Woman tells best friend; 'You should call off your wedding, the secret you're keeping is INSANE.' AITA? UPDATED

When this woman is worried about her friend, she asks the internet:

"AITA for telling my best friend she should call off her wedding?"

I (27F) have a best friend, Daisy (27F), who is getting married in about a month and a half to Max (29M). They’ve been together for 3 years and are really perfect together. I was super supportive of their wedding until recently.

About a week ago, Daisy had her bachelorette party. She didn’t wanna do anything crazy, so just the closest girlfriends went to a small vineyard for a nice dinner, and it was during this dinner that she dropped the bomb.

She made a big show of pouring everyone a glass of the house red except for herself, and took a huge sip of her water. She was smiling at all of us as if we were already in on the joke, but we weren’t. But then, slowly, realization dawned and she confirmed: she was pregnant. 2 months pregnant, to be exact.

We were all happy for her, congratulating her, hugging, etc. Then someone made one of those jokes about them having to get married just cause she’s pregnant and she got all mischievous again. She then revealed that Max doesn’t know and that it was going to be a surprise. The reaction to this was mostly positive which dumbfounded me.

Max and Daisy have always wanted kids. I even know they explicitly talked about it before deciding to get married, which is definitely the right thing to do. However, just because two people want kids, doesn’t mean one person can just make the decision of when is the right time, and that’s exactly what I feel like Daisy is doing.

I don’t think you should marry someone when you’re keeping something that massive secret. I have no idea how she managed to keep it secret for 2 month anyways, but according to her they’ve been so busy with the wedding planning it was easy to hide, and anything weird happening, like her vomiting, she just attributed to stress.

I talked to Daisy the day after the party. I told her what I thought, and that I was just trying to look out for her and that if it was the other way around I would want her to do the same for me.

She got really quiet while I was talking and afterwards told me that she didn’t appreciate me ‘butting in’ on their marriage and that it was her decision.

I pointed out that it shouldn’t be just ‘her decision’ that she was majorly affecting Max's life too without even including him in the conversation and that she shouldn't go through with the wedding if she was insistent on keeping him in the dark.

This pissed her off and she told me to leave and not contact her. Since then I’ve gotten some messages from our friends who were at the party, so I guess she told them.

A couple of them agree with me, but most of them are on her side and are calling me an asshole for ‘ruining what’s supposed to be the most exciting time’ in Daisy’s life, and 'what gives me the right', etc. I don’t regret speaking up, but I'm worried that I might’ve ruined our friendship and am not even sure I’ll still be allowed to come to the wedding. Did I maybe overstep? AITA?

Let's see what readers had to say:

techslid writes:

YTA. First of all, she decides what she does with her body. And she made that decision. Respect it.

If Max suddenly randomly now doesn't want kids with his bride, which you have to know is unrealistic at best, and is upset she is keeping the baby after he couldn't keep his seed outside of her, then HE can choose what he does with his relationship to her and the baby.

But you know damn well he's going to be elated his bride is already starting to give them the children they wanted. You sound like a terminally online virtue signaler in your spare time. Chill.

sagah009 writes:

NTA. you are valid. This is pretty crazy IMO so i think you're right to say something.

poly7 writes:

I don't really understand what you are saying. The pregnancy happened, and you think she should call off the wedding, that makes no sense unless you are implying that she deliberately got pregnant without him knowing or you think he would want her to abort the baby?

The baby is coming now whether this is convenient or not and they want to get married, it is not like it will be a secret for ever. Why do you feel that this is any of your business? YTA keep out of other people's business

agah writes:

YTA. You don't know the discussions they've had. He may have already said that he wants kids ASAP, and she's got a whole plan for how she wants to surprise him and announce it. Possibly even in the wedding speech.

I totally get thinking he should have been told before all her friends. It's probably not how I would handle it, but it's not my news to share, it's hers.

You don't get to decide you know best and suggest CALLING OFF THE WEDDING, because you think something isn't how you want it. I was expecting to hear about abuse, belittling behavior, complete disregard for the others' life plans. NOT, they want kids, she's pregnant and planning to surprise him. Again, YTA.

Apologize for overthinking and pushing your thoughts on to her relationship. Then, say you can't wait to meet the new addition, and let you know if she needs anything. As you get older, you will figure out even your bff's dont always tell you all sides of their relationships. Couples will surprise you on which ones are happiest and which dont make it

Update:

Hi everyone. Everything exploded after I made this post so I thought I would update. A few days after Daisy cut me off she showed up on my doorstep, bag in hand, completely distraught.

She came inside, and some hugging and crying, calmed down enough to tell me that Max had found out, they'd gotten in a massive argument, and Max went to his brother's for the night.

Apparently, one of Daisy's friends who was at the party, Georgia (24F), told her boyfriend Greg (27M), one of Max's groomsmen who then called Max and told him everything - how Daisy had hidden the pregnancy, she'd told everyone else at the party,and how she was going to surprise him AFTER the wedding.

Max was pissed at her, saying they weren't in a financially good place since they'd just spent a lot of money on the wedding and the honeymoon, he couldn't believe she didn't tell him but she told everyone else. He felt betrayed and said he 'didn't even recognise' her. Daisy was a mess, even saying she should've listened to me.

She stayed at my place over the next few days while Max got his space. During that time she had about a dozen missed calls and texts from friends and family; guess word spread fast. She mostly slept and tried to distract herself. After about a week Max called her saying he wanted to talk, so she went back to their place.

Long story short, Max called off the wedding for now. Apparently he said he wasn't comfortable enough in the relationship to get married as planned because it was a massive breach of trust, and that he'd rather postpone and work things out. As of now whether they'll get married in the future is up in the air.

They're still together and are having conversations about the pregnancy and having children. Daisy hasn't told me much more than that; she sort of dropped off the face of the Earth for most of us since this happened. I think she's focusing on Max.

Our friendship is fine, but definitely not the same. I still wish Daisy the best after everything, and for those of you interested, I still stand by my decision.

After reading everyone's comments and thinking a lot about what happened, I don't regret communicating to her how I felt. Maybe telling her to call it all off was a bit much, I can admit that, but I'm still glad I said something. Also, to everyone saying I want to sleep with Max: I'm a lesbian, but that was a cute hypothesis.