Woman shuts down family's pressure to have kids, 'everyone's prioritizing an unborn child.' AITA? UPDATED.
"AITA for what I said to my Mom & MIL about them pressuring me to have a baby?"
I’m a 25F who has lupus and fibromyalgia and was more or less bed bound for about a year from late 2021 - late 2022. I lost about 20-30lbs during this time and many members of my family saw this and constantly made comments on how “sick” and “underweight” I looked.
My health has improved since then but I definitely still struggle with my disease and there’s always ups and downs. I recently got married and my family and his family have both been consistently asking me and my husband when we’re going to have a child.
This is a sensitive topic for me because I want children but I’m very worried about the possible complications pregnancy and childbirth could pose to my already fragile health. My lupus has been flaring up a lot more lately due to the cold weather and I’ve been sick numerous times the past few months and everyone who’s been pestering me so much about having a baby knows this.
This all has really getting to me lately, and yesterday, I guess I blew up on them. So, last night, me, my husband, my parents, and his parents all went to dinner. My mom and his mom both brought it up to me again and I (who already told both of them my concerns in the past with my health and childbirth) was blunt and told them how I’d read up on women with lupus and childbirth and my concerns with it.
They both dismissed me and told me to try a bunch of BS essential oils and talk to the doctors on base (my husband is military which is why they said this, but I’ve already had horrible experiences with many doctors and it took me 5yrs to get diagnosed with lupus to begin with).
I was just baffled at this point and felt so defeated and I just lashed out and stated that I wasn’t going to kill myself for a baby because the mortality rate for women with lupus is 300x higher than that of normal women in childbirth.
My mom later told me that I shouldn’t have said this and I crushed my mother-in-law by telling her she was never gonna have a grandbaby, but I don’t feel like I was in the wrong here.
I feel like everyone else has been prioritizing an unborn child over my health and so much stress is being put on me to have a child when I’m not even healthy right now. AITA for what I said to my mother and MIL?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Aloreiusdanen said:
NTA. The fact that these women know about your health issues and ignore them because they want grandchildren is disgusting and selfish. You had every right to tell them off like that. Maybe they will get it through their thick heads that having a child right now isn't a good time.
Perhaps in a few months or years. Or maybe in order to save yourself, you and your husband adopt a child. I hope you tell your husband about this and let him know how you feel. If my wife came to me and told me what they said, I'd be furious with them and probably would say worse stuff.
Stay strong! Know you have a right to be happy and healthy first and foremost. Children can always come later seeing your only 25, lots of time to get healthy and prepare.
Nem-x13 said:
NTA. You need to do what is best for you. My cousin had Lupus and was pregnant with twins. We were all really worried for her. During her pregnancy she said most of her symptoms went in remission and she was the healthiest she had felt in years.
Then during delivery she had complications with the second baby and didn’t survive. Now her husband is raising 3 boys by himself. Look into surrogacy. Maybe ask the moms to volunteer. A woman in Uganda just delivered twins at 70. Ask them to put their body and health on the line.
butterfly-garden said:
NTA. If the two of them had mentioned grandchildren one time, I would have said that you had overreacted. But, that's not the case. They harassed and harangued, and harangued and harrassed you until you snapped.
They deserved every word you gave them. Serves them both right! I was taught that it's very rude to ask someone when they were going to have kids. Don't feel bad about putting a rude person in their place!
Anxious-Routine-5526 said:
NTA. You're a fully actualized person with serious health concerns, not a damn incubator. Take care of your health and well-being. Mom & MIL can pound sand. Go LC with both of them for your own good.
wlfwrtr said:
NTA Ask them who would raise the baby if you died? That is the first thing that would have to be discussed because with your husband in the military it wouldn't be him because he may be shipped out.
Tell them also when someone else agrees to pay a surrogate so you don't have to risk your life. You can use your egg and husband's sperm but someone else carry it but it would be expensive.
ellegiiggle said:
NTA, there's literally no reason to keep bringing it up. Even if there wasn't anything wrong, and you just didn't want a kid, she shouldn't keep pestering. Also, I have fibromayalgia, had my little boy almost 4 years ago, and honestly it's been the hardest few years of my life so far, I'm constantly in pain and tired out and if it wasn't for my partner I genuinely don't believe I could care for him full time, so adding lupus into that, I think you're making the right choice.
UPDATE:
Thank you everyone for all the kind words and tips! I told my husband about this post and about how much this situation bothered me today, and he actually spoke to my mom and MIL and told them to stop talking about this topic to me because of how much it bothers me. Hopefully this helps.