'AITA for not inviting my friend Nancy to my courthouse wedding?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for not inviting my friend Nancy to my courthouse wedding?"

Nancy (27f) and I (27f) have been friends for 8 years now. Adam (27m) and I have been friends for 10 years, and he's my best friend.

My husband Mark (26m) and I got married a few days ago. We decided to only have 2 witnesses and an officiant there, the legal requirements, to minimize stress. Our 2 witnesses were Adam, who's my best-friend / man-of-honor, and Mark's best-friend / best-man John.

We did not invite our parents, our siblings, or any other friends outside of those that I mentioned. I have very toxic parents and really didn't want them there for my courthouse wedding, they bring a negative energy with them everywhere.

As to not offend my parents, Mark decided to also not invite his parents and keep it a stress free intimate day with our best friends.

A day after we got married, Nancy messaged me a long paragraph about how I excluded her and she felt hurt. She said that if I invited Adam, I should've invited her because we're a "trio". She claimed I hid the ceremony from her purposefully.

Here's the thing, I told her this was our plan MONTHS in advance. I've talked about it with her in front of Adam, which he confirmed is true, and again at my bday dinner while my brother and his fiancé were also there.

I told her that she must have forgotten, to which she responded by saying it was my responsibility as a "good friend" to remind her.

The date was very easy to remember because it falls on the same exact month and day as our wedding next year, so I didn't feel the need to remind her since I had spoken about it with her multiple times.

Her response to that was I reminded Adam and invited him, she should've had the same thing out of courtesy and that I violated our friendship dynamic. I told her that not even our parents or siblings were invited and apologized that I made her feel bad, but she continued to victimize herself and call me inconsiderate.

She then said she needed time to reconsidering her involvement in my wedding next year. That message really hurt me because I feel like I didn't do anything to deserve that response. I then took back my apology and told her it's not my responsibility to prioritize her feelings on a day that is not about her.

I told her that a "good friend" would just be happy for me and wouldn't be attaching guilt to one of the most amazing days of my life.

I also told her that she cannot compare herself to Adam, who's basically like a brother to me, and that Adam is my man of honor and will continue to play a more involved role in the planning and execution of my wedding next year, and that she's just going to have to accept that. AITA here??

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

gagahy writes:

NTA. You explicitly invited only 1 persons each to have the min witness requirements. She's allowed to be sad that she didn't get invited, but her feelings aren't your responsibility and her feeling hurt doesn't mean you did anything wrong.

You can do what is right for you and not be wrong, and she can also have her own feelings about it. Her making you feel like crap for her feelings and blaming you and saying what you did was wrong, however, isn't ok.

scuba5 writes:

NTA.And not that it matters much because I’m a rando stranger on the internet, but I’m really proud of you. You stood up for yourself firmly but politely. That’s a fantastic skill to have. Congratulations on your nuptials!

toxique0 writes:

It’s so difficult to get out of a toxic friendship, especially ones where you’ve spent years of your life with this person. You normalize the behavior without thinking. Then, the person escalates, or you spend time away from them and instead with others, and you start realize that the way they behave isn’t normal.

And it’s so hard to realize that. Kudos to OOP for putting herself over this a-hole of an ex-friend. If you couldn’t tell, I’ve been dealing with the same thing.

Looking back on my own friendship with a toxic person, I realize a lot of the things she did that were done just to hurt me or to make me feel lesser. I’m so proud of OOP. Good for her for not letting step all over her. Hope that she has a lovely life!

And now, OP's update:

Brief summary, my friend "Nancy" got mad that I had a courthouse wedding and she wasn't invited, despite us only inviting our 2 witnesses and officiant, and also that I didn't remind her so she could "share in my joy".

She threatened to end the friendship and said I purposefully excluded her. Since my first post I tried to have a conversation with "Nancy" about how it made me feel that she turned my marriage into something about her instead of being supportive, but she gaslit me...

and I ended up apologizing for making her feel excluded even though she is meant to be a bridesmaid in my actual wedding later this year and literally no one but my 2 witnesses were invited to my courthouse wedding.

As a commenter predicted, it was a behavior that would repeat itself during my wedding planning process. I decided to include her in one of my dress-fitting appointments. I made the appointment 3 weeks in advance and she confirmed she'd be able to make it.

4 days before my appointment she texts me saying she also made a wedding dress appointment on the same day as mine!!

She's engaged but doesn't have a wedding date yet, so I found this suspicious. I told her it made me uncomfortable and that we should both be able to have our own days, but she insisted she couldn't cancel because everyone she invited already confirmed and that it didn't bother HER.

When I called her out on how she's so far made every step of my marriage and wedding planning about her, and she's not once been truly present for me, she made herself a victim and said I spit vitriol at her for saying she's attempting to make things about her and I was being a fake friend.

So I cut her out of my bridal party entirely and told her to have a nice life. I'm going no contact. She since then sent me paragraphs about how I'm a terrible person. I didn't read it all, deleted it, and don't intend on responding.

Thank you to the commenters on my original post for helping me see she was a shitty friend. And a special thank you to the person who called out the fact that this would be a repeated behavior. You were right.

Update 2:

Yeah I was very understanding of her feelings of exclusion. My best friend is also a friend of hers, and he was one of the two witnesses at the courthouse, so she took at as an insult that he was there but she wasn't.

I told her I understand she wanted to be there, but I am entitled to make the arrangement for my legal marriage however me and my husband felt comfortable. She could feel left out, but she CAN'T feel entitled, because it's not about her.

She didn't like being told that it wasn't about her and said I was selfish for saying that...we didn't talk for a month after the first argument. We met up for coffee and she kept talking about her mental health and how she was coming from a place of loneliness and blah blah blah.

And that I made her feel worst by telling her she wasn't entitled to be there. So I ended up apologizing and telling her I'd try to make her feel more included moving forward...well, that lead to her scheduling a dress shopping appointment for herself on the same day as mine.

I told her my wedding colors, and she made them her wedding colors. I told her what the bridesmaids were wearing, she chose the same style. Every step felt like a competition. Btw, she doesn't even have a wedding date, so there's absolutely no rush or time crunch to justify her making appointments on the days where I made mine.

Took time for me to see it for what it was. And I don't think I'll be allowing her back in my life. The wedding thing is just one of the many times she's made herself centerfold.