Woman is shocked when she realizes her husband has a 'groupie;' 'What do I do?!' UPDATED

When this woman is concerned about her husband, she aks the internet:

"Husband has a groupie. What do I do?"

My husband is in several bands, in addition to working a regular FT job. His primary band has a loyal local fan base. Around New Years, he was pretty enthusiastic about me meeting his two new female friends who always come together and had been coming to all of their shows.

(Think 2 shows, nearly every weekend.) I hardly ever go to his shows for a variety of reasons, but mostly because someone has to stay home and watch our kids. And some of these gigs are pretty far away. I went. We met. They were fine.

I’m not sure if I’ve been to many other shows since NYE, but they have because I keep hearing about his smoking buddies. Fast forward to April. I go to a show with a couple of my friends because it’s 15 minutes from home.

Texted my husband that I was there. No response. Saw him rush by where I was sitting to get in a smoke break. There is only one smoking buddy. The other one is inside. This is the shift where it seems to only be one Smoking buddy (SB). SB is waiting for him in the parking lot. I walk behind to catch up. No big deal.

After the show, my friend asks what’s up with SB. Her behavior raised flags for my friend. Most notably, SB was dancing right in front of my husband all night (close as one can be without being on stage), and made sure to follow him out at every set break.

I think something, but not much, of it. I tell my husband SB’s behavior seemed off, but we don’t really discuss it further.

I wasn’t planning to, but I go to another show in June near home with a different friend. Something about my husband’s sudden urgent need for a haircut and beard trim that day, and extra attention to what he’s going to wear, is odd. (If I ask him to clean up all the hair, I get scoffing.)

Friend asks me who SB is because after greeting my husband with a hug, she turns and gets “a huge stink face” from SB. The dancing right in front of my husband continues. She follows him out to the parking lot every set break.

She is now the only female smoking buddy, as I have not seen the other girl come out for smoke breaks at any time other than NYE. This time, she makes snarky asides after I speak.

She hangs out after the show in the parking lot. Every other time she has left with her other friend. I am now officially uncomfortable with this girl. She’s been on my husband’s ass and in his face all night, and has been rude to my friend and to me.

I have since asked my husband if there is any particular reason SB might feel entitled to behave this way toward me and my friends. He insists she is just his smoking buddy, is happily married, and they only talk about their respective kids. She wears no wedding rings, so although she may be married, you would not know from outward observation.

I have asked him to tell her to off, or I’ll do it. I understand the pushback. That’s harsh, and one may not wish to alienate a fan base (she has friends and family in the loyal crowd). I ask that he make it more clear to her that he is married and to stop sharing vapes/joints with her.

We’ve run into her twice since and this last time, he left me to go smoke with her and then told me I should make friends with her so I can dance out front, too.

At this point, I can’t even. Not sure what I’m hoping to get out of posting this to all you internet strangers, but thanks for reading. I’m going to go examine my life choices, I guess.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Flynn_JMInfo: so he sees her multiple times every weekend, while you're at home with the kids? Is he engaging with her while she's dancing?

OOP Or when I am there, you mean? I suppose to his credit he tries to acknowledge as many people as he can, and does make eye contact with me multiple times.

Update:

After the last gig where my husband suggested that I befriend SB so I could dance out front with her at his shows, there was one more gig and then a bit of a hiatus where my husband played a ridiculous number of shows with his other bands.

I had asked about this one more gig to see if it was public or private (it was at a campground) and got no response. I didn’t bother trying to go. The next day, I asked who was there.

My husband indicated that it was campers, plus all of “the regulars” and included SB in his list. He further indicated that not only did he smoke with her during breaks, but he met her father.

I’m not really sure where it came into conversation or why he felt it somehow made it better, but he didn’t drink the alcohol she offered. He settled for some shitty Michelob.

Cue a 3 hour argument. Some of the highlights from that super fun conversation were:

Claiming that SB2 had been present every time, including at the last show I attended. (This is false.)

“I smoked with her [at the last show I attended] while you were there so you could see there’s nothing going on.” “I like her as a friend.”

“You’re trying to control who I can be friends with.”

“You’re making a big deal because I’m not cheating on you enough.”

I have requested that he stop spending any time with her at all, stop sharing vapes, and unfriend her on Facebook. He claimed that he shouldn’t have to unfriend her on FB because they’ve never messaged each other and “she liked our anniversary pictures.”

Ultimately, he did say he would do what I asked because “she’s just some girl who comes to the shows” and he did unfriend her on Facebook, which could have some potential real world effects. I don’t know yet. His band has had one show since, and she did not attend.

What I do know is that I am unimpressed with the way this conversation went down, and am proceeding with cautious skepticism.

He did make some comment a few days later about smoking being a social thing. I told him that if this was some kind of lead-up to not do what I asked, it was unacceptable. Otherwise, I have not brought it up again, and things are mostly fine.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP when asked if he cheated before

Yes, when we were dating in college. He cheated more than once with the same girl over the course of more than one year. We broke up for several years and got back together. I like to believe that people can change.

Generally speaking, he’s had a lot of freedom and a lot of trust from me over the course of our marriage. I’ve not felt the need to go to his shows or police his friendships. This particular woman and this particular situation have made me very uncomfortable.

PieceOfDatFancyFeast

I gotcha. Yeah idk, it's tough. I'm a huge advocate for leading with trust and security whenever possible. I think there's a spiral that can happen here when you try to control that can have some negative outcomes. But at the same time, her behavior does seem a little sus.

Have you thought about what would happen if he started touring with a really popular band and groupies like this were the norm, he was flooded with DMs, etc? I'm just not sure if this kind of response is sustainable if you want to truly support his career, and he probably feels the same way.

OOPI get where you’re going with this, but I feel like that would be different somehow. Not the same groupie every time over many months, one on one multiple times per show, as this woman is. There’s a comfort level being established that makes it all too easy to cross a line into continuing the hangout post show, etc.