'AITA for not replying to my friend after she was upset I can't make her wedding?'
"AITA for not replying to my friend after she was upset I can't make her wedding?"
I'm (30F) meant to be a bridesmaid for my friend (33F) next week, but a very close family member has fallen seriously ill so I'm having to immediately go to support them and my other family members. Edited for clarity; my elderly father had a stroke and I need to support my elderly mother. I do not have other family that can offer support.
I'm very aware wedding planning is stressful, and this wedding has been no exception, although it's now been organized as a much smaller event (I was meant to be one of only a few attendees).
I let her know as soon as I could that whilst I would try my hardest to be there for her on the day, as I know her wedding means a lot to her and I have been very involved in planning/organising and am meant to play a significant role, I just couldn't commit at this stage given the serious nature of what my family are going through.
I called her as soon as I could to let her know as gently as possible, and to assure her I would do everything I could to make it but just had to let her know that there is a chance I can't make it because my family member is currently in hospital and I wanted to give her time to have a back up plan, and she just hung up the phone.
Today she messaged me. She hasn't asked if I'm ok and she's effectively uninvited me from the wedding as she says she can't deal with the uncertainty. She used the opportunity to tell me that it was my fault that she reacted as she did and went on to say we needed space from each other. She then wanted to know if I'm still planning to come to her after-party which is a few days later.
Am I being unreasonable that I would have expected at least a little support? I've been made to feel like I'm entirely at fault for ruining her day at the last minute. I'm also at fault for my wording apparently, even though I was just dealing with the shocking news my family member almost died, and have been assured by others that actually I communicated very thoughtfully given the circumstances.
She hasn't apologized, she hasn't offered any support or condolences... Is she even my friend? I'm really struggling. Currently I am simply not replying as I don't have the capacity to respond with any grace right now.
AITA if I cannot respond to my friend who is treating me as I'm actively trying to ruin her wedding, even though I have tried to support her despite also dealing with a family emergency and some of the worst days of my life?
In the comments OP said:
I've never really had to deal with anything with this level of immediacy so it's been a shock more than anything, even if we're hoping for the best. As such I was more confused than anything as I just couldn't work out how to handle the situation better, and couldn't work out how to meet the (probably impossible) standards of my friend.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Reasonable-Dog-6802 said:
NTA but also stop saying “a family member” this is your parent dealing with a life altering, possibly fatal diagnosis. “Sorry friend that my father tried to die at an inconvenient time for you."
Tall_Answer_9933 said:
NTA NTA NTA over and over. Seriously - your friend is a self centered asshole. I suggest you don’t reach out to her at all on her wedding day and cut her out of your life. When people show you who they are you need to believe them. Sending positive vibes your way!
minertopg1983 said:
NTA. What you did was very considerate of her and she's being incredibly selfish. I hope your relative is okay!
UnluckyTeacher1520 said:
NTA. If people ask tell them about your father. She is so wrong.
gravitationalarray said:
NTA. She's incredibly selfish. I'm so sorry about your dad. Take the time you need, and cut ties with this fool for now. Block her if you need to. Take the time YOU need.
magsy3 said:
NTA. This sounds like a one-way friendship. Time to focus on people who care about you and gradually ease away from your friend.