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Woman suspects husband is having affair with her best friend, 'when I woke up, I was alone.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

Woman suspects husband is having affair with her best friend, 'when I woke up, I was alone.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

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"AITA for Thinking There's a Hidden Affair Between My Husband and Best Friend?"

I (31F) have a deep suspicion that there is something weird going on between my husband (33M) and my best friend Maria (30F). My husband feels I am just seeing things and is mad at me that I do not trust him enough. Please tell me if what is going on is just in my head, or if you also find the situation from last weekend suspicious.

Maria and I have been best friends since college. She has always been very outgoing, while I am more of an introvert. Maria was always a bit promiscuous and loved drama. She had a lot of boyfriends/hookups in college. She is also very beautiful and I always felt invisible when I was around her (I have weight issues). I always felt overshadowed by her.

I was always very shy and my husband was the first person I ever dated. Maria always teased me that I had only been with one guy in my life. As we have grown older, Maria is still to be in a real long-term relationship. I feel that things have reversed now, and she keeps on telling me how lucky I am to have such an ambitious and reliable husband by my side.

Around 6 months ago, my husband came to me and told me that he felt Maria was trying to flirt with him. He does not like Maria but tolerates her for me. During one of the dinner parties, Maria was acting very flirty around my husband. She was just laughing extra-loudly at all his jokes, complimenting his fitness, and touching him on the shoulders and arms.

My husband told me that he felt uncomfortable with her behavior and asked me to talk to Maria. I was pissed off and talked to Maria. She got angry at me and said that she had known my husband for over a decade, he is like a brother to her. She felt my husband was trying to destroy our friendship because he did not like her. I felt she was genuine and let it go.

Maria soon joined our gym because she wanted to take yoga classes with me. However, she spent more time in the weights room where my husband is. Again, my husband made comments about how she is always half-naked in the gym and asked him to spot her. Maria complained that my husband is being rude and unhelpful to her.

I again took her side and told my husband to be helpful and nice to her, as she is my best friend. My husband said he would make more effort. I slowly started seeing them getting more and more friendly and working out together. I wanted to be cool, but I felt jealous.

So now to what happened last weekend. Maria invited a bunch of her friends for a birthday party at her apartment. There were 7 guests there, including my husband and I. Maria kept on pushing tequila shots on all of us. Eventually, most of us got drunk. Maria was sitting next to my husband and was being very flirty with him, but I could see my husband not reciprocating, so didn't care.

Maria insisted we stay back at her place, and my husband and I slept in the guest bedroom. The other three guests, who were her coworkers (1 guy and 2 girls) crashed on the sofas in the living room. I was drunk and the last thing I remember was my husband bringing me to the guest room.

When I woke up in the middle of the night, I was alone in bed. I could hear some moaning noises from outside. I quickly started looking for my phone in the dark. In that process, I dropped something from the nightstand on the floor. The noises stopped and I heard a door open and close outside. I quickly got up to see where my husband was.

When I reached the hallway, I saw my husband, just in his jeans with no shirt on. I asked him where he was, and he said he went to the restroom and asked if I was ok. I said yes, and he came and slept next to me. He was sweaty. I asked him where his shirt was, and he said that the heater was too high, and he felt hot. His T-shirt was on a chair next to the bed. I lay down, but I was barely able to sleep after that.

I got up early and went into Maria's room and she was sleeping alone naked. I told her we were taking off, and she got up to see us off. I kept this all to myself, and when we reached home and my husband went to take a shower, I immediately checked his phone. I could not find any messages between him and Maria. I spent the whole day thinking about it and finally confronted my husband regarding it at night.

He was pretty angry at me and told me that he hates Maria and the only reason he tolerates Maria is because of me. I told him about the moaning noises, and he said he also heard the same when he went to the restroom but thought they were coming from the living room. He is still angry at me, that I can accuse him of something so horrible, and has told me that if I am really that insecure, I should cut off my friendship with Maria. He also told me that he was never going to be in the same room as Maria ever again.

I have no idea what to do. On one hand, I know my husband would never cheat on me. But, it's just impossible to get the doubts out of my head. I keep on picturing my husband and Maria together in her bed. Am I the ahole to confront my husband and accuse him of cheating, just because of what I saw, and not having any real proof? How do I know what happened?

If I confront Maria and accuse her, she is also going to be equally mad at me. I don't know her coworker friends well enough to trust what they say. I just feel stupid for trying to push for friendship between my husband and Maria. Please help! Update: they are texting via Facebook messenger.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

veronica19922022 said:

Maria isn’t your best friend. I say that sincerely as someone else who had “best friends” my whole life who were similar to Maria. I had a best friend like this who was prettier, funnier, more outgoing, better with men, everything in college. My boyfriend also didn’t like her. She also tried to flirt with him. I also worried about this. I was wrong.

My boyfriend didn’t cheat on me. And it’s unlikely your husband cheated on you with her if he dislikes her so much. Much more likely his story is correct that he was hot and took his shirt off. Drinking makes you feel hot on top of having a heater on and sleeping. Listen- as someone who has been through this. Put some distance between yourself and Maria. You don’t have to cut her out 100% but maybe take her down to about 20%.

“But we’ve been through so much together!” Yea I know. But what’s even better than that is having friends who you aren’t worried want to steal your husband. Judgement: Maria is an AH. Husband is NTA. You are to be determined. Take this as a chance to apologize and move on. If you don’t you WBTAH

Jaded-Kitty87 said:

Good God your poor husband...How many times did he tell you he was uncomfortable with Maria and you just brushed it off and ignored him??? AND made him be around her and MORE helpful in the gym when she was half naked?? How would you feel if he did that to you?? Wtf. Yta to your husband for not taking his concerns seriously and she's the a-hole for trying to steal your husband

Here_4_cute_dog_pics said:

YTA for valuing Maria's feelings over the feelings of your husband. He repeatedly told you that she was making advances on him and he was uncomfortable about it and your solution was to tell him to spend more time alone with her. Maria is not your friend, she has openly flirted with your husband right in front of you and you didn't even care.

You have had dozens of opportunities to remove Maria from your life since she has started flirting with your husband or to at least restrict her access to your husband but instead just forced him to be alone around her more. I don't think there is enough evidence to say if or if not your husband cheated on you but there are plenty of reasons to cut off contact with Maria.

Mariposita48 said:

To answer your question YTA. From what you wrote, your husband has zero interest in even wanting to be associated with Maria. She makes him extremely uncomfortable, but, because he loves you, he attempted to form a cordial relationship with her at your request. You chose Maria each time things were brought to a confrontation when he was uncomfortable.

Then, you jumped to the conclusion that somehow he made a complete 180, and that he was the one hooking up with her when it could have actually been with one of her coworkers. From what you wrote, there is more evidence to support him having to use the bathroom, and it really could have been wrong place wrong time when you saw him.

She does come off as trying to steal your husband. There is absolutely no doubt about that, but your husband seems to be genuinely uncomfortable with her. I hope you have apologized for accusing him like that. I understand your insecurities, but he does seem wholeheartedly in love with you.

TwoBionicknees said:

YTA. Maria is going after your husband, maybe they were fucking, who knows. But your husband repeatedly told you to keep her away and you repeatedly chose your friend ahead of your husband and kept putting them together.

If I was him, I wouldn't cheat but I would be exceptionally pissed off at a wife who completely disregarded me saying I felt uncomfortable around this woman but you kept ignoring it and forcing me into situations to spend time with this woman.

NOW you think there is something going on and NOW you're willing to increase your distance from Maria, but your husband asked you for this numerous times. You didn't care when it was just him uncomfortable but now it's you that is uncomfortable you care.

TripppingRoses said:

Lady, YTA here for the sole reason that your husband said he did not like your sh$tty, cheating "best friend" and she made him uncomfortable with her inappropriate behavior toward him and you not only didn't listen to his concerns, you forced him to continue interacting with her inappropriate behavior and put him and yourself into a vulnerable position.

I'm inclined here based on your story to believe your husband because you have found no evidence at all at this point and this whole damn situation is your fault for ignoring your husband feelings and concerns in the first place.

For once listen to your husband's feelings and cut off your backstabbing and inappropriate "best friend", apologize for not listening to him in the first place and forcing her on him, and get counseling for yourself and and each other to work through this and rebuild trust for the both of you.

danteslacie said:

YTA to your husband, but not quite because of the accusation. He's constantly telling you he's uncomfortable and you don't listen.

UPDATE:

I had posted about a month ago regarding suspecting my husband and my best friend Maria sleeping together while I was drunk and passed out in another room. A lot happened during the last month, and my mental health is at its lowest due to the betrayals. However, I think I now know what happened that night. I am sorry for the long post.

So, the day after my husband and I stayed at Maria's house for her birthday party, I was unable to shake the feeling that something happened between them. I am not proud but I checked my husband's phone and all his messaging apps. I only found a brief chat between my husband and Maria on Facebook Messenger.

Maria thanked my husband for coming to her birthday party and for such a great night. She sent him a photo of them hugging at the end of the night (after I was asleep). My husband told Maria that I suspected that something happened between them and asked her to talk to me. Maria told him that she would talk to me.

Maria called me the next day and told me that I was crazy and she would never think of doing such a thing to me. She sounded convincing, but I just couldn't shake the gut feeling that something happened. I told her why I suspected them, and she called me crazy and that my head was making up stuff that did not exist.

I also mentioned that I saw her photo with my husband after I was asleep and she should have kept her distance from him. I decided to distance myself from her, as I no longer trusted her as a friend. We also changed the times we went to the gym so that we don't run into her.

After a week or so, she messaged my husband on Facebook Messenger that they should tell me the whole truth. My husband kept on asking her what she was talking about, but she kept on telling him that she felt guilty. My husband came to me and told me that Maria is sending messages to him and he is not sure what she is inferring.

He kept on assuring me that nothing happened between them that night. I told him that I read their secret chats on Facebook Messenger. He gas-lighted me, calling me insecure and that Maria was trying to play with my head. I finally decided to go to Maria's house and ask her what was going on. Maria initially kept on saying that she did not want to talk about it.

However, finally, she broke down and told me what happened. She told me that during the night of the birthday party, my husband kept on staring at her. After they realized I was too drunk, he took me to the bedroom and again went back to the living room. At this point, he was sitting next to Maria and kept on touching her legs playfully.

Maria was also very drunk and they decided to call it a night in 30 minutes. Maria said that my husband followed her to her room and he started undressing her and they were intimate together. She told me that she was too drunk to consent to anything and felt violated. She kept quiet to keep peace, but it was bugging her from inside. I asked her if she was sure as she was too drunk that night, and she said that although she was drunk she remembers all the details.

I confronted my husband, but he still kept on telling me that what he was telling was the truth, and Maria never liked him and was playing me for a fool. He was so angry at me that he left the house and is currently living in a hotel nearby. He keeps on calling me and asking me to trust him, but I don't know how I can trust him now. I never expected him to do such a thing. Maria has also been trying to talk to me and asking me to be there to support her. However, I do not know if I can look at either one of them.

I am just going to try and cope with the situation and plan to go and live with my parents for a few days until my husband and I agree about our future. I know you all thought I was crazy in the previous post, but I knew in my gut that something was wrong, and never expected my life to suddenly come to this point.

Here's what top commenters had to say after the update:

bansdonothing69 said:

If you’re looking for some honesty, have you noticed that your friend’s version of the story just so happens to make your husband look like the bad guy and her completely innocent and a victim? After her messaging that they should come clean and that she feels bad? Which one is it? Does she feel bad about what she did, or was just a victim? It smells of BS.

A3LL0 said:

Maria started texting him about coming clean with u AFTER u told her u‘re having access to his fb account.. coincidence? I don’t think so! YTA for having 0 trust in ur husband & letting Maria manipulate & destroy everything...In ur first post u mentioned this girl likes drama...seems to check out.

Beerded-1 said:

I hope your husband leaves the two of you behind. Her for not respecting that he’s married, and you for NEVER having his back. YTA.

Extension_Camel_3844 said:

Stop. Breathe. Think. Process. Think about the messages she sent him previously. Think about in her version he is the entirety of the bad guy - she was "too drunk" to consent but she remembers every detail and he remembers nothing? Seems fishy to me and very one sided.

There was no hint at all about any kind of he "assaulted" me in those messages. Is it possible he was roofied and truly does not remember anything? Is it possible Maria is actually crazy and has this made up scenario in her head to split you up? Something doesn't seem right in Denmark here. You have some confirmation of facts to gather before making any decisions in my opinion.

F1rebirdTA said:

YTA. Holy crap.. the fact that you're ligitamately believing the word of this girl who has, on multiple occassions shown red flags, over your husband who has repeatedly assured you of his trust worthiness is rediculous... through the entire relationship he seems to have had open communication regarding maria...

And you still snoop finding zero evidence...Then this friend tries to build "evidence" via messanger (which your husband DID NOT know you had access to) to which he again, has shown innocence.. and yet you seem to still somehow.

This is now a you problem.. you're self esteem and constant self comparison to maria has now nuked your own relationship... maria is clearly manipulative, and when she sensed she couldnt break you two apart via consensual infidelity, decides to throw sexual assault out there? I mean... you owe you husband a hell of an apology; that is, if he hasn't decided a marriage without trust is not worth it already.

MsAries7104 said:

Are you delusional??? Your so called friend is jealous of your relationship! She’s given you the weapons and You are destroying your own marriage because you have such little faith and respect for your husband and yourself. Your poor husband must feel so betrayed by you.

SECOND UPDATE:

I initially did not know who to believe and thought my friend was telling the truth. My husband was upset that I did not trust him and left the house to stay at a hotel. After posting the update, I read the comments until 4 am and cried uncontrollably. I let my insecurities and crazy trust Maria when it was clear that my husband was telling the truth. Sorry for the long post. You helped me so much and might have saved my life. For the few people who DMed me vile messages, I am mentally unstable, but that does not mean I need to end my life.

I was not always insecure. When I met my husband a decade ago, we were both overweight. He never cared about my weight as long as I was happy. A year before we married, I had an idea where we lose weight before our wedding date. He took his fitness seriously and lost 40 pounds that year, while I was not disciplined and did not lose any.

Our wedding photo looks like Ryan Reynolds is marrying Princess Fiona from Shrek. This made me insecure about my weight. It did not help that my mom and Maria kept on telling me that I needed to lose weight, or else he would leave me for someone more beautiful. The question in my mind was not if he would leave me, but when. He knows my struggles and has always been supportive and loving towards me.

I went to meet him in the morning, and I have never seen him so broken. I started apologizing and crying and he was trying to calm me down for almost an hour. I told him I trusted him completely and apologized that I did not see it sooner. He just looked stone-faced. He said he knew I would trust him eventually, but he is worried about Maria. He kept checking his social media because he was scared she might post about it. He said he could not imagine what his parents, friends, and coworkers would think if they saw the accusations. He told me that we need to talk to Maria to not spread such lies.

I told him in detail what Maria told me, and he told me what happened that night. He said that I fell asleep on his lap around 1.30 am. He woke me up and took me to the bedroom. He came out to say goodbye to everyone, but the party was already dying. My husband was not drunk (he generally never drinks more than 1-2 drinks ever), but Maria and her friends were very drunk.

Maria wanted to take some final pictures and went to everyone and made silly poses. That was the photo she sent to my husband. She asked my husband if he could come with her to the bedroom to get some blankets and pillows for others. My husband told her he needed to check on me, and the other male coworker volunteered to go with her and get stuff. My husband then came to the room and slept. He woke up 2 hours later and went to the restroom. He confirmed that he heard the moaning noises, but they had stopped when he came out of the restroom.

We decided to talk to Maria and I invited her to our house on Saturday evening. She was shocked to see my husband with me in the house. My husband told her that she knew what she was saying was wrong and he still had the messages where she thanked him the next day. Maria got defensive and started telling me that she blacked out that night, but later slowly started to put together what happened that night since she was naked when she woke up.

She asked me why she would sleep naked without locking the room door when her coworkers were in the next room. She said that she remembers my husband coming to her room and having sleeping with her, while she was extremely drunk. My husband told Maria that none of this happened, and she kept on insisting that she clearly remembered him naked and being intimate with her.

He told her, if that was true, tell me how big his p#nis was. She was taken aback and shouted to him, just because it was huge does not mean I enjoyed the sex, and that she was extremely drunk. I asked Maria if she was sure and she said she would never forget it.

The thing is my husband is noticeably smaller than average in that area. I am not complaining as he always gets the job done, but I knew Maria was full of sh#t. A screaming match began between Maria and me and I told her she was full of sh$t and to get out of my house. I told her that if she accused my husband, I would stand by him and tell everyone I was in the next room, and none of this happened. Maria was crying at this moment and told me to enjoy my life with a criminal.

I hugged my husband, but he still looked void of any emotions. He told me not to freak out but he had planned to visit his parents' house to reset his head before I talked to him. I wanted to be with him, but he insisted he wanted to be alone for a week and will be back on Saturday. He also called my mom to come to our house, so I am not alone. We told her what happened, and she was very angry at me. I have been talking to him all week on phone, and he plans to return tomorrow. I feel lucky and undeserving of such a good husband and cannot believe I was so close to losing him. I have not heard from Maria, but at this point, our friendship is over.

Again thanks to everyone who sent well-meaning messages to me all through the week. I truly appreciate it. I have signed up for therapy this week and hopefully will be able to be a better wife to my husband forever.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Twilight_Aristocrat said:

Dude's small pp literally saved his marriage lol

Cursd818 said:

Marriage counselling. Individual counselling for you. It's the only hope you have of saving your marriage. You utterly betrayed your husband. In his shoes, I would be preparing to get as far away from you as possible. You endangered him repeatedly. He's not safe with you, and now, he knows it.

Odd_Welcome7940 said:

The real problem here isn't even anything you acknowledged. You let another woman hit on your man over and over. Then told him to be nicer. You took him for granted. Put him in terrible situations. Then treated him as if he was a liar for a situation he repeatedly warned you about. You truly don't deserve this man. You clearly don't live him more than yourself. You have no business being married if you are going to continually abuse him and let others do the same.

This story was obvious even from your first post. When your partner says so and so is hitting on me and I am uncomfortable, then you see it yourself. You protect your partner. That is common God damn sense. Please go get therapy. Lots of it. You need it and your husband deserves for someone else to be forced to take on some of your crazy.

RugbyLock said:

I’m not usually this guy, but damn do I hope he divorces you and moves onto someone who actually loves him. Glad you’re going to look into help, but too little, way too late.

Scary_Mix_8825 said:

Please find a therapist to help you with your self-esteem and trust issues. I'm glad you worked things out with your husband. Now give yourself some love a spa day with actual friends, go shopping, get a massage, preferably all three along with a his therapist. Forget Maria. Everyone will eventually see her true colors. She will become as ugly on the outside a she is on the inside.

myychair said:

Honestly you are undeserving of such a dude after putting him through this. I understand why you feel the way you feel and Maria is the real bad guy here but you can’t make your insecurities somebody else’s problem. the full resolution to this ends with you in therapy so you don’t pull something like this again and lose your husband for good

While the opinions were fairly divided for this one throughout, most people were NOT on OP's side for this one by the end. What's your advice for this couple and their "friend?"

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