Woman suspects husband is cheating after he secretly buys lingerie that's too small. AITA? UPDATED
"WIBTA for asking my husband (38M) if he’s cheating after he secretly bought lingerie that was too small for me (44F)?"
I’m trying to figure out if there’s a reasonable explanation behind this because I can’t believe he would cheat on me. My husband and I have been married for years and raised two beautiful children. He’s always been a loving, romantic, affectionate, perfect husband. I never had any doubts about him. I have an athletic body. I’m very healthy but I am not small.
We have joint finances and I noticed an unusual purchase. My husband had bought expensive lingerie arriving today. I looked into it. On one hand, it’s too small for me and built for a petite skinny woman with no muscles. And I have never worn lingerie. I don’t even know if I would be confident in lingerie.
And he knows my size. He’s bought clothes for me before, including underwear, and has never been wrong. This so is clearly the wrong size, way too small for me. The brand has undercarriage, waist and hip sizes. My husband is handsome and has women throwing themselves at him. I have no doubt that if he wanted to he could easily get an affair partner.
On the other hand, it could conceivably be an insanely tight fit on me. And he’s shipping it to our home address instead of his office. He didn’t have anything incriminating on his phone but we share phones so it could mean nothing.
WIBTA for confronting him about the lingerie? I don’t want my husband to feel that I don’t trust him but I don’t have any other explanations.
EDIT:
I have never worn lingerie in my life. He hasn’t bought me lingerie before. It’s very frilly and cute, not something that would suit me even if it fit. He is a perfectionist and has never bought me the wrong size in clothes. If it was a mistake in sizing he would have called weeks ago when it was ordered. The lingerie has actual measurements and my husband knows my measurements.
I am not going to be home when the package arrives. I don’t open packages anyways. It’s way way way too small to fit my husband. I know a few women it would fit. I don’t usually go through credit card transactions.
If I hadn’t looked at them to cancel a subscription I wouldn’t have noticed the pricey credit card charge to a lingerie store. Our children are young. If they stole the credit card, my husband would have immediately noticed and shut it down. It’s entirely inappropriate for children.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
JobobTexan said:
Give it a few days. If he doesn't surprise you with it, then start questioning him.
SeeKaleidoscope said:
As hard as it is you HAVE to wait. If you ask, he will just say it is for you.
Lucyanova17 said:
Do NOT confront him. Best case scenario : He bought you lingerie and made an honest mistake about the size. It happens. Worst case scenario: He is cheating on you.If you confront him,you alert him to the fact that you suspect him,and he will be more careful to conceal himself and you won't have the physical evidence you might need later for a divorce case. Watch and see what he is up too.
Look for other classic signs of cheating.If he turns out to be in the clear,don't tell him that you thought he was cheating either.
EstimateExciting3509 said:
I would wait. Honestly. Think of it as a test. Wait a few days after you know it has arrived and, if he hasn’t given it to you as a gift, you can confront him. Is he a small man? Would the lingerie fit him? Maybe he bought it for himself? It is a lil sus. But I would say, trust your intuition right now, and wait and see what he does.
P.s. if you confront him now, he could always lie. That’s why I say wait and see. It’s like that movie “Love Actually” where the wife finds the VERY expensive necklace (that her husband bought his secretary he was sleeping with) in her husbands coat jacket and assumes it is his Christmas gift to her.
When she opens her present on Christmas and sees it is a record album, she knows that the gift wasn’t for her and he was cheating. If she had confronted him prior, he could have very well just wrapped the necklace up and given it to her as a gift (and bought another for his mistress).
Valuable_Ant_969 said:
Is he the kind of guy who would make a sexytimes purchase for another woman using shared finances in a way you could easily find out and have it shipped to the house?
Electronic-Net-3196 said:
If he is a perfectionist he probably wouldn't send lingerie for another woman to his own house. That is not something someone who is very into detail would do. There must be another explanation.
UPDATE:
The lingerie arrived this morning. I wasn’t home. I do errands in morning on weekends. I have a routine. I read a lot of comments, although I couldn’t read all of them. I got a lot of creepy DMs but a few supportive ones. I still emphatically believe in my heart that my husband wouldn’t cheat on me. So I gathered up my courage and came home earlier than I usually do.
I tried to talk to my husband but he told me to go get ready for dinner. On the nightstand was a box with the lingerie. He gives me gifts like that sometimes on the nightstand or on the bed. I can’t explain how much relief I felt. It was honestly so beautiful and delicate with lace and straps and a floral design.
But then I tried it on. And, it was way too small and incredibly tight. I’m toned and in great shape especially for my age but it just made me feel lumpy and ugly. I’m insecure about my looks and age. I’m not as beautiful as I once was.
My husband knocked a few minutes later as I was crying and asked if I needed help putting it on. I told him no but he still came in and I felt uglier and an emotional mess. He looked excited and told me I looked beautiful. I told him it was too small and he asked me where and how it felt and I eventually broke down and told him that it gave me rolls and extra lumps and how I saw the transaction.
I was afraid he didn’t want me anymore because the lingerie was too small and frilly for me and we hadn’t been intimate in weeks and a bunch of other emotional stuff. He coaxed me into calming down and being intimate. And getting all of that stuff off my chest helped me calm down.
And then we talked some more. I apologized for ever thinking he could betray me and my husband forgave me. He apologized for being distant and making me needy. I told him I couldn’t believe that I freaked out over him making a mistake in sizing for the first time. He said he didn’t make a mistake.
He bought it too small on purpose because he liked the idea of me uncomfortable and squirming in too small lingerie. It made sense. The top and bottom wasn’t the absolute smallest size but just large enough that I could squeeze in and be incredibly uncomfortable.
Some of the accessories were the right size for me. He said he thought I would be uncomfortable but didn’t think I would cry or be desperate for his affection and he liked it a lot and wants to continue exploring this. I told him we had to do it with cheaper lingerie. It’s odd but whatever floats his boat.
I’m glad he was honest about what he likes because he could have just went along with my assumption that he made a mistake in sizing and didn’t double check. I don’t think we’re going to make it to dinner. We’re probably going to have takeout, which the kids love. There was no dinner reservation planned, it was just a ruse.
My husband asked if I wanted to accompany him for a bsuiness trip in a couple months. He doesn’t take trips often. I work from home but I didn‘t know what I would do there alone in a hotel room. I told him that and he said that he wanted my company and joked that he couldn’t leave me alone since I got really upset after not being intimate with him.
Honestly, he’d had to book the tickets and it would cost us our own money and a sitter but my husband can handle that stuff. We’re eating pizza and he’s asking why I’ve been glued to my phone for the past two days.
Here's what top commenters had to say about the update:
No-Requirement-2420 said:
I’m glad it was for you. His kink is a little umm I’m not sure the word but maybe next time he needs to talk to you first before involving you in a kink he wants to try. It’s the right and polite thing to do. But other then that I’m glad it was a happy ending for you both.
WavesnMountains said:
Personally, I think all kinks should be discussed beforehand, especially something that makes you feel humiliated. I’m glad it was for you, I guess.
Woozy_burrito said:
Wait what? He bought it too small on purpose because he liked the idea of you being uncomfortable getting into the lingerie, and he wants to”continue exploring this?" “That made sense.” What’s going on? I’m so confused.
GOTTOOMANYANIMALS said:
He bought it smaller because he gets off by it making you feel uncomfortable squeezing into it??? WTH.
AquaticStoner1996 said:
This was not the relief filled update I thought it would be. That seems more than a kink based on her comments. It just seems like he legitimately likes her sad and uncomfortable?? He walked in to her crying at how small the clothes were and intentionally ignored it, and was excited?
He was intentionally hurting her and making her uncomfortable and LIKES it ? And she's relieved and thinks this is okay? OP's husband gives me really off vibes. And the ick.
Frozefoots said:
Honestly? This is disgusting. To know that you have body issues and insecurity and to basically heighten that with lingerie that is too small, to the point of making you openly sob - and get excited about it - is disgusting. It’s humiliating and belittling.
If my partner did this to me I’d be having doubts with the relationship overall. But maybe that’s me just not meshing with this “kink?" I don’t know. This isn’t a good update to me. Just a bad update that went in an unexpected direction.