess right now and trying to wrap my brain around everything also. I met my husband "Jake" (fake name) about 4 years ago on tinder.
Jake comes from a different country to where I am from, but he was my type and when we started talking I was blown away by how charming and sweet he was. This version of Jake never went away, he has always been this amazingly charming and sweet person.
He's the type of person that when you've finished having a conversation with him you feel better about yourself. Just to give you some context.
He and I fell in love quickly and got married fast also, he was very eager to start a family as it gave his citizenship in my country more legitimacy. By our second anniversary, we were married and I was pregnant with our son.
Jake still works in his home country, and so every few months he flies back and stays there with his mother (or so I thought) completes the work required and then flies back. The rest of the work he can do at home.
The last few years with Jake have genuinely been the most amazing years of my life and this is why the last week feels like such a fever dream. This is hard to explain but a person on Facebook messaged me last Tuesday claiming that Jake had been cheating on me and that they had proof.
I genuinely didn't believe this person and at first just ignored them, but then curiosity got the better of me and I messaged back and asked what proof they had.
They proceeded to send me a large collection of photos of Jake with another woman and two boys. I know these photos were relatively recent, as he died his hair blond for the barbie movie (at my request) and has kept it like that ever since.
The person told me that the woman in the photo was his wife and the two boys were his sons. I obviously didn't want to believe it, I tried to find ways it was fake. Photoshop, AI, whatever I don't even know.
I think the person blocked me after that, as their account just comes up as "Facebook user" now when I look at the chats.
When I had got home I confronted Jake and he started crying and confessed that everything was true and that he had a WIFE and TWO SONS, who looked to be about 13 and 9...
(but I could be wrong that's just my best guess), in his home country that HE WAS STILL MARRIED TO the woman. I asked him how he could do this to me, how could he have lied to me for so long?
I told him I was going to expose him to the other wife and he said not to bother because she already knows and 'supports him'. I left and have been staying with my mother ever since.
This has been the hardest week of my life and some days I genuinely haven't wanted to get out of bed. Jake has been texting me saying that he will break things off with the other wife completely if that's what I wanted and he texted me saying he 'thought I wouldn't mind' which genuinely made me sob into my pillow. I have never felt so low.
Part of me, stupidly I know, wants to take him back. The years I had with him were the best I have ever had but this betrayal is just... I don't even know how to explain the hurt I feel.
Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
gres34 writes:
He chose you because you were young and naïve. He was charming and sweet because he was conning you. He had a plan the whole time.
His wife is supporting him because he is bringing her and the kids over once he establishes residency. EDIT: This is debatable, as some commenters have pointed out, but either way, operating strictly off of what has been presented here...
if he has actually told his wife and that was her actual response, that is likely to be the agreement that was forged, whether or not he actually honors it.
He is a user and is still using you now because he believes he has control over you. Do not go back to this person. What you knew is not reality and he is counting on the illusion he created to be powerful enough for you to stay.
You know what you need to do. You're understandably in shock but please get your family and friends involved to support you - you did nothing wrong. Please consult a lawyer ASAP to see what your options are because like others have said, fraud has been committed.
gragar0 writes:
Girl… I totally understand your emotions are all over the place but come on! To even consider taking this ass clown back is stupid. Yes. I said it. It’s stupid. He had a whole ass family he lied about for YEARS! He’s married and it ain’t to you. He said he would leave her for you? WTF?
Would you really take back a man that lied to you for 4 years, had a wife and 2 kids already THEN illegally married you? You would really want a man that can’t be trusted, will most definitely cheat again and has zero issues abandoning his wife and kids? Honestly?
IMO taking back a man that does something like that screams mental health issues. Take what is left of your self respect and cut him out of your like and don’t look back.
ahaedh0 writes:
OP, contact an attorney. ASAP. Follow your attorney's instructions. Get a divorce going, get his green card revoked, everything. Get all your important legal and personal documents out and safe at your parents' house. Get your kid out of there, and fight for full custody AND child support, as well as any alimony.
Tell the other woman about your marriage. He says she knows, but does she? Tell her everything. Tell her about your child with him. Don't tell her you're taking legal actions against him outside of a divorce and full custody of your son.
Stay with your parents or a trusted friend. Back up any texts, Facebook Messenger, Snapchat, WhatsApp, etc, to have evidence about his behavior and actions. Screenshot anything you can't directly save. Change any and all passwords, and remove him from any bank accounts you share.
You NEED to get out of that situation, hell or high water. Because he is the hell, and you're up shit's creek without a paddle in a rising tide.
Cooperate with any and all legal officers regarding this situation. Cops, judges, investigators, etc. You and your child's well-being depend on it.
princesspacake writes:
A lot of comments have already addressed the main issues here but I just wanted to address the emotional side of your situation.
You’re only 24 and Jake was likely your first long term relationship, I know it feels like he was the love of your life and you don’t know if you’ll find that with someone else. I know it’s scary to start again and to think that you’ll never find love like that again.
I promise you, your best years will not have been spent with a liar and a conman. What you had with Jake wasn’t real, he wasn’t real. The man you loved never existed and he never loved you back.
I know it hurts to hear this and it sounds like this huge horrible thing but it’s actually a good thing. It means that what’s waiting for you out there, with another person, is going to be so much bigger and stronger and more fulfilling than anything you felt or experienced with Jake.
You get to experience that real, true, deep love with someone who truly loves you and, after awhile, anything you felt for Jake will fade away to a point where you’ll wonder if you ever truly loved Jake at all.
What happened is heartbreaking but it’s also a blessing because now you get to be the one to leave. You get to set things right and make sure Jake’s plan to use you and defraud immigration don’t come to fruition.
You get to derail this evil plot, take back what he stole from you, and make him regret thinking that you were dumb enough to let him continue using and manipulating you.
Now’s the time to take back your power and go scorched earth on this scumbag. Don’t let him continue using you and wasting your time. Your best years are still all ahead of you and your first step in getting there is leaving Jake in the dust!
You’ll see just how insignificant Jake is in a few years when you find someone who’s truly worth loving.
rgonzalez writes:
I think at first you need to consider your legal options. Get the marriage annulled. With exception of Saudi Arabia and Iran, you can’t marry multiple people. But more importantly, as long as it’s illegal in your country, you can have this happen. It’s an important distinction.
Between getting divorced and having your marriage annulled. It’s as if the marriage never existed. Doing that will help you establish the next thing, which is most likely his immigration fraud.
You need to retain an attorney about this because if he’s applying for citizenship in your country, this can be an issue because you could be accused of Trying to commit citizenship fraud, and your freedom could be in danger.
About the romantic part, time will heal all wounds. At the same time, this guy is not going to leave his wife and Two children. He may be lying to you telling you that the wife already knows.
He may just be saying that so that you don’t bother contacting or trying to get in touch with them or anyone else he may know in his country.
He’s just trying to throw you off. keep in mind that if you combined breaking up with him and the whole immigration, fraud issue, that it is very possible that he may not see you again. Or his child. You need to prepare for that very real possibility.
aher57 writes:
This man is a covert sociopathic narcissist. I’m so sorry. Please get support from a therapist well versed in narcissistic abuse. He’s not going to change. Learn about narcissism.
He’s a classic case it sounds like but very covert. They’re the most dangerous, confusing, heartbreaking kind and can fool the people closest to them for decades.
catblakc54 writes:
1-if you go back to this so called perfect life, it’s only a matter of time, probably only months before it shatters in your face for good. You won’t be able to do anything and you and your kid will be homeless and without a family.
2-this whole relationship is based on lies. Just lies. Plain lies. That’s it. What you believed to be a fairy tale was a trap in which you were an easy bait.
3-now that you know that he’s trash, even if you decided to put yourself and your baby in this pathetic life arrangement, you would expose yourself to legal consequences that would impede the rest of your and your child’s life. Is that what you want?
4-you’ve been elected for all this shit because you are naive. While this can be a cute quality to have, this men exploited it to the max because he knew you would be blind to all his shenanigans.
The proof: you’re still only seeing the bright side of this lie. Nothing more. THIS MAN DOES NOT LOVE YOU. And I cannot stress this enough. THIS HUMAN BEING DOES NOT LOVE YOU. He doesn’t care for you. You’re a means to an end. A puppet he’s using to fulfill his plan. Nothing more.
Like I said, it’s only a matter of time before he gets rid of you because you’re no longer useful to him. 5-go get tested for STD’s.
6-please take this time to reflect on why you fell so hard for this liar. No relationship is perfect and if it was, it’s because it was a play well written only designed to create a scenario you ONLY would believe.
7-like others have pointed, you should be beyond pissed at this point. Wanting to physically break everything that belongs to him pissed.
Not considering going back. Or if you do I’m sorry but you have no spine and no self respect. Time for some therapy and find out why getting abused so badly doesn’t anger you. Good luck.
flafla writes:
He’s actually committing polygamy, which he could be charged if you’re in the U.S. Why would he be on Tinder and match with someone from another country? He clearly has ulterior motives. Unfortunately for you, you’re merely an instrument to get him and his family whatever they are seeking.
Run! Change your name if you have to. This could get dangerous for you. Take away a man’s hopes, dreams, a new life for his family, he may doing something drastic. Cut off all communication. If you need to, get a protective order.
If he makes any form of contact, virtual, electronic, or physical, he’s arrested. Normal, rational, critical thinking people do not do this sort of stuff. You need to look out for yourself and your child. That is the most important thing. I wish you the best in everything
adadher writes:
See a lawyer right now. Your "husband" may not be the only one who is now in deep legal trouble. You could be too - in my country at least continuing to try to get spousal residence for him will mean you are open to charges, fines, and prison in addition to your not...
husband because you know your marriage is legally invalid. Even if he divorced his wife and married you, you may still fall under the umbrella of residential fraud. Don't leave your son with no parents left to care for him - with his Dad deported and his Mom in prison.
Before you were a victim of a fraud scheme to get citizenship. If you don't report this guy, you are now an accomplice. You need to be strong for your son and make sure that his father's deceptions and illegal actions don't end up leaving your son without a safe and stable home.
You also should probably delete any posts you've made concerning this and not talk about it with anyone until you've got advice from your lawyer. "Right to remain silent or anything you say could be used against you in a court of law" and all that.
I'm sorry for all the pain and emotional fallout you must be going through, but right now you need to try and put that aside until you've done what needs to be done to protect yourself.
And now, OP's update, 1 month later:
Hi guys, First and foremost, I would like to thank you all for all the advice and support everyone has given me since I posted my original post 4 days ago. It's been over a week since I left to go stay at my mother and this time away from Jake has been so good for and allowed me to see what was really important to me.
Since I originally posted, Jake and I have been talking and he let me know that he has broken things off with his other "wife", apparently it wasn't even a legal marriage thing.
He explained to me that when he was a child his parents and his "wife's" parents arranged for them to be married, this happened when he was 7 years old btw.
But it wasn't a legal wedding, just like a ceremonial thing that links his family with hers. He said that he never actually loved her, but was required to marry her or his father had to pay so much to his "wife's" family as like punishment I guess.
I felt really bad for him, I could tell he didn't want to be with her at all, and was only doing it so his family were okay.
The relationship isn't real on either side, which is what he was trying to tell me when he said his "wife" supports him. They're only married because they're required to be.
I'm so relived now he's explained everything to me. He told me he won't be contacting her again but because of this we will have to send a small amount of money to the wife's family for the foreseeable future, which of course is not ideal. But it is better than the alternative of him going over to be with her every few months.
I wish he just told me the truth from the start! But, don't worry I've signed us up for couples therapy. I know this is likely not the results you guys expected or wanted, so many of you were so bloodthirsty for him without even understanding what he was going through.
The thing that kind of concerns me now is what the relationship will be like between my son and his other half-siblings. I think I would like to foster a relationship between them if I can. I'm just glad to be back with Jake. I love him so much.