I (20F) was raised by my Father (49M) alongside my older brothers, Lyle and Kyle (both 23M, they're twins). Mom left us shortly after I was born so I've never really had a maternal figure growing up. I've tried to ask my Dad why Mom left, but he would always try to dodge the question.
Anyways, this kinda of messed me up a little bit as a kid because I would always blame myself for her leaving. And it also didn't help that my older brothers would always use the ole trusty. "You're why Mom left!" Card in arguments.
During my middle school years, my Mom began to call me and my brothers. She swore up and down for years that she wanted me back in her life but didn’t make any effort to get to know me. So that woman broke a lot of promises with me and my brothers.
The last straw for me was when she didn't come to a beauty pageant I’d been excited for for months. I know that sounds really petty, but at the time, it was really important to me, and she swore up and down that she would come. Of course, she broke that promise, too.
So when Mom called to "apologize" for not, I let that woman have it. I think the call almost lasted an hour and a half, and it was mostly just me cussing her out. Obviously, ever since that phone call, I've been no contact with her.
But a few days ago, my Dad texted me if I wanted to have dinner with him and the boys, saying that he was going to make my favorite meal. Of course, I agreed. I walk in the house, and I hear my dad and my brothers talking. Nothing unusual, of course, but then I hear a woman laugh.
So I walked to the kitchen and saw my Dad, Lyle and Kyle laughing and talking with my mother. So, at this point, I'm pissed and confused. And I think I thought out loud because I said "What the f is she doing here."
Everyone immediately becomes silent, until Dad starts talking. Basically he says that I need to watch my tone, and that all they want to do is talk to me about their future. And I'm like, what are you talking about? Then, my mother had the great idea to drop the bombshell that her and dad got back together and had been dating for months.
I think you can understand how gooped I was from this information. But then Lyle tells me that basically everyone in the immediate family knew about the relationship besides me because "they were worried about how I would react."
So I'm still standing there, shaking with rage. So when my dad tried to grab my arm to sit me down so we could "talk", I snatched it back and basically stormed out the house.
Now, I've been bombarded from texts from my dad and Lyle, saying I was immature and made mom cry. My friends are 50/50 on it. So Reddit, AITA?
NTA for how you feel, they blindsided you and then blamed you for your reaction. If you choose to have nothing to do with your mother, you shouldn't have too. Realize your father is an adult, free to be involved with whomever he chooses.
It would have been better for your dad to talk to you alone. The fact that the all kept if from you was inconsiderate of you. I am sorry, I’ve been there in the sense of being left out or always the last to know. Be strong.
NTA. Do not allow the woman who abandoned you back in to your life. She has always let you down and will continue to. They said you was being immature and made her cry, WTF do they think she has done to you all your life.
NTA. You would be totally justified in going no contact with your family over this. They ambushed you and just decided you had to deal with it. You went through years of heartbreak, broken promises, and torment by your mother and family members. I hope you find your own way and peace.
NTA. You were blindsided by this. No one said anything because they KNEW you would be angry and were trying to soften your reaction with a done deal. Make it clear to everyone in the family, and especially your dad and brothers, that you cannot dictate their choices, just like they cannot dictate yours, and if they are willing to let her back in and likely get burned again then that’s up to them.
However, you have had your trust broken by her far too many times and are not willing to do the same. Tell your dad and brothers that you love them, but they better not pressure you into anything and you have no qualms to cutting them (and any flying monkeys they try to send your way) out of your life.
Tell them that in the event there is a family get together (dinner, holidays, reunions, etc.) you will be civil, but that you will be treating her as the new wife that you refuse to call stepmom (or mom in this case) and will only acknowledge her as such. She is not to try and parent you.
She is not to try and give you life advice unless YOU ask her for such. She is not to try and step into your life as mom. She gave up that right with regards to you long ago, and she does not get it back unless YOU choose to let her. NO ONE is to try to guilt you into accepting her back, especially her.
So, before I get into anything, I just wanted to think everyone for the kind words and reassurement. I wasn't really expecting it at all. I also want to apologize for the late response to everything! I've been busy so much with work and other things that I just haven't had the time.
Anyways, with your guys's advice, I texted my Dad and told him that I wanted answers about what the hell was going on. He agreed, but he said he wanted to have the dinner over at his place and I had to tell him that he lost that trust when he tried to back me into a corner!
He came over to my apartment, I had my friend (M,24) stay in my sewing room for protection. Dad just started sobbing, begging for forgiveness. He kinda went on about how he just wanted us to be the family that we were twenty years ago, the family I don't even remember.
And to let you guys know, these were definitely not crocodile tears. So I hugged him to calm him down, but I had to put my foot down and tell him I wanted answers not tears. He calmed himself a little bit down an explain everything that I asked to me.
Mom was very young when she got together with Dad, with a significant age gap. They started dating right after her high school graduation. My Mother had a history of addiction, something I had suspected. She overdosed once, and my Dad had to rush her to the hospital.
The twins suffered during this period. I was an unplanned pregnancy, and my parents decided to put my Mother in rehab during her pregnancy. She remained miserable, and she ran away to Florida after my birth.
3 Recently, my Mom got clean, got a job, and wanted to apologize to my Dad. They rekindled their relationship and decided it would be best to let the twins know first before they tell me...
It was nice to have this information and I thanked him for it, but I told him that why didn't she apologize to the kids whose hearts that she broke constantly. Of course, he started the back pedal, saying that I just needed to give her a chance to prove herself because the twins already have! Plus it was a really shitty move not to even mention to me that Mom was back!
And I had to explain to him that I have given another chance, way too many times. And that she destroyed that bridge beyond repair. But I also did tell him that I wasn't going to cut them off for it but "Mom" was just going to be the new woman and that we needed to go to therapy without Mom before we continued anything. Dad was a little upset when I lay down this information to him but he did agree on the therapy and said he would tell Lyle and Kyle about it.
He did told the twins, Kyle was down but Lyle was MAD. He tried calling multiple times, and wouldn't pick up he started texting me horrible things. Basically boiling it all down to me being a spoiled brat that needs to get over the past. I gave him a piece of my mind before I blocked him, and we've been NC since.
We also had our first therapy session! And it wasn't groundbreaking, it was just kind of like a introduction type thing and kind of addressing what we want to work on. I showed her my post (when I was alone with her) to give her more context because I can be scattered brain at times. She says she definitely wants to go deeper on my feelings about my mother, alongside my father and brothers if possible. I'll try to give more updates if possible.
I hope the therapy helps, this sounds like the most positive outcome anyone could have hoped for tbh, especially ‘mom." You’re definitely owed a huge apology from her, multiple. It strikes me to not be so hard on your dad, he has clearly loved her this whole time.
And Lyle probably saw how hurt and damaged he was after she left, so is happy for him. You are one family but all experienced and saw different things in this situation. I’m sorry your dad couldn’t articulate that she didn’t leave because of you though, so confusing for a young child and such an easy fix with the right words!
She’s not your mom, she did nothing to earn that title, she’s simply the person that birthed you.
Woah! This is a lot to unpack. Your mother still abandoned you, and that is no excuse, but things are starting to make sense. First of all, I'm glad that you are doing okay and that you are attending family therapy. I would have strong boundaries with my family and trust would be gone.
For your dad to be that weak after she up and left, rekindle things because she got sober and found a job, and tell everyone but you, is hilarious. Your mother has a habit of making promises that she can't keep and she is sober now, but it is extremely difficult to remain sober.
On top of coming back to pick up the pieces of where she left off decades ago, could very well cause her to spiral AGAIN. She would not come back to a traumatic situation without a reason none of you are probably aware of. I'm not condoning her actions but I feel for her a bit.
A teenager with a way older man, who hasn't lived her life, but is pumping out babies, on top of a drug problem to mask all of these huge responsibilities, did your dad not know of the potential outcomes of getting with a baby at his big adult age? Where was your maternal side in all of this?
If she abandons your dad and the twins again, no one better come to you for anything. You are also right. She had all three of you whether planned or unplanned, she should have apologized to the three of you if anything, which makes me think you still aren't getting the full story as to why she is back. Lyle can kick rocks, Kyle probably has the same reservations as you do, and your dad is an idiot.
He should have closed that chapter a long time ago as you are all adults now. She doesn’t get to reap the rewards of being an absent parent when you were all growing up and needed her the most.
Your dad's poor decision skills when it comes to partners, your moms trauma, and brothers mommy issues, do not get to derail your life. Have firm boundaries so you can easily recuse yourself if things ever blow up!
Don’t wanna pester you with more advice. Just a good luck and hope thru it all yall can maybe find a way to love each other again. Family is the most important thing but blood doesn’t cancel out all the mistakes she made but she’ll have a life time to make it up to you.
OP, it sounds like you have a good grasp of what you need in order to move forward with everyone. Wishing you all the best on this journey - I really hope your parents actually make this work and will support you, especially your mother. Holy crap, she has her work cut out for her with repairing all the damage she’s done.
Kyle is a selfish clown, please let your dad know how awful he’s been to you. Someone needs to set him in his place and he’s clearly going to just keep taking all his anger out on you. Get that RO if you need it.