Woman skips my daughter’s birthday and own wedding anniversary for birth of my sister’s baby. AITA? UPDATED

"AITA for missing my daughter’s birthday and my wedding anniversary for the birth of my sister’s baby?"

GreatCharges

My wife (31F) and I (33M) have been married for 8 years, and we have a 6 year old daughter. My sister (31F) was married to her husband, but because of his infidelity, they are now looking for divorce.

My sister was pregnant with her first child, but she did not want her husband in the delivery room with her. She called me and asked if I could come for emotional support because she was nervous about childbirth.

I of course said yes. She lives in a different state, and I was going to go there for a week. But when I told my wife about it, she said that that I would be missing my daughter’s birthday, and our wedding anniversary (they’re both a day apart).

I knew I would be missing those days, but I didn’t think it was a big deal and I told her we would celebrate the anniversary when I came back. And I didn't really need to be physically present for my daughter’s birthday. I could just FaceTime her. My wife then asked why my sister couldn’t call anyone else for emotional support, and I told her that was a really selfish thing to say.

I was there for the birth of my sister’s baby, and everything went pretty smooth. When I came back I was really happy, and I started making plans for the wedding anniversary, but my wife seems a bit sad about everything.

I know it’s because I missed the anniversary, but I really don’t see what’s the big deal when we can celebrate it on another day. I understand my wife considers it a very important and special day. But it’s just a day, and it doesn’t mean anything in significance compared to the birth of my sister’s baby. Am I the AH?

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:

No_Bathroom_3291

A few questions .. When your sister asked for you to be her support, did you discuss it with your wife? When it came time, why did your family not go with you? Did you consider making this a family trip? If you did, you could have been there for the birth, celebrated your child's birthday, and your anniversary without missing a thing.

heebs387

It's amazing how many of the issues on here boil down to someone making a "Leeroy Jenkins!" decision while the rest of the people in their party/life look on in frustration.

superflex

Missing the birthday and anniversary are, in the grand scheme of things, only a little problematic. The reason YTA is because you decided everything unilaterally, and that was a really shitty thing to do to your wife.

You're supposed to be partners. That means you owe your wife a discussion about it, before you make a commitment to your sister. You've just demonstrated to your wife that when something is important to you, any consideration for her or your kid goes out the window.

IHQ_Throwaway

I think he’s TA because he clearly understands this is a big deal for his wife, but he doesn’t care, so why should it matter? It matters because the woman he made vows to is hurt and feels abandoned on a day that was supposed to be about celebrating their union. He made it clear his wife and child come second. He’s eventually going to lose his family to his self-centeredness.

KuriGohan0204

YTA. How nice for you to decided what everyone else should be fine with.

UPDATE:

GreatCharges

Wow, that was a barrage of onslaught. I read a lot of the comments, and most people think I was an AH which I did not expect but it opened my eyes that I may have been neglectful to my wife. I want to provide a quick update but also first provide some more background and clarify a couple of things.

I read a lot of comments misinterpreting what I said on my last post. Of course, I think my daughter’s birthday and our anniversary are very important and special occasions.

I just meant that compared to the process of going through childbirth during a stressful time, it seemed insignificant to me. My sister found out only a couple of months ago about her husband’s affair, it was horrible.

When she called me, she was really worried about how the stress was going to affect labor, she was actually worried she was going to die because one of her friend’s mothers died during childbirth.

She was panicking and I had to calm her down. Of course I was going to go, whether it was for a week or a month or however long. A few comments asked why my sister did not call our parents.

Both our parents passed away in an accident when we were really young and we were taken in by our loving grandparents, who we’ll always be grateful and thankful for. Both our grandparents have also passed away. Besides, my sister and I have always been tight.

Why didn’t I take my daughter and my wife with me? My daughter’s birthday party was set up and the invitations had already been sent to friends and family. Besides, the last thing I was thinking at that time was a family trip.

Now getting to the update, yes, I do realize after reading the comments that the way I went about everything was wrong. I shouldn’t have called my wife selfish. And I should have put more effort on our anniversary.

I only called her and didn’t send her any gifts or flowers on our anniversary, and that’s my fault. I had a discussion with my wife a couple of hours ago, and I apologized for everything, and told her I would make up for it.

She actually seemed very happy after the discussion, I think it’s because I apologized and took accountability which admittedly I haven’t done recently. I reassured her that our anniversary is they day I will always cherish the most.

I didn’t speak about my daughter much in the last post because there wasn’t really much to say. She did have a great time at the party. Yes, she missed me, but she’s really happy I’m back now.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:

Ga1aticOverlord

You didn’t send your wife anything on your anniversary?!?!? Yup that definitely explains her dead reaction in your last post. It sounds like she’s done this dance before. Buy your wife flowers man, damn.

Corfiz74

In her place, I'd be more mad about having been left alone with party-hosting and cleanup for a bunch of six year olds. That should mean him doing ALL the chores for a week at the very least!

cyberpudel

You mean, for a few weeks. A horde of six year old are a lot to clean up after. Also I don't think his daughter didn't notice. I think she will remember this very well.

Edit: For those that argue for or against the daughter remembering her dad being there. Both outcomes are possible. We cannot know. But if she remembers this will be a terrible memory for her. I just hope she doesn't. And I hope this doesn't repeat, for her sake.

lanshufen

Lmao this update just confirmed you're a selfish person, in general, and you only took accountability when you received internet backslash.

"I apologized and took accountability which admittedly I haven't done recently."

Damn, your wife must be a saint.

StitchandReuben

I don’t think the sister was wrong for wanting support; but I do think the husband was wrong for dismissing his immediate family so quickly. He should’ve made a big effort (send flowers/gift day of anniversary) for his wife; and made sure to celebrate his daughter with a special dinner out or daughter’s choice at home or something. The zero effort and thought shows he only thinks of his sister as his real family.

Environmental-Ad1791

Good for you my man, but people like you, give me hope.

No matter how daft I'll be, I'll never be this daft.