'AITA for telling my boyfriend that he can't move in with me?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for telling my boyfriend that he can't move in with me?"

I (30F) have been dating my boyfriend (32M) for about five months. I own my home as I purchased it this February, and it is my second home. I made a good amount on my first home and put most of that money towards this house. I have a promising career, producing about 80K, and my mortgage is $1,500.

My boyfriend rents a room from his friend who owns a townhouse. His friend travels a lot for work and is hardly ever home. Maybe one week out of the month or so. My boyfriend pays $800 a month, which includes utilities. It's a nice place, and my boyfriend also makes good money, probably around 60-70k.

So recently, his friend considered selling his townhouse and moving in with his girlfriend. He told my boyfriend this, who came over one night, sprung all of it on me, and told me he should move in with me.

I was shocked as we have only been dating for five months, and I don't think that is long enough time for me to think about letting him move in.

I tried talking about it with him and told him I needed time to think it over. He was visibly annoyed but let it go. Yesterday, he texted me that his friend plans to list his townhouse in October, and my boyfriend must be out by the end of October.

My boyfriend doesn't have a lease or anything, but he texted me and said he needs to move in with me short term as that's not enough time to find an apartment.

I texted him back and said we could talk that night. When he came over last night, he was ranting/begging me to let him move in. He didn't make enough money to get an apartment, and it would be less stressful for him to move in with me.

If he could help pay half, it would be good for me too. I shut down that idea and told him we had not been together long enough for me to want to take that step. He got upset and called me heartless, and then left.

He texted me today and apologized but still asked that I think about it for a few more days. I told my friend and coworker today about everything, and he said that I'm an a%$hole for not letting him move in.

I was shocked, but my coworker kept saying that people can't afford to live alone in this economy and that five months is long enough to move in together. I didn't say anything but just remained quiet. So, AITA for telling my boyfriend he can't move in with me?

Here are some of the top comments from the post.

OGMikeGyver says:

NTA (Not the A#%hole). Five months is not long enough. If things go south, how do you get him out? Will he have a rental agreement? Then, you have to follow tenant law. If not, and he receives mail at your house, then it's a whole different issue.

His pushy nature and not respecting your clear boundaries are concerning, too. He can find a room for rent on Craigslist, and he's just looking for an easy way out. Hold your ground.

Schopenhauer_Down says

NTA, Don't listen to your co-workers (and don't take relationship advice from them again). You're not obligated to take in your boyfriend. And his ranting, annoyed response speaks volumes about his character - like he can't take 'no' for an answer. Also, if you let him in for the 'short term,' he won't leave.

Hippopotasaurus-Rex says:

NTA is he 32 or 12? He’s throwing a tantrum. Let him, but decide how you feel about that.

Later OP came back with two updates:

Well, today has been a stressful day, but I appreciate all the comments. I'm still reading through them all, but I wanted to give an update. First, my coworker surprised me this morning, as I came in, and he had coffee and a sandwich sitting on my desk.

He was waiting for me and said he was an idiot and that he was sorry. I've been at my job for over a year now, and this is the first time we've had a disagreement about something. He said he went home and told his girlfriend that he knew he upset me.

His girlfriend chastised him and told him he was in the wrong. They talked about it, and she told him that my boyfriend is an adult and that he needs to act like it. We talked this morning a little, but work got busy today, so we didn't talk much the rest of the day.

As for my boyfriend, he texted me this morning and asked if he could call me at lunch. I said that was fine, and then I stepped out at lunch to take his call. I started talking first and told him that he can not move in with me.

I explained that we are not at that stage yet where I feel comfortable having him move in. I told him I would help him look for an apartment, help him pack and move, and help with anything else he needed, but I was firm on it.

He was quiet for a while, and then he told me that he can't afford an apartment on his salary. This didn't make sense to me. As far as I knew, my boyfriend didn't have any outrageous debt and he has a good salary. He's an account manager, and he told me a while back that he makes less than 75k.

He also drives an older car so no car payment, and he got a scholarship to play baseball in college. So I asked him how he couldn't afford an apartment? He spent about five minutes talking about how he has other bills to pay and that eating out daily was getting expensive. (My boyfriend does not cook.

His job has a cafeteria, so he eats breakfast and lunch there and orders food every night for dinner. This was my only concern in the five months we have been dating.)

He talked for a little bit more and every time I asked him a question about it, the responses were vague. I even asked him if he has a lot of credit card debt or something, but things were just not adding up.

Finally, though, he told me that he lied. He only received a partial scholarship to play baseball, and he has an "embarrassing" amount of student loans. My boyfriend went to an expensive private college, so I can only guess how much that cost.

I was pretty shocked, but things started to click into place. He talked a little more about how he really can't afford a higher rent payment than what he is paying now. I did ask how much and if he was paying on them now, but he said sort of. He maxed out the total for federal loans, but he also has a lot of private loans.

He's paying on the private ones currently, but not the federal ones. He said everything kinda of came crashing down on him at once as the payment pause ends in Oct, and his friend wants him out of the townhouse.

I told him it was a lot to take in, but that it still wouldn't change my mind about him moving in. He said he understood, but he wanted me to come over for dinner tonight and talk more about everything and our relationship. He said he didn't want to lose me over this, but he did tell me he was hurt that I wasn't ready to take the next step. I told him we will talk later and hung up.

Now, I have a few hours before our dinner, but I am on the fence on breaking up with him. I feel like I got some of the information, but not everything. I thought about it all afternoon and realize that I need to hear him out, but also see how he plans to move forward. He is not moving in with him.

Part of the reason I felt so strongly against it is because I felt like he only wanted to move in because it would save him money, and not because he cared for our relationship. I make a comfortable salary and can pay my bills. I have student loans, but a reasonable amount and I live within my means. I have no car loans or credit card deb.

I worked hard for what I have, and I want a partner who wants to work towards a future together, and not one where they rely solely on me to pay for them without putting in the same amount of effort.

I cannot tell if my boyfriend wants to make this relationship work because he cares about us, or if he just sees an easy option for his financial problems. I will hear him out tonight and make my decision then. I have not experienced any other red flags or behavior from him, but I am much more cautious now and will listen to what and how he speaks tonight.

Then OP came back with this final update:

Not sure anyone is still looking at this, but I ended breaking up with my boyfriend. Without going into everything that was said, it basically came down to the simple fact that he did not want to move in to further our relationship.

He only wanted to move in because he wanted to save money, and he "hoped" that I would help him by letting him move in and lowering his bills and rent, so he could pay off his debts.

To be completely honest, the whole thing made me feel so gross. I started to question why he was even dating me and at that point, I knew it was over. My ex surprisingly took the breakup well. No fighting or begging me to change my mind. We went our separate ways, but neither one of us blocked the other on social media.

Yesterday, my ex posted that he was in a new relationship and that they were moving in together. I really don't want to think about anything relating to our relationship, and I ended up blocking him on everything for peace of mind.

So that's the final update. Not ready to start dating just yet, but spending time with my friends and family and hoping to enjoy the fall weather.