Woman shows horrifying footage of MIL to husband, 'Look what she did while babysitting for us.' AITA? 2 DISTURBING UPDATES.
When this woman is horrified by what she sees her MIL doing on camera after she babysits, she asks Reddit:
"AITA for watching the footage of our security camera after my MIL babysat for us? What I found out was devastating."
I will start by saying that I am sorry for any grammatical errors, English is my second language, after French. Heads up, this is long but I'd appreciate the insight.
I (30yo female) and my common-law partner (34 year old male) had our 14 months old baby looked after for the first time by my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law (35 yo female).
I admit that I was very insecure about leaving our baby with her (MIL), but she was our only option and we needed a sitter that evening (my family lives on the other side of the country).
My son doesn't see his grandmother much, although she lives 9 min away. She doesn't come over to spend time with him unless we are having a family gathering or she needs something from us.
When she is at our house and her other grandchildren (female 2.5 yo and female 6m) are also present, she will take care of her two granddaughters but is mostly uninterested with our son.
I assumed that this behaviour was related to the fact that her daughters require more help and expect so much from their mother (both are no longer with the babies fathers. One of them works 70+h a week and the other is on welfare).
My MIL's, in my opinion has a seriously enmeshed relationship with her granddaughters and daughters. To be fair, I'm ok with her not interacting as much with our son because some of the patterns borderline toxic.
Nevertheless, I make an effort to involve my MIL in our life. I send crafty cards for holidays, send pictures, message her about important milestones and invite her over for bonding time without my son's cousins around.
For context, the first few years of my relationship with my partner, my MIL did not care for me, out of solidarity for my partner's ex-girlfriend whom she adored... At the time I respected her grief of the relationship and thought she would eventually come around and she did! She apologized for treating me poorly.
(My partner and I have been together for almost 5 years. He and his ex were together for 1 year and they lived in different states for 6 months of that year. I am not the reason they separated. )
In the past, my MIL broke my trust. For example, I saw her give a bottle of formula to my niece while she was helping her daughter in the postpartum period. Her daughter had specifically asked to be woken up to breastfeed and NOT to give a bottle (I minded my own business at the time, not wanting to cause a scene).
A few years later, I witnessed another situation. My MIL gave meat to her vegan granddaughter, behind her daughter's back. At that point, my limits were reached and I disclosed this information to the child's mother.
This situation got out of control and my MIL was livid and lied about the incident, stating it never happened. We did talk it out, I took most of the blame for ''not minding my own business'' and I thought things were ok.
Since that incident, she has not responded to any of my text messages but will send a response to my messages to my partner. She organizes all family events by checking in with my partner, whereas before she made arrangements with me knowing full well that I am the one who manages our family calendar.
I must add that during family dinners and events, she acts as if she likes me and everything is fine.
Going back to the babysitting story...Before leaving, we gave only one instruction: do not put our son to bed. We had specified several times that we would put him to bed when we returned and made sure he napped later that day to accommodate for the 1h later bedtime.
We told her that our son was going through a lot of changes with my recent return to work and that we preferred to keep his bedtime routine stable to reduce his separation anxiety. She accepted.
My partner and I, have security cameras in the house (she did not know) and they were on when we left. We did not intend on eavesdropping during the evening, the cameras are always on when we leave.
A few hours later I receive a message from my MIL stating that she put my son to bed, that he had not cried and that he fell asleep in 8 minutes (I had already mentioned to her in the past that It takes ME 8 minutes to put him to sleep). I was beside myself!
My boundaries had not been respected and I had doubts that it went as well as she said (I know my son. This sounded fishy). When I got home I re-listened to the sequence where she puts my son to sleep to see how it went.
She lied to me, he cried a lot, he screamed for his mom and it took her way longer than she mentioned to put him to sleep. So I decided to listen to the rest of the evening. I realized that she decided to put him down to bed ONLY to make me angry and not because he was tired.
In the recording we can hear my MIL say to my SIL : “Alright! I'm going to put him to bed. She’s going to be livid! ''
After putting him to sleep, she proudly says that she’s going to text me to let me know and she is seen impatiently waiting for my response and then laughs and calls me batshit crazy after I responded something like: he was very tired today, that must have helped him settle. I'm glad it went well.
She spent the evening belittling me while talking to my sister-in-law. She tried to get my son to walk so that I would miss his first step and thought it would be funny. My son was crying and looking for me and she never reassured him. Instead she tried to make him call out for “grandma”.
I shared this recording with my partner and he was so angry. He supports me all the way. He confronted his mother and chose to no longer have a relationship with her.
She did not deny any of it and said she wouldn’t apologize. I offered to hear her out and talk, I really do want to know why she hates me this much. I don't think I have done anything to deserve this.
Are we wrong to cut ties? What should I do if my partner eventually decides to have a relationship with his mother? We haven’t seen her since, it’s been 2 months. AITA for outing her?
Before we read OP's updates, let's take a look at some top responses:
azile7 writes:
Your MIL does not respect you. She has proven that over and over again. It does not matter why she preferred your partner’s ex more because your partner chose you. MIL doesn’t get to choose who your partner loves.
By disrespecting your boundaries, she is choosing to lose a relationship with her grandchild and risking losing her son. I get the feeling she preferred her daughters over her son anyway. She obviously doesn’t care for your son either.
Don’t try to suck up to this woman. She will only continue to disappoint you and favor her other grandchildren. Your son will feel that and feeling rejected by a family member can be devastating. Keeping a relationship with her is pointless.
If your partner wishes to maintain a relationship with his mother, he can see her alone without you or her grandkid. Keep her away from your son. She is not interested in his wellbeing or security.
She is not a safe space for either of you. It’s best to ask a friend, a supportive family member, or hire a sitter the next time you want to go out. If you are going to visit your family, bring son along.
jealoustie7 writes:
Save that recording forever. I think you would be insane to ever leave your child alone with that woman ever again. That said, I think this is not a rule you should say out loud to anyone in her family — it should be between you and your partner.
As you saw in the video, your MIL only sees your child as a means to hurt you. She is desperate for a reaction, so don’t give her one. Look up grey rock and this should be your approach towards her. If your husband ever decides to revive his relationship with his mother you can be completely indifferent.
uncommondelusion writes:
You outted your MIL to your SILs as a liar and purposely ignoring instructions for some power trip over parental authority.
It seems since then, she has been resentful of you and at the first opportunity with your son, she did the same thing, betray your trust and trample the one boundary you put in place. Your MIL seems to have a "no one is going to tell me what to do" complex.
Clearly you can never trust her again since she has no intention to respect you and doesn't care if she's emotionally hurting your child in the process. It's probably best to put distance between your family and her, since she has shown her true colors when she thinks no one is looking.
digitydoo writes:
Look, this woman doesn’t respect her own daughters as mothers, why would she respect you? She acts contrary and boundary stomps as a way of maintaining control.
She does not like you because you insist on mutual respect. She is not someone you will be able to form a mutually respectful relationship with because she will not relinquish her need for control and respect you in turn.
You are not wrong to cut contact. However, if your partner does want a relationship in the future, do what you need to protect yourself and your children. No alone time with children. Ever.
Let communication go through your partner. Maintain boundaries. Limit contact as much as possible. Do not try to seek her approval or pursue anything more than the shallowest (yet civil) relationship. Save that recording.
gottothink writes:
NTA. Your MIL doesn't like you because you don't blindly support her when she's being an AH. You caught her doing something she shouldn't have done and called her out on it. This is why she doesn't like you - some people cannot handle being called out for their mistakes.
You were a good parent, watching out for your child's safety. You already had issues with your MIL in the past, so it was good you didn't think you wouldn't need the cameras.
You now know that she will torture your son to get her petty vindictive revenge. Kudos to your partner for supporting his partner and child and going no contact with his mother and sister.
If he wants to have a relationship with his mother in the future, he can. He can visit her - on his own - at her place. You and your son should never have to see her again.
mayaca writes:
Cutting ties is the right move, look how much damage she caused your son in one evening. She could have permanently fd his anxiety. If your husband wants a relationship with them that's his choice, you and your son are out. Forever.
A person that can nonchalantly treat a child with such cruelty, let alone her own grandchild, is not a good person. That is a person that can and will do irreparable damage to the people around them. They have no remorse and no empathy.
It's your job as a mother to keep your child as far away from people like that as possible, family or not. You shouldn't have trusted her but you caved to your optimism, that's understandable, just don't do it again.
People like this don't deserve chances and would never use them anyway. Talk to your doctor about what happened, monitor your son's behavior going forward and tell the doctor about that too. Make sure you're doing whatever you can to undo the damage she did to that poor child.
farsatis writes:
NTA. You will be one, though, if you allow your MIL & SIL to have ANY contact with you & your son ever again. You already knew that she disregards boundaries set. You witnessed her doing it to her own daughters kids, and she favors them. Why would you ever think that she’d actually follow your requests?
Your son does not need a relationship with a grandparent nor Aunt(s) who would allow such actions done by them. And your SIL was compliant with what your MIL was doing so don’t buy into any excuses she might make that she wasn’t also at fault.
Cut them off completely before they do something worse. And, definitely keep the footage saved (make a copy and keep it safe from hubby in case he suddenly feels bad about repercussions to his mom if you end up having to use the footage to get a restraining order against her & SIL.
And find yourself a reliable sitter for your son for future needs. It’s better to pay someone to watch him than to keep allowing your MIL any access, even in an emergency, to your son & future kids. And make sure that the sitters know that MIL & SILS are not allowed to see or talk to your kid(s).
Remind yourself it’s better your child(ren) have no interaction/relationship with “family” who would rather use them as a tool to hurt their parents out of spite.
OP then provides these disturbing updates:
Update 1:
Thank you everyone for your insight. Here is more information. Many have asked more questions about my SIL. We had a great relationship before this (or I thought we did). She participated in the behaviour by agreeing that it was a good idea to put my baby to bed ''to prove a point'' she also laughed at my mother's mean comments.
The day my partner confronted them (1 week after the event), my MIL drove my SIL to my house after I said I needed time to process the events. I was alone with the baby and terrified frankly. My MIL never got out of the car.
My SIL was insisting on explaining why they hated me so much. She also said she would not apologize stating that would make her a hypocrite.
Here is what I'm accused of: -Trying to take their son-brother away from his family. -Planning to make him move away from his family and closer to mine. -Prioritizing time with just our nuclear family and not the rest of the family.
-By my fault, my partner has had more arguments with his mother in recent years (yes he's always had my back with her, causing more tension).
I have to add that they had planned a Valentine's day supper purposely on a night that I was working because they wanted to do ''an intervention'' against me to my partner. The plan was to make him realize the above accusations.
My partner was so angry when he heard about this. He says that they have gone mad and are making me into a monster that I am not.
I do not agree with these accusations, because as a people-pleaser I tried so hard to make them feel involved. My partner has put boundaries around his family in the past but I did not ask him to, he felt the need to do it.
We are planning to move halfway between both families, but only because we want to do some homesteading and the land happens to be in a different area.
My partner is not the scapegoat he simply has never gotten involved in his family drama and couldn't care less. He just does his own thing. A very chill guy.
Update 2:
For those accusing me of being neglectful for leaving my child with her, although I had doubts. First of all, this isn't the question I am asking. I do not need to defend myself as I know that I am a competent and caring mother.
But for clarity, I attributed her behaviours as lapse in judgement on her part. Second of all, my partner reassured me that he would be safe with his mother and that she is not a cruel person, she just does not think (although that is not what he thinks of her anymore after this event).
I wanted to trust my partner and respect his judgment. This is his child too, we are a team in decision making. He felt safe leaving him in her care.
I have started therapy to help me cope with the grief of a perfect family and being far from my own loving family.