Woman supports husband's 'horrible' attitude toward his bio child; 'She's NOT a member of this family.' AITA? UPDATED 3X

When this woman is supportive of her husband's strange attitude toward his bio child, she asks the internet:

"New Update: AITAH for supporting my Husband's 'attitude' towards his bio child?"

My Husband (42M) and I (36F) have a very solid relationship. We have been together for about 13 years, have no children but are very active on my nephew's (4M) "Mark" life.

For some background: My husband has a child (16F) "Laura" with whom only my MIL and to some degree FIL have a relationship with from his nuclear family. The reason being she was conceived when her Mom poked holes in the condoms.

It was a whole drama about it and my MIL begging my Husband to have a relationship with Laura but he simply couldn't, he even had to get psychiatric help in order to be able to cope with it.

The Mom admitted she did it so he would stay with her due to responsibility but it did not work. He pays child support because the law mandates it but nothing more.

I didn't hear about this news from my Husband but from my MIL and she emphasized that she liked me a lot and hoped I would be a good enough person and procure a relationship between my Husband and Laura, I was flabbergasted and asked my now Husband about it because my MIL made it seem so different than the truth.

He explained he was going to tell me before we moved in together, and to be fair he kind of had already gave me little infos here and there, and explained the whole situation and even told me I could go to therapy with him and see the psych info if I wanted but things were not like my MIL said.

His sister confirmed this as well, and explained this issue was the reason she was not as close to her parents anymore.

Things went okayish for some time and even the wedding went without issues. We all have several boundaries and MIL more or less respects them although she still have constant communication with Laura and her Mom, we have several cycles of very LC with her.

But things went to overdrive once my SIL got pregnant with Mark, MIL started telling everybody it was not her first grandchild and all that cryptic stuff, my Husband was so uncomfortable about it.

She pushed for Laura to be involved in Birthday parties, christening, etc. but we all said no. She also invited both of them to her Birthday party a couple times and we simply did not attend.

Now the new issue is that Laura has been so sad for not having the bio Dad in her life. My husband said NO and left immediately, i stayed while grabbing our stuff since I had brought food and told her it was not going to happen.

According to my MIL Laura just wants to know my Husband since he is her real Dad and despite being Ok with her Stepdad it's not the same.

She said she will give her our address and contact info because she is desperate for a connection, I told her I would call the police on all of them. I said my SIL will be very upset with her when she hears of this and to not be surprised to get less access to Mark.

MIL called my Husband cruel and me a bad person for encouraging his cruelty towards an innocent child. I told her I understand Laura is innocent but she most likely would not be asking the same if it was a woman who conceived in the same circumstances. AITAH?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

vegcod writes:

NTA. That her son felt it was so traumatic that he got counseling should imply to MIL that this wasn’t some high school romance that took a turn.

It seems clear OP’s husband feels this was an assault and done against his will , and that she won’t acknowledge his pain because she’s so pressed for a grandchild is incredibly sad.

It’s quite possible her to have a relationship with her grandchild and respect her son’s feelings.

Op, it’s not your responsibility to guilt or shame your husband into confronting his trauma. Your husband made a decision to preserve his mental health and not be involved and you’re right to suppose it. Your MIL isn’t interested in anything but what she wants, and to hell with anyone else.

crea53 writes:

For once, I don't think MIL's insane. I think she's definitely overstepping by pushing for a relationship, but she's absolutely correct about SIL's kid not being her first grandkid. Imagine how the 16 year old would feel if her grandma essentially disowned her by calling SIL's kid her first grandkid.

For not wanting anything to do with his kid, I do have mixed feelings about it.

Obviously what happened was 100% legally SA, and if it's really triggering for him to be around her, then yeah, he can't have anything to do with her.

If he's avoiding her because she was unwanted, that's pretty AH-ish. Poked condoms or not, he accepted the risk of pregnancy as soon as he stuck his dick in his Ex. That's where a man's right to choose ends. He just didn't consent to the risk being as high as it was.

And it's also really weird how he didn't say anything to you about having a kid (because like it or not, he's got a kid--it's just he either doesn't want anything to do with her or it triggers his poor mental health).

There was nothing at all traumatic about the act of having se% with holes poked in his condom. Had she never confessed, he never would have known.

The trauma comes from the betrayal of trust, not a physical SA This is NOT the same as the trauma of holding someone down and having se% with them. It's ridiculous to imply it. Just because the law calls it this thing doesn't mean it is.

wioldload6 writes:

I think someone should explain to the poor girl why her bio dad doesn't want to have a relationship with her. It's only fair. I don't know if she's mature enough to be able to handle it but maybe they can explain it during a counseling session.

I think the biodad's parents are misguided but trying to do the right thing. I think biodad is doing what's best his his mental health and family as are OP and SIL.

I think Laura deserves to know why her bio dad doesn't and never will want a relationship with her. And then she's going to need therapy probably.

She needs to know it's not her fault and has nothing to do with her and it's actually her mother's fault for doing something immoral and illegal.

featgs2 writes:

ESH except Laura and Mark. I get being angry for being lied to about contraception, and being forced to pay child support for a child you didn’t want to a mother that you despise, and may even need to protect yourself from.

But I’m just going to throw out the idea that Laura may need you, and that you might gain something from having a relationship with her now.

After all, you’ve been paying child support, but you haven’t had any of the benefits. I get not wanting to take on baby care, or having to set up your whole life around shared custody with the person you hate.

But there are a lot of alternatives between no contact and shared custody that would’ve allowed you to play a role in her life and keep an eye on her, without engaging so much with her mother.

That’s especially true now that Laura is in a stage of her life where she is moving away from her mother and beginning to take her first steps into independent adulthood. I think it really helps people in that stage of life to have as many adults as possible around them, supporting them.

Laura is old enough now that you can have a relationship with her without seeing her mother at all. And she’s a couple of years older, she is old enough to learn the truth about how she was conceived, and why you refused to have a relationship with her for so long.

You knew her mother was the kind of person who would put holes in a condom to trapa man into fatherhood, so she’s probably the kind of person who would do similar crazy things to her children.

Now the birth mother might have grown a lot as a person since then. Motherhood may have forced her to grow up, but nevertheless, Laura didn’t deserve any of this.

This may be an unpopular opinion, but I think your mother-in-law is right to have maintained a relationship with Laura over the years, and to consider Laura her first grandchild. she’s right to share information about you with Laura, and gently encourage the two of you to build a relationship.

She was not right to introduce Laura to Mark without your sister‘s permission, but she is within her own rights to invite Laura to family gatherings that are important to her, where she wants her grandchildren around her.

At the same time, there is a possibility that her crazy mother damaged Laura to the point that having a relationship with her is not possible. But it seems worth exploring, not just for her but for you.

Update 1:

thank you all for your opinions even if you say we are monsters or cruel. I’m trying to keep up but I think I need to clarify some things.

I asked if IATAH not because I want to betray my Husband but because I stand by him no matter what.

The condom did not break and he was very into safe se%, she assured him she was on the pill but he wanted to be safer by using condoms.

Yes, she admitted to poking holes when he asked her if she would consider an abortion and if not if they could coparent because he really didn’t want a relationship anymore. She admitted to it, MIL knows all of this. She is not in jail because MIL begged my husband to not report it and he just wanted it all over.

My FIL is like Switzerland now, at the beginning he was up in arms until my SIL asked him if he would feel the same if it happened to her. MIL is on thin ice with SIL since she introduced Mark to Laura on a Zoo outing without consulting SIL first. MIL is not allowed alone time with Mark anymore.

He has to pay child support until Laura is 18 or done with education in the country we live. He already made sure to make a will leaving her the minimum allowed by law since you can’t disinherit children in the country but you can leave them the least amount, MIL is very distraught at this since he had me and Mark as main beneficiaries.

Husband does not want to meet Laura, give her a letter, etc. I am not going to make him do that. I do believe my MIL is pushing harder since Mark was born because my Husband is amazing with him, we even took him on a trip recently and we are very loving towards him. We also spend a bunch on him because we want, we own our place but it’s all in my name for obvious reasons.

I don’t know if Laura knows, but I would never tell her because it is not my place and despite everything I think it is horrible to learn and worse from someone you don’t even know.

Update 2 (two days later):

I want to thank everybody that took the time to reply even if it was against us, you gave us the push we needed to clear the situation. I am sorry this is long.

I showed my Husband the post and after spending a long time reading the comments he decided enough was enough. Yesterday morning he texted my SIL and MIL telling them he would like to meet and have this over with, MIL said we could do it in the afternoon and that Laura was coming too, we all said OK.

My SIL and BIL met us at the door because they didn't want to go in before us. It was really tense since the beginning, Laura tried to hug everybody but we asked her to please not.

Then she tried to hug my Husband and he was slightly less polite and asked her to not touch him. My MIL was very cheerful somehow and my FIL was just offering everybody drinks and snacks, he was like living in his own reality.

We sat down and after what felt like the longest 5 silent minutes of my life my Husband turned to Laura and asked her if she could please leave him alone.

Laura responded that he was her Dad and she will need his support when she goes to Uni since she was planning to move to our city and it was very expensive and hard to find a place, she said she knew he own his own place and that he clearly has money to spare so she was wondering if he would help her out.

My Husband said no, that he was already paying child support and will stop as soon as the law allows him to.

She was upset but somehow kept going, she turned to me and said that at the end of the day what is my Husband's will go to her since MIL explained the inheritance laws to her and she wanted to be in good terms with me for when we need to decide what to do with the house, etc.

I just told her not to worry because the house is on my name only and there is already a will covering it all. MIL knew about the will but not the house situation. Laura was a bit taken aback and looked at my MIL like asking for help.

She said that even if there is no future money she thought my Husband was unfair to her and that she used to think he simply didn't want to be a Dad but he is amazing with Mark and we even take him on trips. My SIL asked her point blank if she knew how she was conceived and she does.

Laura knows everything and says that while it was not the nicest way her Mom wanted her so badly that made it happen. She said SIL should understand because she has her cousin and she would love a relationship with him. My SIL was seething and BIL told Laura he will literally call the cops if she tries to get near Mark.

She started crying saying that she wanted her family to love her and be as awesome as everybody is with Mark and that it is not her fault and her Mom is not a bad person she just wanted a family and my Husband denied them that.

my Husband said that it was the lying and the deception that costed the relationship not him, that if there was an honest mistake things would have been different. He told her he will never be her Dad and she needs therapy, he said that she could get a job instead of expecting him to pay for her life in the long term and that he is not willing to have contact after today.

MIL started begging both her kids not to go and maybe do family therapy, they both said they are going NC with her and FIL is on thin ice. MIL is blocked everywhere.

I guess this is it. NC with MIL from all of us, SIL and Husband seem actually pretty happy with the decision. We had dinner together and the topic was dropped after a couple minutes and we focused on other stuff. I am sorry there is no Disney ending but this is for the best and I still support my Husband's mental health above all.

I think I would like to play a little devil's advocate regarding the money. When Mark was born we started being very active in his life. We have yearly passes to the zoo, get him nice things, pick him up from daycare twice per week, got him to Disneyland Paris, etc.

I believe my MIL was showing her pictures and that is why it came out like this. Or at least it is my assumption of it. Her Mom is not poor by any means, but she does have 2 other kids. Our city is very popular for student life which makes it that much expensive.

My Husband and I are not interested in having or not children on our own, we simply are ambivalent about the issue. I know it might have made MIL even more eager to have a relationship with Laura. We were giving her pocket money for some time but we have decided to stop that as well and let her figure things out with her pension alone.

I don't think we will have anything else to update in this case other than if Laura or MIL come around Mark but I highly doubt this will happen. As much as we don't want a relationship with any of them these are a teenager and a pensioner, not criminal masterminds.

Update 3 (2 months later):

I want to start by saying thank you again to the encouraging messages and and f to the ones calling us all monsters. We are humans and flawed as every single one of the rest.

I thought the issue was over and dropped but it seems it is now. We had some weeks of bliss and chaos afterwards, we are all still recovering from it.

Now to what happened to explode our life again and please keep in mind it brings me no joy. My nephew Mark turned 5 weeks after my last update, after so many messages from my MIL and FIL, my SIL decided to let them attend but told MIL she was not to bother me or my Husband. My MIL didnt approached us once but kept staring at us and we decided to ignore her.

The issue was that I kept holding my pumped stomach and my husband kept being goofy about it. I am not pregnant, I have several intolerances to delicious yummy things that make me bloated but I misbehave and eat sometimes. My MIL does not know about most of them since they are age developed and we used to go yoyo with LC with her so I guess she assumed I was pregnant.

A week after Mark's birthday party is when everything went to hell, Laura came to my Husband's office and made a scene. She was screming at him how she couldn't believe he was starting over without taking care of his first child and many other insults and stuff.

She was throwing office supplies and crying and making a whole deal so the office manager called the police and an ambulance, she also called me. By the time I arrived my husband was having a panic attack in his office and totally sure he was fired. I told him to not worry and i will sort it.

I explained everything to everybody from coworkers, to police, to emts. Laura was taken in for evaluation and the coworkers took a "long lunch" so my husband could leave without having the awkward walk out.

I took my husband home shaking and as he was panicking and crying he said he felt unsafe, I took him to his psychiatrist and the psychiatrist was able to calm it and we also had a session together days later where he opened up more about what the Mom did to him. This has been very expensive but worth it for sure.

Laura was not really in trouble since the office manager agreed to let it go for an apology and payment, the Mom (Laura's) was not having it. The moment she saw my husband at the station she went ballistic and my Husband couldn't handle it and he had another panic attack. This woman is a fg doctor but does not care for it. Atg the end she paid the fine and restitution to the office and took Laura home.

As a little background, I would like to share something I recently discovered about my husband's relationship with Laura's Mom: whatever I thought, it was way worse. Will not go into details but during therapy it came out she even threatened him once with a knife. It has been really hard to keep it together latelty. But explains a lot of my husband's reactions here.

My SIL was so done with my MIL after it, she told her dad he either divorce her or she is cutting him too. It is still a 50/50 since SIL is literally FIL's favorite person but he has been married to MIL for like 44 years. My BIL took my husband camping and they had fun and kept him distracted.

He has been mainly on sick leave since the incident, he is a manager so he would come 1 day a week and then get the rest of the week covered so he can recover. This was suggested by his bosses, hey all feel like they should have protected their employees better.

My SIL, Husband, BIL, and I had a disagreement due to Laura's expenses. I suggested to just get her a block payment and requesting she should get therapy but all of them say she should get nothing. I said I would be willing to pay for it but after the new revelations on my Husband's relationship with the Mom my SIL is even more up on arms against helping them more than we should.

I do feel bad for Laura, I do..... and I know the rest (Husband, SIL, BIL) used to a little. Now, there is no way in heaven to make them help her. The last "nice thing" my Husband did was convincing his bosses to not charge Laura and paying for the monitors she broke.

Since his leave my Husband spends a lot of his afternoons with Mark. My SIL and BIL and leading the charge on getting Laura to accept a bulk payment and therapy but don't want her in their life. MIL and FIL and estranged so far and my Husband goes to therapy once a week and slowly recovering.

And before it starts, yes we know Laura is a victim of her Mom but does it give her a right to retraumatize my husband? I still stand with my Husband and probably will be called the worst of the worst but some advice was very good the first few times so that's why I came back.