Woman 'steals attention' by throwing BBQ the same day as child-free family wedding. AITA?
"AITAH for supposedly stealing attention from the bride and groom?"
I (25F) am unmarried and live in a small town. My family is pretty big still and is mainly filled with kids raised by other family members. Young pregnancy here, affair baby there. I in fact am the illegitimate guardian of my sister's kid.
The father technically has custody but threw my niece out the house for "peace" and let me keep her unofficially to avoid court. It's just the unfortunate way things are around here but we try our hardest to keep family happy and drama free.
Well, last year my cousin Jay (M25-26?) Got engaged to Lisa (F young 20s), who we went to school with. Jay is the cousin on my mom's side. I don't talk to that side as much as they are little too judge, a little too biblically Live Love Laugh for me, but I love them still. So when Jay announced the wedding I congratulated him but did nothing more.
However, I talked to my mom and turned out the wedding was more special than I thought. Not only was it the 1st wedding with newlyweds (the few recent weddings were 2nd and 3rd marriages) it was taking place at a venue on a small lake.
I was impressed. Usually the weddings in the family are simple. Ceremony at church, party/BBQ in someone's back yard. But this actually piqued my interest. I got more info from Jay and got told the wedding would be in the late summer early fall, not too cold, not too hot.
I also got an invitation where the theme was formal and we could just wear our church clothes as usual, and the date of the wedding would be August 24th of next year (THIS year).
I said perfect, I took time off the day before, the day of, and the day after the wedding. I took my niece to get some prettier clothes because she didn't like her church dress that much.
It was all going great until 7 months later in July of this year. That's when we were notified that it was child-free. Everyone was freaking out, including me. We've all been planning, taking time off work, and getting clothes, only for this late announcement.
For a week everyone was blowing up and talking about Jay and Lisa, I honestly could even talk to my mom as she would bring it up in a huff, even though her two kids have been grown. I personally felt no one was talking to Lisa properly so I personally called them and spoke to her.
I told her how late this decision was, how child-prominent our family is. How she knows our town is 5,000 people large and there are no babysitters around. I told her how my 9 yo niece can't be home during the day by herself like that.
Lisa responded by going off on me. Saying I'm trying to guilt trip her, the family is manhandling her and Jay's choice, and that we just don't have to come. The decision was final. I tried to persuade her again but she just hung up.
After that I brought it up no more, I was honestly so upset that I used my PTO for an event that I can't even go too. But may my luck have it, on the first week of August my PTO for the wedding got denied, now I definitely couldn't go without my niece with me.
To explain why, I'm an RN and work night shifts, I put my niece to bed then go to work, and I'm home by the time the school bus shows up. I'm not about to leave her for 24hrs and be as bad as her father.
Soon the week of the wedding arrived, me and my niece were chilling when she asked me if I was going to the wedding. I said no. She said "oh, man, I wanted bbq". I then said "there probably wouldn't be any, it's a very fancy wedding."
We had a little back and forth, but the end result was me planning a BBQ at my place for all those who couldn't attend the wedding. I chose the day of the wedding as many called off on that day and just kept it.
I called a few family members, I didn't imply anything, just asked if they were going, if they yes I left them be. If they said no, I invited them. On the day of the wedding my back yard was crowed. Uncle brought the grill, cousin got the ribs, auntie brought deviled eggs. It was the bomb, even some family on my dad's side showed up.
Well, the wedding was at 5ish, but we started the grill at 12-1pm. It wasn't until we were Baby Ray's deep in food when the phone calls started. My aunt, Jay's mother, got a phone call. She was loud and everyone started to listen. I later asked and it basically went like this.
Jay: Mama, where are you?
Aunt: at a BBQ at OPs place, why you ask?"
Jay: well I heard Mark (cousin) say you weren't here, why is that?"
Aunt: well the wedding was no kids under 18, and you know I have to watch your brother
Jay: He's 17YO he can watch himself what do you mean?
Aunt: and you could've watched after your family too hangs up
After that convo, Jay immediately called me. And that convo wasn't pretty either.
Me: yeah?
Jay: So you're just going to throw a party on my wedding day? If you had an issue with me you could've said that earlier
Me: I don't have an issue with you, you knew everyone has a child under them and had to call off work today.
Jay: So no one could get a baby sitter? No one? Yall had half a year!
Me: yall didn't tell anyone until a month ago, don't try that, ask your parents why they didn't show up!
I hung up too because I didn't want to deal with it. The day was super fun either way and I got to keep food for my night shift.
When I woke up the next day I saw my phone had blown up. I sleep with my phone on dnd as kid at school equals 8hrs of sleep. Look at the messages and it was filled with passive aggressive text from THAT side of the family.
I just face palmed and sighed. They attended the party but now it was my fault for even throwing it in the first place. But I feel that I wasn't in the wrong at all, but as weeks passed and my mom keeps asking me to apologize to my cousin in law I just have to ask. Am I at fault?
Here's what the top commenters had to say:
WalkoffTriple said:
NTA. Child free wedding is a valid choice but you tell people at the same time as you invite them, and if people choose not to attend you have to live with that.
hannahsangel said:
NTA, plus who the hell has a child free wedding and excludes their own 17yr old brother?! Yeah he is 17th and doesn't need a babysitter but darn if he didn't invite his own brother.. can you blame his mother for not wanting to go.
chikkinnuggitbukkit said:
NTA. Child free is reasonable but that should’ve been disclosed on the invite a year prior.
Schafer_Isaac said:
NTA. They gave nobody good notice for making the wedding "child-free" and everyone had already wasted a vacation day. May as well make the most of it.
ScubaCC said:
ESH. They suck for not giving people more notice for childcare. You suck for inviting the parents of the GROOM to another event on the wedding day.
stickylarue said:
Try our hardest to keep family happy and drama free! Ha! From the person who threw a party on the day of a family members wedding day. The irony is so delicious.
If you don’t have the critical thinking skills to realise that hosting a party at your house on that day of all days was not going to cause major family drama then I question your abilities as a proficient RN. I mean, come on. It was a stupid move if you didn’t want to cause an issue. You had to of known feelings were going to get hurt.
You are NTA for not going to the wedding. The child free time frame was bullshit. Especially as it’s a family affair which means babysitting options drop significantly. I not sure why the girl couldn’t be with her father, safety reasons or other, but with such little time what were your options?
It was ridiculously narrow minded of the bride to assume this wouldn’t be an issue. If she can’t work out why her attendance would drop because you know, of parental life issues, then her self involved level is stupid high.
YTA for not knowing that hosting a party was going to cause problems within your family. NTA because others came. That’s on them. Accountability seems to be lacking in your family as a whole.