Woman tells sister; 'You CAN'T secretly see my daughter behind my husband's back.' AITA?

"AITA for not letting my sister secretly see my daughter behind my husband's back?"

I don't have the best relationship with my husband right now because he didn't want children and I refused to have an abortion when it came down to it. Our daughter is turning 3 soon and despite the issues we have, he's good to her and that's the only thing that matters to me.

2 months ago my sister confronted him over how he treats me in front of his family. I didn't ask her to, in fact I specifically told her it was a very bad idea but she did it anyway.

During her confrontation she told him that I was only staying with him for money which has impacted my relationship with my in-laws. They were originally supportive and on my side but now they're not which has made things worse between my husband and I.

Now my husband has banned my sister from seeing our daughter. I don't agree with him but given the situation I think it's best to give everyone time to calm down. Since my daughter is turning 3 soon my sister wants to see her to celebrate her birthday.

My husband isn't going to be here so she thinks I can just secretly take our daughter to hers but my husband will find out so I don't want to risk it. We keep fighting over it because she doesn't think there's any way he could possibly find out, but I know him and I know he will.

I was planning to have a small party for my daughter with my family but my other siblings are refusing to come unless I invite my sister too. My dad is the only person who understands where I'm coming from, everyone else thinks I'm acting spineless. AITA?

Let's see what readers thought:

crism writes:

So, your daughter is 3 years old and you and your husband are still in a bad place because you kept your child? That's what you need to be focused on, not on your sister.

Get yourself into therapy to unravel why you are in this situation and how you can get out. If your husband is verbally abusive and/or neglectful, that's for the two of you to work through. Your sister's behavior may have brought things to a head, that's not a reason to make things worse by going behind your husband's back.

NTA for not making a bad situation worse. You need to stop talking about this with your family and get professional help.

gaopu writes:

ESH. Whoa what a doozy. You’re not the asshole for not making the situation worse. Your sister massively overstepped. You and your husband need therapy asap or a divorce this dynamic is ridiculous and you have to know you can’t raise your daughter in it.

She’s 3 years old it’s time for YOU to be more proactive if your husband refuses to budge you need to leave him. Your daughter growing up watching you be hated won’t be good for her, you, or your relationship with her

flora writes:

ESH... right?

No one in this story (minus your daughter, who is innocent) is acting on their best behavior. You left a lot of question marks (like, your husband didn't want to be a dad but you have a 3-year old, THIS is why your relationship is bad, but you aren't divorced or separated... umm?). Are you staying with your husband for money? Is your husband really a "good dad" or passable?

I don't know. It sounds like you've made some bad life choices and while your sister shouldn't be talking to your in-laws, I wonder how much she is questioning you and your husband's impact on your kid's mental health... b/c I am.

kamisan writes:

NTA OP - let's get this straight your husband will always matter more to your child than your sister.

You are in a difficult place with your spouse and you need to do everything you can to put yourself in a better place. Your jackass sister wants to put people in their place but you've lost the necessary support you were getting.

It is always going to be about you and your child first. Protect that interest and if your family like your sister and other siblings want to compromise you because they think you have no spine - you need to drop them.

Clearly, you need your husband's financial support - you need to plan your situation potentially with an exit in mind. Don't let your family get in the way - I guarantee you that they won't pay your and your kid's bills on an ongoing basis.

I also want to say something OP - you do seem to need some support in dealing with your husband but your family is just the same - bullying you to do things their way. Your sister seriously jeopardised you because she can't control herself. I'm saying they don't seem to be any better than him. Figure out how to free yourself from all their nooses.

famespesh writes:

I think you are correct in not wanting to keep secrets from your husband about your conduct regarding your daughter. Parents need to act together.

If your sister was correct that your husband isn't very nice to you and she correctly confronted him over how he treats me" then you need to take charge of your relationship with your husband and lay some ground rules including letting your sister visit .

If your sister was wrong, and your husband in fact treats you well then you need to get a grip of your relationship with your sister and tell her she is not welcome until she behaves appropriately.

In either case YTA for trying to keep everyone happy instead of being clear on your expectations.

crayat writes:

I'd never forgive you. YTA through and though, any arguments I have with my sister and her ex-husband or current partner would never be allowed to affect my relationship with my niece or nephew.

She wouldn't allow that herself because I've always been so involved, and they adore me! It's shameful that you allow your husband to continue to behave this way and subject your daughter and everyone around you to this vile toxic behaviour over what money?

You need to grow up and put your daughter first, this will be so detrimental to her mental well being growing up.