Woman snaps at 85-year-old mother, 'she asked when I would FINALLY kick my daughter out.' AITA?

"AITA for snapping at my mother when she asked when I would 'finally' kick out my daughter?"

I, 66f, am retired but kept very busy by caring for my mother (85f) and my disabled husband (64m). My mother does not live with us; she lives in an assisted living facility, where I visit her every few days to check up on her and see if she needs anything. During my latest visit, she brought up how I should "finally" kick out my daughter (29f, let's call her C).

Now for some context, yes, my daughter does indeed still live with me and my husband, for many factors including her rather fragile mental health, but what my mother does not understand is that, despite us being parent and child, we are not living in a parent and child kind of situation.

We are roommates that just happen to also be family, because neither her nor my husband and I could afford places of our own in this economy. We are dependent on C just as much as she is dependent on us.

C holds down a full time job, which doesn't pay great, but not awfully either. She pays her fair share in rent, utilities and groceries, does her fair share of chores and sometimes even takes over some of my chores when she feels that I need a break. I cook on weekdays when C has to work, but C has weekends off so she takes over cooking duties then.

She has a savings account for emergencies, she pays for the family Netflix account, and even spends some of the fun money she has left over every month (which isn't much) on little treats for my husband and me, no matter how often I ask her not to waste what little money she has to enjoy life on us.

So with all of that as background, my mother's comments made me pretty angry, because C does so much to not be a burden to my husband and me, despite me telling her that I love her and could never see her as a burden. I also fear my mother may have planted that thought in her head when I wasn't around.

Meanwhile, all my mother seems to do is demand, demand, demand. She has nurses at her disposal in that assisted living facility, and people who do grocery runs for her. But she never uses these services and demands that I do everything for her instead.

She demands all of my time, energy and attention. I suspect she may want to push me to kick C out so she could move in with my husband and I and force me to be her full-time caretaker.

I was already having a crappy day, so I just snapped and told her that C's living situation is none of her damn business. She started crying and asked why I would yell at her for just being concerned. AITA for snapping at my mother?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

its_just_ace said:

NTA. Parents of any age love to judge their kids living and financial situations, even when they don't have all the information. The economy is in the crapper, I think it's nice that your daughter is staying at home and helping you out. Does your mom know about the financial situation?

Do you want her to know? Maybe it's time for some tough love, lower your visitations? Even if she is your mother, you don't owe her anything. Family does not have the right to ruin your peace.

Timely_Egg_6827 said:

NTA - it gets frustrating to run around after someone who could utilize other services but prefers you to do it. And then for them a) to critisce you for helping someone else and b) not understand you get financial and emotional support from that person. And c) you suspect their intent is to free more of your time for themselves.

Does your mother pay include the grocery or nursing services or are they extra? If inclusive, ask her why she is wasting your time and her money by not using services she has paid for.

Doing that would help you a lot more than stopping supporting your daughter even if she was dependent which she is not. If she is concerned about your workload, she has that in her power to help but emphasise you'd still be around to see her.

As to your daughter, unless your mother is paying her or your bills, then it is none of her business. Just smile and say it works fine for us at moment and we will reconsider if it doesn't. If she says she is worried about your daughter, just shrug and say she is fine. Stonewall your mother.

Odd_Fondant_9155 said:

NTA. A lot of people your mother's age have no idea how much the world truly has changed. My parents were very similar to what your mother is behaving like here. My mother has since passed and my dad has opened his eyes to a ton of things. It happened when my adult child went to stay with him after a hospitalization.

They got a lot of the, "when are you going to leave home" questions, and they genuinely wanted to, so they asked my Dad to help them navigate that. Double duty, it helped my Dad to have something to do and focus on getting him out of bed and it would help the child gain independence.

So the job and housing hunt started. At first he was shocked at how "high" starting wages were these days. But then when trying to do the math for life expenses he quickly realized those numbers aren't enough. He used to complain about how the rising costs of things were going to make him "out live his pension"...

But then I reminded him that he makes more than many two income households and no longer has a mortgage so if HE'S struggling to try to think about everyone else. Largely eye opening. He has since stopped asking when they're moving out and starting ranting about how there's no way for young people to make it.

In your case, your mom likely isn't going to come to that conclusion. Moving forward I would just tell her that your daughter's living situation is not a topic of discussion bluntly and move on. Or change the subject without responding. Your mom is old, and in assisted living, you don't have much time left.

It's up to you to decide how you want that time to be spent. That's what I told my Mom. I love you ma, and I want the time we share together to be meaningful and loving, can we please avoid topics we cannot discuss civilly? I'm not changing my mind on this and I appreciate the concern but I have this handled.

OhmsWay-71 said:

NTA. Next time you see your mom, apologize for reacting the way that you did, but double down on the message. Something like…“Mom, I am sorry I snapped at you, but you caught me off guard. C living with us is beneficial for me and my husband. She helps with bills and with cooking and chores. I have no intention of asking her to leave. I love living with her. Your comment seemed mean and out of nowhere, and I reacted angrily, so I’m sorry. But you should not bring it up again."

Then keep going…“Another thing we need to talk about is my time. There are somethings that I am doing for you, which others can do, and it can free up some time for me. When I do your grocery shopping, it is me alone in a store.

That’s silly when you have a service that will do that for you. We are going to shift some of the things that I am doing over, so that the time I do have I can spend with you instead of running errands." Then just do it. Let her be mad. No one likes change, but she will adjust. After a while it will be the norm.

You don’t have to do it all just because that is what someone else wants. You can be kind, empathetic and helpful, but you specifically do not have to carry out every task. Other people’s happiness should not come at the expense of yours.

Even your mom. Even when she’s elderly. It’s been a lifetime of her knowing what will make you feel guilty so she can get what she wants. You see the patterns too. You don’t have to stay there.

fancyandfab said:

Definitely NTA. She's an out of touch busy body. Unfortunately, millenials and gen z are f'd. In this economy, it's hard to get your own place. It's either beaucoup roomates or live with parents for many. In addition to the financial issue, it's also a housing shortage.

In some situations, the adult child does act like a toddler. Doesn't financially contribute, cook, clean, etc. But, C is a vital family member. You need her income just as much as she needs to be housed. In many places in the world, this is the defacto home model. Live with parents until marriage. It's your home, your mom doesn't live there and doesn't get a say.

GalianoGirl said:

NTA. But you have to step back and stop asking how high when Mum says jump. Stop providing services to her that are included in her rent. Tell her in a few days that you realized there is a freeloader in your family who is sucking all the joy from your life and you will be reducing contact. Your Mum is manipulating you. You have to put boundaries in place and say no more.