'AITA for telling my mom I don’t want her to have more kids?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my mom I don’t want her to have more kids?"
This is a relatively recent event that is still ongoing, but began a few days ago. I (20F) was sitting and talking with my mom(38F) the other day. We were planning for my brother’s (12M) birthday and she seemed like she wanted to say something, but wasn’t letting it out.
I pushed her enough on it and she finally caved. She told me that she was thinking about getting her tubes untied. After she had my brother, she got a procedure done that tied her reproductive tubes to prevent pregnancy because she didn’t want anymore kids.
However, since then she’s gotten remarried and my step dad doesn’t have any kids of his own, so she told me that she was saving money to reverse the procedure.
I told her that was a stupid idea. Of course that ensued an argument, but can you blame me? I love my mom and she’s a beautiful woman, but she’s not exactly in the healthiest physical form to have a kid, and on top of that she will be 39 this year and 40 next year.
I’m going to be 21 this year, I don’t want another baby sibling. I know she’ll ask me to babysit because of the kind of schedule her and my step dad have, and I’m not doing it. So I told her it was a stupid idea.
Now I’m getting messages from my relatives asking me if my mom is having another kid and all I can say is, I really hope not. I understand my step dad wanting kids of his own, but really? I don’t think I’m the ahole for having this opinion.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Illuminate90 said:
Ehhh 50/50. You outlined some good reasons for her not to have one but ultimately you have no say so throwing a fit over it isn’t the way to go about it. That all being said.. Make it crystal clear it will be a 100% no to babysitting before she gets the procedure. Tell her you know their schedules and that will not be a reason you will accept.
Also that you mean it and if it’s mentioned you will hang up the phone and if the kid gets left with you, you will call the cops to inform them the child was abandoned. You are under no circumstances their free babysitter. This is the NTA part.
RNGinx3 said:
NTA, if you drop it. You gave your opinion, but ultimately it is her choice. However, if she does inevitably call on you for babysitting, remind her 1) you told her it was a stupid idea and 2) she wanted the baby, she can take care of it. 3) If she can't take care of it, she shouldn't have had another one.
4) If you wanted to take care of a baby, you'd have your own. Then if she keeps asking, just keep saying no. I really hope you don't still live at home and can leave if she keeps pestering you.
qtcyclone said:
NTA….but…39/40 is not too old to have a kid. On the other hand, 18 is very young to have a kid. You can tell her no babysitting. If she’s choosing to have another kid, she should be able to take care of it with her own care, her partners care, and to pay for babysitting/childcare.
Notdoingitanymore said:
YTA. Can you disagree with her? Absolutely. It’s not your call. You are not responsible for said sibling. If she didn’t have her tubes tied and it was a happy accident or intentional. It’s her body, her life. Isn’t fair. That’s not for me or anyone else today.
InfamousCup7097 said:
It's not your choice. People have kids in their 40s, so also not great to judge off of that. You can set boundaries and tell them you will under no circumstances babysit, but you can't dictate how your mom lives.
puresoftlight said:
She wasn't asking for your opinion. It's not unusual for women in their late 30s to try for another baby, especially in a situation like your mom's. If you don't want to babysit, don't. YTA.
UPDATE:
Let me start this post off by saying oh my god. The amount of people in part one who think that their words genuinely matter are concerning- most of their arguments were “it’s not your business” “you’re just jealous” “she didn’t ask” before I tell you the ACTUAL update, let me clarify some stuff.
The “it’s not your business” and “she didn’t ask” comments are so irrelevant and uneducated. I didn’t put this in the post because, at the time, I didn’t think it was significant but after I asked my mom if there was something she wanted to talk about, she said “what would you think if I were to have another kid?” at first I thought she was joking.
Then she told me she wanted to have at least one more kid so that she can give my step dad one of his own, and I brought up that the procedure she needs to have done costs a lot of money and that she doesn’t even have time for her own kids (no she didn’t take offense to that, she laughed.) and I told her that having another kid was a stupid idea.
Knowing me as a person, you would not expect me to take the gentle approach. Everyone in my life knows that I’m going to say how I feel, so when someone asks me for advice or tells me something like that, I’m not going to sugarcoat it or tiptoe around the subject. We’re going right in to it.
No, I don’t want to babysit the kid. I don’t live with my mom full time because I’m in college and I live in a dorm, so I go home on weekends and holidays. I know my mom better than all of you on Reddit and I can just SEE her sticking me with watching the kid when I get off work on the weekends. But that’s IF she can even have a kid.
She has high blood pressure, is overweight, and she’s at risk for diabetes. When my mom had me and my brother, we were both c-section babies, not because we were too big, but because her body doesn’t go into labor. The doctors had to manually put everything in motion for her to even be prepped to have a kid. I know that 40 isn’t old. I never said it was old.
But being 35+ years old puts you at more of a risk when having the kid, and Im not saying that she would just die on the spot if she were to have another kid, but I’d rather her not risk it, because once again she’s MY mom and I want her to live a long and happy life and not have to waste her money on something that has a low chance of even happening.
Which brings us to the actual update. I called my mom this morning and asked if I could talk to her. She agreed and I came over. I didn’t even get a word in about the subject before she started telling me that she wasn’t going through with the procedure.
She said that the cost to have something like that done wasn’t within her immediate budget and would take a couple of years to save that kind of money and it wasn’t worth it. She also said that I was right about not having time for a new baby and that she spent the past couple of days thinking it over, and concluded that a new baby would be more of an inconvenience than a blessing.
I also apologized for shutting her down so quickly, but she said that I didn’t need to because it just means I was being honest with her about my feelings. So in the end, did the insults REALLY matter?
After the update here's what people thought:
I’m glad your mom changed her mind and you don’t live at home, I was concerned you would get roped into being the parent since it honestly sounded like your mom wouldn’t have time to take care of a newborn.
No one on the internet knows your relationship with your mom and to be honest, you left out a lot of key information in your OP that I had to dig for in the comments.
I think a lot of the hostility you received came from a lack of information but that’s just how it goes sometimes. You’re not an AH for giving your opinion when your mother explicitly asked for it and you’re not an AH for worrying about your mother’s health since she has a history of difficult birth and has diabetes.
Don’t worry about it, you’re ok with your mom and us internet strangers really don’t matter. I would just have this thread locked, there’s nothing to be gained here.
my_confession_s OP responded:
That means a lot, and I get that.
Which is why I added the info on this one because there were a lot of misunderstandings. And I’m just giving the energy I’m given, but honestly the hate doesn’t even matter because my mom isn’t upset with me.
The only people upset with me about the situation are a bunch of people on online. And that’s not so bad because it’s not like I’m ever going to meet them in person, and I’m not reading half of the comments. Just letting them blow off whatever steam they have