"AITA for calling my father's wife a creep?"
My (32F) father (60s) has been married to "Sasha" (fake name, 40s) for almost a decade. I was already an adult when they started seeing each other, so I never had much of a relationship with her. That said, Sasha was nice and thoughtful (though a bit annoying at times), and I never had any problems with her.
I now have a husband (34M) and two kids (9M and 4F). Sasha is very fond of my children, especially my daughter. That became very suffocating pretty quickly, so we started setting some boundaries. She never overstepped them.
In January, my father and Sasha decided to go on a trip to Disney World, and invited us to join them. We decided to go to celebrate our son's 9th birthday.
I quickly regretted coming along. Sasha spent the entire trip fussing over my daughter in ways that overstepped almost every boundary we'd set. Examples include:
Sasha bought a Minnie ears tiara. She wanted me to buy my daughter an identical one so they could "match." My daughter didn't like the tiara, so I bought her a Donald Duck hat instead. Sasha got her the tiara anyway, and was upset that she didn't want to wear it.
My father and Sasha went shopping in between parks. I told them not to buy my kids anything, as we still had shopping to do and didn't want to risk making our bags too heavy. Still, Sasha returned with 5 bags of clothing for my daughter (and 2 for my son), saying she "couldn't resist it."
My daughter wanted a Belle costume to wear at the parks, as that's her favorite princess. Sasha tried to convince us to get her an Ariel costume instead, because that's her favorite. I explained that we never watched The Little Mermaid at home because my daughter is scared of Ursula.
Sasha insisted on taking dozens of pictures with my daughter in front of the castle at Magic Kingdom. She also took some with my son, but not nearly as many.
She tried to convince us to take our daughter to Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique. We refused because the prices are crazy and we'd already bought her the Belle costume. She offered to pay, but we held our ground. I later found out Sasha tried to make a reservation anyway, but there was no availability.
When we took our daughter to Slinky Dog Dash (her first roller coaster), Sasha tried to sit next to her. My daughter wanted to sit with me, so we switched. She tried to do the same thing in other attractions.
At the Muppets theater, she tried to get my daughter to sit in her lap. Sasha also tried to pick her up while we met some of the characters.
There were more instances. The final straw for me, however, was the last park day of the trip. We were at Magic Kingdom. My husband suffered a minor injury and I had to take him to the first aid station. The kids wanted to go to the Peter Pan ride, so my dad and Sasha offered to take them in the meantime.
However, according to my father, the line was too long. So instead, Sasha suggested the Little Mermaid ride, assuring my kids Ursula wasn't on it. Actually, there's a pretty big Ursula animatronic there. My daughter was still sobbing and hugging her brother when we reunited.
When we flew back home, I told my father that we'd no longer take our children on trips with Sasha due to her behavior. He got extremely angry. He said his wife loved my kids, thought about what they'd like to do at every moment of the trip, and that we should be grateful to have her in our lives.
I lost my temper at that. I told him Sasha was a "fing creep", and that they should be grateful I was still okay with them even seeing my children after her actions during the trip. We ended up having a huge fight after that.
It's been weeks since we returned home, and my father is still angry at me and my husband. Sasha has texted me a few times. She says she's sorry if she "made me uncomfortable", but that she loves my kids and hoped to use the trip to spend more time with them.
To be honest, I don't think I'm the AH here. But I do think I might have overreacted. I believe there's a chance Sasha's actions were motivated by love and she truly did have good intentions. AITA?
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
pickusern writes:
You’re NTA because you have your children’s best interests at heart. But it may benefit you and your dad’s relationship to understand why Sasha is like she is. Overstepping boundaries is easier for someone when they believe it’s for a good cause or to have fun in a “safe” way. Does she have kids of her own?
Can she not have kids of her own? Does she maybe see the kids as her grandkids? It’s a difficult one but getting to the source of that could make the whole thing healthier.
But on the other hand it’s not your job to put that work in when it’s your father’s relationship. All I’d suggest you do is explain to your father you set boundaries and regardless of intention, Sasha broke them which you do not condone. Good luck!
signa writes:
NTA you set some pretty clear boundaries that Sasha kept crossing the entire trip. Even your daughter seems to not be particularly receptive towards her. Also your son can probably pick up on this favoritism, and that’s not good for him either.
I don’t mean to do armchair psychology, but this reads like Sasha has always wanted a young daughter and is using your’s to live vicariously through. Hence why she kept trying to push things that your daughter doesn’t like onto her (Tiara, Little Mermaid ride, etc.)
awffff writes:
NTA, she sounds exhausting. But...BUT... she also doesn't seem like a truly awful person. "....so, we started setting some boundaries. She never overstepped them."She probably sees your kids as a chance to play 'Mommy' if she's never had kids. She may not even be aware of exactly how intrusive she's being.
Looks like there's a 20 year age gap between she and your dad... she probably thought she'd be okay with not having kids (I'm guessing your dad may have told her he's done having babies).
But your little ones...especially your daughter... may have just stirred up those feelings and she's trying to compensate. I still don't think you're TA. But maybe have an honest talk with her...just you and her... and try and show a little grace.
And now, OP's 1st update:
I read your comments and came to the following conclusion: as much as Sasha's behavior towards my children angered me and freaked me out, calling her a "creep" was the wrong reaction to have.
That said, I think it's best for my family to distance itself from Sasha for the time being. And at the very least, my previous decision to avoid future trips with her based on the Disney trip is still the best course of action.
Sasha's pushiness, tendency to override my and my husband's parenting and blatant favoritism towards my daughter were much worse when the kids were younger.
After my daughter's birth, she began to focus too much attention on her and almost none on my son. I gave more examples of that in the comments on my original post. That's the reason we set boundaries in the first place.
The way she fusses over my daughter also bothers me. When we had the boundary conversation with my father and Sasha, she told us that she'd always wondered what having a daughter would be like.
She'd also defined herself as childfree before, so I was never certain what to think of that. Either way, that reassured me and my husband that we were doing the best for our kids.
Those boundaries had never overstepped. Then we went on the Disney trip, and most of them were completely ignored. Many of you pointed out that she might have gotten carried away, or that "Disney is exciting and she wanted to make sure my kids had the best experience", etc. There are two things I'll say to that:
The first is that whatever Sasha's reasons were, she still overstepped our boundaries. When we first set those, we told her that doing so would have consequences. Disney or not, I don't see a reason to make an exception.
Secondly, she wasn't trying to ensure my kids had the best experience. She was pushing them to fulfill her fantasy of what their Disney trip should look like. She repeatedly ignored my children's wishes in favor of her own, despite them both being very clear about what they wanted and didn't want.
Sasha also continually favored my daughter (including during my son's birthday) and fussed over her in ways that made her uncomfortable. And I still haven't forgiven the Little Mermaid thing. My daughter is a bit shy and takes a while to open up to most people, so knowing her trust was broken like that angers me in ways I can't describe.
To put it in simpler terms, my children aren't props. And whoever treats them as such will, at the very least, be put in time out.
I called my father and Sasha on Saturday. I apologized for calling Sasha a creep, but told them that we needed some time apart. They won't see my family until my younger sister's birthday in late April.
If that goes well, they'll be invited to my daughter's 5th birthday party in May. After that, we'll slowly work on reestablishing contact. I also said that if they overstepped our boundaries again, the consequences would be more dire.
My father didn't take it well. I don't care. Sasha sent me a text with more apologies, followed by a request to "at least" FaceTime my kids every now and then. I said no.
And to those who said my "controlling behavior" ruined the trip: my kids had an amazing time at Disney World. They're both still talking about it. My daughter keeps asking us to put her pictures with the characters she met up on the wall, and my son says he had the best birthday ever.
Update 2 (2 months later):
Last time I posted here, I mentioned that my father and Sasha wouldn't see my children until my younger sister's birthday. The party took place last weekend, and we didn't attend.
These two months of NC worked fine, but not great. My father respected my wishes, to my surprise, but Sasha kept trying to find ways to talk to my children. She'd call me under the guise of needing to ask me something, only to later say, "by the way, are the kids around? I want to say hi!"
Every time she tried that, I'd remind her of what I'd told her back in March. This must have happened almost a dozen times, which was enough for my husband and I to start debating on skipping the party.
After speaking to our kids, we decided not to go. They both said they missed my father, but clearly didn't want to see Sasha. We thought about attending and just distancing them from her while there, but risking making our children uncomfortable wasn't worth it. My son even asked if we could see their aunt somewhere else, without Sasha around.
My husband and I explained the situation to my sister. She was upset, but mostly because she hadn't seen the kids in a while. We all went to dinner at her favorite restaurant the day after her party.
I also called my father and told him we wouldn't go to the birthday party. He reacted better than I expected, but we still had a short fight about it. He claimed that I had promised we'd let Sasha see the kids after two months, called me unfair and said he was "entitled" to have a relationship with his grandchildren (I immediately denied that).
Though I tried to sugarcoat it at first, I eventually gave him the truth: my kids don't want to see his wife, and I won't force them to.
My father and I had a long talk. I told him how much Sasha's actions at the Disney trip upset my children, as well as how uncomfortable me and my husband felt. I admitted I don't trust his wife at all, and I don't think I ever truly will.
He said that while he still thought I was overreacting, he understood I wanted to protect my kids. My dad also told me about how these two months of NC were for them.
Apparently, Sasha started talking about my kids (mostly my daughter) a lot more than usual. She'd mention things and places she thought they would like. My father was aware of one of the times she called me, but thought it was a one-time thing. She wanted to give my daughter a gift at my sister's birthday party (he said he didn't know why).
At one point, she told him she wanted to plan another family vacation with the kids, even though I told them they're not traveling with Sasha anymore. Learning all of that just made me more certain that I can't trust this woman around my children.
For now, I intend to remain LC with my father and NC with Sasha. My daughter told me she wanted her grandpa at her birthday party a few weeks from now, so I told him that he was invited, but Sasha wasn't. He agreed.
To be honest, I don't trust my father after all of this. I'm allowing him to come because that party will take place at my home, which is easier for me to control. If he tries to bring Sasha, they'll both be kicked out, and it will take a long time for me to consider letting him near my kids again.
My father hasn't told me how his wife is reacting to this. My sister told me that during her party, Sasha asked her to tell me she wanted to talk. I'm not reaching out to her, nor do I plan to respond if she attempts to contact me. Both me and my husband have blocked her.
My children are doing great. They still talk about how much fun they had at Disney. My daughter's been "saving money" (putting coins in her piggy bank) for us to go back.
On a completely different note, I'm pregnant again! This was completely unplanned (I always said I wanted two kids at most, and the third would have to be a HUGE accident), but my husband and I are ecstatic. I'm still in the first trimester, so not a lot of people know. We're brainstorming ways to tell our kids.
Overall, I'm happy with my life right now. And as much as I wish this Sasha situation had never happened, I feel like a better parent after dealing with it. I have never been more confident in my abilities to protect my children than I am now.
Update 3:
First of all, I'm not concerned about avoiding too many events. My paternal family is smaller than my maternal side, and there aren't many get-togethers in the first place. The only reason my dad even went to my sister's birthday party was because she wanted to introduce her boyfriend to him. My father has also seen my children without Sasha countless times before, so that's not a concern either.
I don't dislike Sasha. Even if I did, I've always been very careful not to let my opinions on others affect my children, specifically because I aim to teach them to be polite.
But my kids are allowed to express themselves. If they don't like person X, they don't have to be around person X. It doesn't matter how much person X wants to see them, I'm not teaching them to sacrifice their comfort for someone who doesn't actually care about them.
And no, Sasha doesn't actually care about my children, nor has she tried to build a relationship with them. Instead, she tries to push them (specially my daughter) to do what she wants to see them doing. Almost none of her actions during the Disney trip were for my daughter's benefit, they were for hers.
Sasha is not my children's grandmother. They don't see her as such, she doesn't want to be seen as such (she calls herself "aunt"). Her actions weren't "doting", nor did they have anything to do with her not being able to formulate relationships with children.
She doesn't care about my daughter's happiness, she just treats her like a doll. My son, meanwhile, is cast aside. If someone overwhelms one of my children and ignores the other (on his birthday), they don't need to be around my kids.
To answer the other part of your question: I have spoken with Sasha. It was the whole point of the boundary conversation. I communicated what was wrong, and what she could do to improve.
Whenever I try to set boundaries, Sasha disrespects them. She does not listen to me. It's not my job to teach her how to build a relationship with my kids anymore than I already have.
That's the point of this NC policy. Sasha doesn't listen to me or my children. If my kids didn't mind, I'd consider other ways of approaching this. But they do mind, and I refuse to force them to be around someone who disrespects them.
And the fact that she refuses to listen to my children and insists on pushing her fantasies onto my daughter is enough for me to go NC.
I have no intention of updating anytime soon, nor am I looking for any more advice. Thank you for your concern.