Woman struggling with infertility refuses to spend Christmas with in-laws' newborn baby. AITA?
"AITA for not wanting to celebrate Christmas with my SIL/BIL’s newborn baby when struggling with infertility?"
Ok onto the issue. My (33F) husband (34M) and I have struggled with TTC for more than 3 years. It shouldn’t have been this long but we were only able to get a referral to a fertility clinic a year after we started trying and the fertility clinic itself had a waiting list, and when we finally were able to see a fertility doctor he did an HSG, then sent us home to try some more on our own.
All in all lots of waiting. I don’t really want to get into how I feel about al of this - I think anyone who has gone through infertility gets it. It’s a depressing place to be in. Last year out of nowhere, our SIL (my husband's sister) and BIL announced they were expecting.
They hadn’t dated that long and don’t really have stable jobs and are quite younger than us (SIL is 27), so we weren’t expecting this. My parents in law were absolutely ecstatic , since it’s the first grand child in the family.
My husband is not very close to his sister. For as long as we’ve dated (at this point we’re together for about 9 years), they’ve never visited each other, or done anything together. Growing up they argued a lot and never really cared for each other.
They have very different personalities , very different career paths. I’m pretty sure if they were not related they probably wouldn’t even say hi to each other if they ran into each other in town.
I don’t really know how my parents-in-law feel about this relationship. The one day in the year they want to celebrate together is Christmas Eve. It’s a tradition that every year my MIL cooks and invites me and my husband, SIL and BIL over. It’s the only day in the year that we see these people.
We have no relationship with them. Usually we go, but this year, with the baby, I’m not really in the mood to go and put on a straight face. I know how it sounds but being around babies is difficult for me at the moment. We’re also not that close to them, and I just don’t very much see the need to spend Christmas Eve together this year.
Well I mentioned this to my MIL and she called me an AH. Told me that I’m ruining the baby’s first Christmas and she practically told me she won’t talk to me ever again and that our relationship is ruined.
I tried explaining to her that over the past year we’ve also had multiple miscarriages, one of which made me lose a lot of blood and we had to go to the hospital for and I just would like some peace and quiet for the holidays but she insists that I’m not mentally OK and that I need to "suck it up" so that we can do Christmas Eve like we always do. For the sake of the baby because "how would your baby feel if your SIL does this."
Idk Reddit. AITA for not wanting to be with BIL/SIL and the in laws on Christmas Eve because we’ve been struggling with infertility?
EDIT:
My husband doesn’t care for Christmas. He just wants to keep the peace and keep my MIL happy, so when she said I am not mentally okay he told her we’d look into therapy (which we won’t because we’re already in therapy).
I’m also very sorry if my description of SIL/BIL came out as judgemental. It is not the intention, just wanted to provide some context.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Miserable_Dentist_70 said:
YWBTA. I'm sorry for your struggle. The thing that bothers me most about this post is your characterization of your SIL and BIL. "Out of nowhere," "quite younger," "don't really have stable jobs," "we weren't expecting this." It reads as if you feel they don't have a right to the thing you're trying to have because they do life differently than you do. People don't earn the right to procreate based on your standards.
People are going to have babies. I assume you like babies, so it would seem to me you'd be excited to meet a brand new family member. But you're too busy thinking about how much more you deserve one than they do, so you're stuck in bitterland.
Be happy for them. Be happy to have a new nibling. Go to the thing and see the happy new parents and their new little dumpling. Call a therapist and get help dealing with your feelings about this so that it doesn't sour everything in your life. Best of luck to you going forward.
Fit-Profession-1628 said:
I strugled with infertility for almost two years, I get it. But YTA. They have a baby. Other people have babies. If you're 33 I'm sure some of your friends have babies or are about to have one. That's part of life. You need to learn to be around babies. You don't have to interact with them if you don't want to, that was hard for me for a while, but you need to be able to be around them. I'd advise you to go to therapy tbh.
tatersprout said:
YTA. You cannot avoid family just because they were successful at having a child. You may never have a baby. Do you plan on avoiding babies and children forever? Feelings of loss and jealousy are okay and not unexpected in your situation, but the world also doesn't revolve around you.
I am hearing that you don't think they deserve this baby because the pregnancy "came out of nowhere". You are angry because this may have been unplanned and yet they get to have a child. When you said they were young, I expected 18. 27 is not young. It's a normal age for having kids...almost 30.
That's how life works sometimes. You never had an issue with your husband's relationship with his sister until a baby was added to the picture. You don't get to decide that she isn't important.
You're trying to rationalize avoiding Christmas Eve with his family because a baby will be there. I hope you're in therapy. Don't deprive your husband of his family. Don't put a wedge between you. His needs are important, too.
jrm1102 said:
YTA - for how you have handled this, not for necessarily not going. You’re not that close so overall so you really could have said anything else as to why you couldnt come, a little white lie would have made this situation so much better.
But telling your MIL you cant go because of the baby was an AH thing to do. I’m sorry youve struggled, and that’a got to be heartbreaking but… people have babies. And will continue to have them. I also think you’re coming off a tad judgmental about about the SIL’s relationship.
Floating-Cynic said:
Have you considered that since you aren't close to your BIL and SIL that they would never share any struggles with you? You don't know if SIL has ever had a miscarriage or stillbirth, or if anything traumatic happened in her life.
I'm someone who looks like I get pregnant out of the blue, and infertile family seem to hold this against me, but I actually do have my own story, I just don't share. People have babies. It's cruel to hold that against them just because you can't. YTA for this reasoning.