Woman shocked at sister's & BIL's weird 'demands' surrounding her surrogacy. AITA? UPDATED 3X
When this woman freaks out at her sister and BIL's demands after she agrees to be their surrogate, she asks the internet:
"I (25F) agreed to be a surrogate for my sister and her husband (late 30s), but am regretting it now + UPDATES. AITA?"
For most of my life my sister Alice has been wanting kids but has been unable to carry a baby to full term, in part due to endometriosis. She was in a lot of pain and had to have a hysterectomy.
Alice and her husband Ben has fostered 5 children and have adopted 2 children with autism, and are great parents.
They have a good home environment and are financially very well off. But recently Ben and after a while Alice was bitten by the urge to have a kid biologically related to them because they wanted a chance to "do things right" and "provide the best start in life" (their views, not mine).
So they asked me to be their (traditional) surrogate and said that they would cover all costs (legal, medical etc) associated with it.
They would be also be paying off my student dent, renting a 2 bedroom apartment for 3 years plus giving me a substantial amount of cash. I said sure - it'll be 9 months of my life in exchange for being set up for quite some time, and my immediate family thinks it is a great idea.
However, when I said "sure", I was expecting something along the lines of IUI, where we go to the doctor to get Ben's sperm prepped, me getting shots etc. basically the whole artificial insemination package.
But Alice & Ben have asked me to well, get pregnant the traditional way. Their rationale is that 1. it is the cheapest way 2. they don't want to go to the hospital given the corona pandemic and
3. they think babies conceived naturally are healthier/the pregnancy would be safer without the chemicals, but I just can't get over the extreme ick factor. And even IF this was going to take place at home I think a syringe would work fine.
Am I going loony for thinking of going back on my word? Is their request reasonable? My immediate family doesn't see anything wrong with it and has been congratulating my sister on her impending baby. On the other hand, if I do give it up am I also mad for passing up what is essentially 200k, especially in this economy now?
I see that I am completely out of my depth here and will be discussing with my sister about alternatives that don't include me carrying the baby. Not looking forward to that discussion though.
Before we give you OP's three updates, let's read some of the top responses:
birdfly writes:
None of this is ok. You are too young and not to be mean, dumb to make this kind of life altering experience. 25 is not an age where you can actualy know if this is the right thing for you. You barely know who you are now.
You are just getting comfortable in your own skin, you sure as shit don't have the tools to make this kind of decision on your own without legal and medical advice and meetings.
Never f your sisters husband under any circumstances. That sounds like a straight up fg plot. No reasonable human being would suggest that. Which makes me think her husband found himself a loophole and used some google research to find enough bullshit evidence to present it as an option.
You say they are great parents and thats wonderful. But to think of this, to present this, and to believe it, they are straight up fg idiots. So while its great to know you don't have to have an ounce of smarts to be a good parent, that doesn't make this idea good.
FINALLY. 2 special needs kids is a tough road to go down period. A third child is a fucking bad idea. To even say "To have our own kid" is fd right up. Think about what even starting that line of thinking will end up doing to the kids who aren't "Their own".
Don't do that to a kid man. These people are fg idiots, and they have dragged you into their nonsense.
The reason I said that you are too young and not wise enough to do its, is proven by the fact that you even considered it. You are a great sister and clearly a nice person trying your best to help out your family. But this is such a clusterf of bs and bad ideas by two people who should know better.
Man, you have a fd up family to have any of them go along with this. A super, fd, up, family. Pregnancy fs your shit up, being your sisters husbands human fleshlight, is fd right up.
If you meet a man in the future, take a long fg time before introducing him to that bunch of skin bags. Because thats just an entire family of red flags draped in stupid.
Anyone who wants to make a human being using the lowest bidder is insane. To do something awful and unsafe, because its "Cheaper" your sister and her husband are the hailburton of human beings. Dear god don't do this.
shanti108 writes:
This all sounds very messy! And you are totally allowed to back out. It sounds like you were expecting more of a conversation regarding this and that didn’t happen... so I would suggest some good ole fashion communication!
First with yourself.. ask yourself do you really want to carry your first child and not have it be your child? If so, could you be detached enough from this whole process to give the baby to your sister once it was born?
Being a surrogate is extremely challenging - I haven’t been one but have many friends who have either found a surrogate or have considered doing it for the cash.. then talk with your sister, if this seems out of line for her, maybe she isn’t thinking clearly??
If you do decide to go through with this, lawyers and doctors need to part of the process. You could have sex with her husband for a year before anything happens!! And are you positive that you can get pregnant and carry a child?
So many questions and things to work though! I hope you take some time to really think this through for yourself. Money is great and it can provide a lot of security, 200k could last you a couple of years.. but having a child will change your life for forever....
quimera writes:
All you need to say is no. You agreed to be their surrogate, not f her husband as many times as it takes to get pregnant and then give them your kid. They are asking you to do a very different thing than what you agreed to and frankly seem a little coo-coo.
Secondly, the real reason they're trying to do this under the table is that first-time moms are 100% not allowed to be surrogates and no one legitimate would do it for you.
What you're describing is not surrogacy. Surrogates typically aren't the egg donor, they just carry the pre-fertilized egg from the couple to term.
You're volunteering to make a child with your sister's husband and then give your kid away to them. If you're cool with that then turkey basting at home sounds fine but there's absolutely no reason he needs to have literal sex with you.
Also, you need a legally binding contract before moving forward. There are so many ways they could f you over on this. Sounds like you have not thought this through at all.
earthgarden writes:
Please don't do this. It sounds as if you have never given birth. Have you ever even been pregnant? Pregnancy alone changes your body forever, but way more than the aesthetics involved is the chance of permanent injury or death when giving birth. This is a risk you really need to consider.
Also your sister and her husband wanting to do it 'the old fashioned way' indicates this is more about her husband getting to have se% with you more than anything else. How many times will you be expected to have se% with him, because it does not always take the first time?
Their fears about hospital or doctor visits right now are valid, but the pandemic won't last forever. WHERE is the fire, what is the rush in you getting pregnant right now? You're 25, in your reproductive prime for another decade.
There is no reason to not put this on hold until after the pandemic is over. Next year at the earliest, when things have really calmed down and as back to normal as they can be.
IF you choose to do this, REFUSE to have se% with your sister's husband and go through doctors. Do it the right way. You also need to seriously consult with a lawyer as to what are your rights and responsibilities, and of course any payment. If you're going to rent out your womb do it the right way.
sleepycolelge writes:
As a person who has had 2 miscarriages and about to have my 3rd live child. Miscarriages happen a lot, more often than you think. Between years trying and miscarriages it took me almost 3 years to have my daughter. I don't know you of course but could you put up with having se% with him for 6 months to a year or more?
And then what happens if you do get pregnant? Will they trying and control you what you cant and can eat outside of the typical pregnancy diet? Sleeping and or dating? And will you be able to hand the baby over after all is said and done without wanting more than an aunt relationship?
Would yall tell the child who the biological mother is? 200k is a lot of money dont get me wrong but what they are asking for is a life changing experience that will test everything you know about the both of them.
Plus how will she deal with you having se% with him for an extended period of time, and how will no relationship form during pregnancy or having sex with him for that long. It's a lot to ask for.
Some people do in fact do this and make it work, but sometimes it does fall apart. If you're really thinking about it find a group on Facebook and ask how they felt about it and stuff. I wish you the best of luck. Both decisions will be very hard to make.
And now, OP's first update, 5 days later:
All the comments on my previous post showed me that I am way too young, dumb and ignorant with what I signed up with. I started researching actual lived experiences and I read so many horror stories that I've decided to not go ahead with being involved in any way, shape or form with helping them have kids.
In fact, I'm not even sure if I want to ever get pregnant after all the stories about 3rd and 4th degree tears, poop, miscarriages. I am clearly not in the right stage of life/maturity to even consider doing something of this magnitude.
The difficult part was mustering up the courage to call my sister to tell her my decision. I really look up to my sister and love her lots, and our family and religion has always been about helping others out where we can.
When I called her to tell her, we had a short convo at first where I basically said "sorry, can't do it but that doesn't mean I love you any less". She seemed sad but said she was happy to respect my decision and I thought that was it.
Then just last night, sister & BIL called me back over zoom. My sister was crying and begged me to reconsider, as both of them really wanted biological kids. BIL told me that they were really disappointed in me and hoped that I would find it within me to do this.
When I told them my concerns, my BIL just said pregnancy & motherhood is a beautiful and natural process and that I was made for this.
I'm SO glad I did this over video call instead of in person, because I just hung up on them and faked having connection problems. I've been ignoring their texts so far and frankly I don't know what else to say. But any way, thank you all from the bottom of my heart for opening my eyes :)
Then, OP updates readers again 4 months later:
Leaving for the airport in a few hours to move across the country and I can't sleep! I plan to slowly phase out contact with my family and community, even though I love the people in there lots.
Long story short, I went over to Alice & Ben's house to visit their kids in May. While there, they asked me in person to reconsider my decision. Sometime during this, Ben started kissing and groping me. I let him. I know typing this out makes me seem dumb for going over and weak, because I was.
But I just froze and it was very difficult to say no in the moment especially with my sister crying and Ben having quite a presence in person.
Trust me, I have replayed the scenario so many times in my head wishing I was stronger in that moment. Luckily that was the extent of it and I was able to leave shortly after, because I don't know what I would have done otherwise.
I also received surprisingly no support from my parents or my bishop regarding my earlier decision (I didn't tell anyone the recent event). I don't think they knew what Alice and Ben were asking me, exactly, and I didn't bring it up either.
I was already sort of an outsider for not really conforming to the usual lifestyle of being married with kids, but this still shocked me.
All these things combined made me reevaluate my life. Working from home and having this much time alone has also given me a lot of time to think about things. I fell down the rabbit hole of reading stories of people who also left the church and I want that life for me.
So I've spent the last 3 months making arrangements, transferring to another part of my company, and today is the big day!
I know it's not going to be easy. Pretending to be normal at the last Pioneer Day family gathering was the hardest thing I needed to do, but I did it for myself and for closure. But I'm going to get through this. Thank you for the advice, and stay safe everyone.
Then, OP provides her final update a year later:
My one year anniversary of leaving the mess that was my family behind is coming up. Dusting this old account off to keep a log that maybe I can look back on. It's a beautiful sunny day here. Just feeling really grateful for life and all the opportunities I've had. Here's to the first year without them!