Woman SNAPS at boyfriend about money; he says; 'I promise I don't resent you.' AITA?

"AITA for snapping at my boyfriend about money?"

I (30F) and my boyfriend (35M) have been together for 1 year, known each other for 10. I want to start this off by saying that we both grew up in similar situations- food wasn't always on the table, clothes were hand-me-downs or thrift store, toys were a luxury, etc.

My boyfriend has a good job, but it doesn't pay well. He's also really good at his job, and I'm super proud of him.

Before we started dating, I had a horrible 9-5 job that I was absolutely miserable at. My co-workers were assholes, and my boss was extremely se%ist. On my down time, I began to write my first book. I've always loved writing and dreamed about being a real author someday.

Apparently, it was meant to be because after I finished my first book, it BLEW. UP. I was getting demands for a sequel (which I did write and published), and now I'm getting demands for the third and the mini series. (I won't list the book titles here, I'd like my personal stuff and work stuff to remain separate).

One day, my boyfriend looked at me and said, "You make in a month what I make in a year." He didn't say it maliciously, but it had me wondering if maybe he resented me a bit. I asked him, but he said he didn't.

He said he was proud of me. He even started helping me promote my books, and when I wrote my first non-fiction book, he said he was even more proud.

But lately, whenever the topic of money comes up, he gets really quiet and really moody. I've always told him it's not MY money, it's OUR money. I wouldn't be where I am today without his encouragement. I'd probably still be in that awful 9-5 job.

This started when he asked me for help with his car. He was behind a couple of payments, and obviously, I paid it.

I don't drive, but he does take me wherever I need to go, so I chip in for gas, and of course, I'll make a payment if he can't. But now his brakes are going too. I told him to make an appointment and he said he can't afford it. I said, "Don't worry about it, I'll take care of it." He got super moody, and it bugged me a little.

It's been weeks, and he still hasn't made the appointment. I'm uncomfortable getting in the car now because I don't want the brakes to fail while I'm in there. I don't want the brakes to fail while HE'S in there! When I brought it up again, he said he'll make the appointment when he can afford it. I snapped and told him to just fg do it, the car needs to be safe.

I feel like he's actually starting to resent me because I make more money. He won't admit it, but he won't tell me what's actually wrong, either. Now, I feel I made things worse because I snapped at him. AITA?

Edit to add: I started writing my first book before we were dating. I would send him chapters and get his advice, so he was sort of my BETA reader and my ARC reader. I finally published the first book still before we were dating and started writing the second a couple of months later.

And before this gets thrown out there, him and I never talked about finances when we were just friends. He had no idea how much I was making. Unlike my family, who I've more or less cut off because they would use me for money and then treat me like s the rest of the time, or be really horrible if I said no.

In the year we've been dating, I've only wrote my non-fiction book which is relatively short, and am in the process of writing the third installment to my series and starting on the mini series for 2026.

Let's see what readers thought:

saphier76 writes:

I think you just need to sit down and express how this is making you feel. Of course I don't know everything, but from what I got from this post..it seems like he feels bad for having you pay for things.

I know personally I am independent and like to take care of myself. I appreciate when I do get help, but it gives me kind of a sour feeling deep down.
If that makes sense.

Now the moodyness, he probably should work on.
But either way, you guys should have some time together to let feelings out on both sides so you can meet in the middle and not walk on eggshells with eachother.

yayahil writes:

It might be a weird imbalance because of how long you've been dating, especially when it comes to your sudden success. If I'm reading this correctly, you haven't really blown up other than in the last year, but I doubt you wrote 2 very successful books from start to finish through all the publishing to popularity as an unknown in just that year.

Talking about it as well as figuring out what you both want in the future and how you can balance that will be important. If you live together, maybe make rent proportional to income or consider always paying 1/3 of the car payment since you don'tddrive but use it enough.

Don't cave and become a total sugar momma, because they clearly want some sort of good feeling about bringing in some of the cash, but doing what you can to make it look fair, and help relieve his financial stress without emasculating him will do wonders long term, again, if that is what works for both of you.

roacl writes:

YTA, I think, but the issue at the core here isn't A-holery but lack of communication and PLANNING.

Either you are a household and money is household money, maybe with some separate money for impulse and fun, or your have independent money and contribute to household necessities, ratioed or equally.

It sounds like you talk about your income as household money, but saying that he has a car and drives you places, but you only pay for gas and maybe if he's struggling for a payment.

That sounds like a household ride, and this is where you are the A-hole. If you're not taking Uber or public transit for the MAJOR part of your getting around, you rely on that car as much as he does. You should be making payments, not chipping in.

Which is why snapping at him about something he can't afford to fix, that you rely on, but aren't stepping up immediately to pay for is A-holery. Does he resent you for making more? Probably.

But honestly, and I may be extremely biased here for... reasons, it sounds more like you have the money for a car while he has the bills for a car, and that's not fair. Now, is he entitled to your money for his car? No, not if you don't need it. But you're complaining about feeling unsafe in the car. What happens when the car IS actually unsafe and you can't use it?

You two need to sit down and talk about money as a household, not only to budget, but to talk about what your bills are and who contributes what. It might have his name on the title, but are you going to be fine if his car disappears? If the answer is yes, let the car disappear. Your money is your money, and if he can't afford the car, he can't afford the car... but that means you take the bus, or buy your own car.

You don't talk about rent/mortgage. You don't talk about utilities or hobbies or outings, etc. You need to figure out whose money is whose, and whose bills are whose.

Are your expenses, like rent and transportation and so on, WE costs, or MINE and HIS? After that chat, there's another discussion waiting to be had about who is responsible for the arranging of maintenance even if you are paying from a shared pool, but that happens AFTER the money talk.

agly writes:

NAH in my opinion. I come from a middle class family (overall), but my mom was poor. She had a good job, but she was a single mom who insisted on keeping up appearances with what little she had and was “too good” for assistance programs, so we always did without (healthcare mostly) unless my grandparents helped (and my grandpa was not about to let his grandkids go hungry).

I married poorly because my mom and grandma beat it into us girls’ heads that men were THE goal (my grandpa did not, he wanted us to be independent after seeing how THE Goal failed my mom). I went from bad marriage to bad marriage, but I was always the breadwinner. Multiple kids (yay, me and birth control were mortal enemies apparently).

I am now with someone completely different. My kids are grown. I have a hard time with someone who makes the same money I do (or more). It’s been a hard adjustment. I have a feeling this is where your boyfriend is coming from, because I’m recognizing the tells. His moodiness?

He’s doom spiraling and beating himself up for not taking care of his own financial needs, which in turn makes him depend on you (aka: someone else). That’s not a position he’s used to. Depending on someone else is different.

It’s something he’s been conditioned from a young age to reject because if he gets used to it and y’all separate, he will have to relearn how to be independent again. He doesn’t want to get too financially dependent in case you “realize” you can do “better”.

(Please note that these are all part of the doom spiral thought process, they are, by design, a negativity spiral, not necessarily a normal day-to-day thought process)

This sort of thing isn’t easily solved by one conversation. This can take couples counseling, a shared account, a shared budget, maybe even some financial planning/legal planning to discuss long-term goals and responsibilities.

At a year in, you’re not wrong to think that shared finances is a little soon, however, you’re also in a special circumstance here. You two have known each other for a long time, there is a vehicle that needs maintaining that, while his, you are benefiting from as well, and you are eager to solve this communication issue.

I would recommend couples counseling to start, and maybe going over the budget to figure out where you could (even temporarily) pick up things so he can get the brakes fixed on his own without you outright paying for them since he seems so opposed to you paying for them directly...

at least until the two of you can agree to a joint household account for the household finances (and include the vehicle and it’s maintenance under that umbrella).

grmeaar writes:

NTA, or maybe NAH. He shouldn't be jeopardizing his safety or yours because he's too stubborn to use your money to get new breaks.

Some people do get in their feelings about money and differences in income. It's not your fault he feels that way, and I think he really needs to take responsibility for the issue and fixing it.

That being said, I can kind of understand why he might feel that way he does. It sucks to be beholden to your partner financially, or to feel as though you need to rely on them or ask them for financial help.

You've only been together one year, so he might not be thinking of you as one unit with shared finances. if you have no joint accounts either, it might make him feel as though he has to ask you for money which is sometimes upsetting for the lower earning partner in a relationship.

I think it might help to either make a joint account that can be used for shared expenses like car maintenance or things like that, so he doesn't have to ask you for money, and so you're both really sharing finances in some way.

If that's not enough to soothe his ego, then I'd tell him to find a higher paying job.