'AITA for snapping at my parents for treating me more like a second mom than their daughter?' UPDATED
"AITA for snapping at my parents for treating me more like a second mom than their daughter?"
I 23F am the oldest of three siblings. My parents divorced when I was 6 and both of them moved on. My mom remarried had two kids then divorced again. My dad has a daughter with his current girlfriend. We’re a big mixed family and we actually all get along pretty well. I love my siblings and I help with them a lot.
Especially when we have family gatherings. But lately it feels like I’m expected to do everything. My parents only really talk to me when they want something. Now I’m 3 months pregnant with my fiancé and two weeks ago we had a family gathering. Like usual. I ended up watching all the kids.
I didn’t mind much until after dinner. I sat down with a brownie sundae when my little sister (one of my mom’s kids) asked for a bite. I gave her some but then she kept asking for more and I ended up giving her most of it.
My fiancé said "Okay now leave your big sister some" and my dad responded with something like "You should realize an older sister is like a second mother and that won’t change, even when she has her own kids." That hurt a little. I had really wanted that dessert but I gave it up for my sister anyway.
And hearing my dad basically say that I’ll always be expected to take care of everyone, even when I have my own baby, just hurt. My fiancé tried to brush it off and went to see if there was still some left but my parents got defensive and started listing all the things an older sister should/be expected to do.
I snapped and told them they’ve never really treated me like a daughter. Just someone who’s expected to help out all the time. I immediately regretted it and apologized but my mom grabbed my sister and didn’t talk to me for the rest of the night.
My dad didn’t say anything but now he barely responds to my texts. I’m worried I messed up my relationship with my parents and siblings. Did I overreact or how do I fix this?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Equivalent-Moose2886 said:
NTA. Especially now you have your own little one on the way you owe it to yourself to set boundaries, and it sounds like it's long overdue. The fact that your dad even said that you're a like second mom is really messed up.
You are not a second mom, you did not overreact, and you should take some space from them so they can see how much you do for them. It's time you focus on you and your own expanding family, and not being free childcare to your parents.
ConfidentCelesty said:
YTA to yourself. Why would you apologize to your parents when you're not in the wrong? It just makes them more entitled. It's time to build your boundaries and start saying no to their requests. Remember this, no one can make you feel inferior if you don’t consent to it.
throwaway-rayray said:
NTA - it sounds like you’ve been parentified. They also have made clear they have no intention of stopping. Even when you have kids of your own to worry about, you’re the servant to them and their other kids. Please stand up for yourself, you’re so meek even in your post worrying about what they think for you daring to point out you’re not these kids parent.
HykeNowman said:
NTA but you made a mistake, a big one: apologizing.
Radiant_Composer_454 said:
NTA - you’ve been treated poorly and you let your parents know it. What they’re both doing now is refusing to acknowledge or accept your position and are using toxic behaviors (ignoring you and so on) to probably induce you into taking it back and begging forgiveness. Focus on you and your baby, good luck!
cascadia1979 said:
NTA. Your parents do not respect you and have made this clear in this relatively small but revealing interaction. As you’re about to start your own family you need to set some firm boundaries with them. You’re not a second mom to your siblings. You do not exist to help them parent. If they don’t respect those boundaries then you can go low or no contact.
mathhews95 said:
NTA. Don't apologize. You were and still are being used by your parents. You fix this by stating boundaries and sticking to them. Stop giving up things to your siblings, that is their parents' duty, not yours. You are not a second mother and shouldn't be expected to be one.
10 days later OP came back with this update:
Thanks to everyone who commented and offered support. It really meant a lot. I wanted to give an update on what’s happened since.
Two days ago my dad called and said he was going to visit but then changed his mind and asked if we could meet somewhere instead. When I showed up my mom was with him (not sure why he didn’t mention that) My dad actually tried to listen and understand me but my mom didn’t really let me get my point across.
It was so hard to explain how I’ve been feeling recently and how it’s been like this for years. I was only 9 when my first sibling was born (he's 14 now) and I honestly can’t remember if I’ve been able to act like their daughter since then.
Every time I tried to explain how draining this has been. My mom would jump in with "It was just a brownie" I mean for God’s sake it’s not about the dessert. Eventually I just excused myself and went home. After that conversation I think I’ve made up my mind to go lo contact with my mom. It’s going to be incredibly hard.
More than I can even explain. I’ve always said "yes" and put my family first but with my own little family on the way. I don’t want to bring these problems into everything. My fiancé has been really supportive and said he’s with me no matter what I decide.
To answer some of the comments. My fiancé and I don’t live with my parents. We have our own apartment and are working on building our first house. As for how I’m pregnant with my fiancé. The pregnancy wasn’t planned but we decided to go through with it and we’re hoping to be the best parents we can be.