'AITA for telling my coworker he should teach his daughter tact?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my coworker he should teach his daughter tact?"

I (32F) work in an office with my coworker Ken (40M) who has a daughter Esme (15F). Ken and I are friendly, we've worked together for a few years now and over the last year maybe I have been trying to open the door with something romantic. I was being very obvious, but it never went anywhere, and I thought that it was because he was clueless.

A few weeks ago, Esme came with Ken's dad to bring lunch to Ken. It was sweet, she was polite to everyone in the office, including me. They visited for about half an hour before I went to take my lunch. I always come in and ask Ken if he wants to join me for lunch, and I knew his visitors were leaving soon, so I did the same as always.

He said no, which is no big deal, sometimes he says no sometimes he says yes. I asked if he was sure and he said he was, and I asked "are you sure you're sure" sort of teasingly. His daughter speaks up and said "he said he's sure" and things got a little awkward, no one said anything but Ken and his dad looked shocked.

I said I was just asking and she told me to "take a hint" and then Ken finally told her to stop. She said, quote, "it's not my fault she doesn't understand at her big age." I ended up crying, we didn't talk for a while and I steered clear. Last week I finally talked to him about it. He apologized and we talked a little more openly about stuff.

Ken hadn't dated since his divorce 11 years ago, and he didn't plan to. He said he had been "happily uninvolved" (after some clarification, he meant 100% completely celibate! Didn't think people did that nowadays!) since then and he didn't want that to change any time soon, if ever. He told me he knows I'm interested but he didn't return the feelings. We were okay, it was an adult conversation and all went well.

This is where things turned sour. I told him I understood, I apologized for pushing, and I ask him why his daughter treated me the way she did. He apologized but he said she was protective of his choices, she knew that he was not interested in anyone, and he had expressed his discomfort around my flirting to his family.

I told him that still wasn't validation for how she spoke to me, and that he needed to teach her tact as ultimately I am someone being rejected by the person I had feelings for. She should have been polite and treated me with empathy. It was like his mood changed on the spot.

He starts talking about how he prides himself on being a single father and raising a strong, intelligent daughter. I apologized immediately for offending him and said I just felt that she was brash. He ended the conversation and we hadn't spoken since.

I've noticed some people giving me the cold shoulder, finally I asked a friend what was up, and she told me that some people thought it was wrong of me to have said that to Ken.

I left it alone and figured it would blow over but I've had this nagging stomach ache since then. I think part of me is looking for reassurance, or maybe just laying it out in front of me to clear my head. I think I just need an outsiders perspective.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Chemical_World_4228 said:

YTA, he was with his father and daughter. He turned you down and you asked again. His daughter spoke up. You got embarrassed and tried to turn it around on her being rude. You couldn't take the hint, so the daughter was more direct. Telling a parent how to parent isn't endearing on your part. Leave the poor man alone.

ThrowRA_Last_Empath said:

Yes YTA. Criticizing someone’s teenage child was petty and offensive. She didn’t say anything wrong considering she already knew your advances make her dad uncomfortable and she just said exactly what she saw. You did need to get the hint already.

And honestly, you should have picked up by now or at least left the ball in his court. If you’re always asking someone to hang out, even if you break them down enough to give in now and then, if they don’t ask you in close to equal amounts, leave them alone.

BulbasaurRanch said:

YTA. You continuously made him uncomfortable with your constant flirting and his daughter finally put you in your place. You just didn’t like it. It’s not your place to try and teach him how to raise his daughter. Your inability to take the hint is your problem.

She doesn’t need to show “empathy” to the woman making her father constantly uncomfortable at work. It’s been going on a year. How could you possibly not realize after all that time that he has no interest in you?!

RevolutionaryDiet686 said:

YTA. You interrupted him while he had company. It wasn't cute when you asked a second time. His daughter does not have to treat you politely or with empathy when you are invading their private space. Don't be rude and people won't have to respond in kind.

Ok_Boysenberry6873 said:

Yta. He wasn’t clueless, he was uncomfortable. He says no and you push. Even if he is with his kid. Then you act all shocked when a 15 yo told you to stop harassing her dad while she is spending time with him. Imagine the same with a women, a guy hitting at her every day at work, even in front of her kid who, maybe will leave soon but is still right now.

ruthlessshenanigans said:

YTA, and if you actually posted this without knowing it, you're next door to hopeless. You harassed a colleague who was so uncomfortable with it his teenaged daughter had to put a stop to your behavior. You should be ashamed. You should be facing consequences at work.

You see this only from the lens of your rejection. But you are not entitled to anything from this man, who is a professional colleague and should be able to go to work and do his job without being pursued by a colleague. Any way you look at it, you were inappropriate.

shammy_dammy said:

YTA. She's right, at your big age you should have handled this better, all of the way around. Someone finally called you on your behavior and you're here on reddit having issues dealing with that.

In the comments OP added this update:

Hi everyone, Okay, so I have accepted my ruling. I feel silly in hindsight that it took me so long to realize it and I am literally sitting at my desk feeling like an idiot right now. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t surprised by so many people saying I was the AH at first, but after reading the comments and rereading my post… you got me!

I’m not one to fight for my life in the comments, but I was tempted. In hindsight though, yeah, I was an AH, and a dumb one at that!

Concerning Ken specifically and my feelings for him, I’m realizing I was sort of dumb anyway. The thing with Ken is that he’s very handsome, and I don’t think he realizes how handsome he is, but I also don’t think he cares at all. That was an attractive trait, but I think that knowing that should have been my first hint that he wasn’t interested in dating.

Also, Ken keeps to himself, he’s very reserved, he doesn’t go out for drinks with the office, stuff like that. It was a stupid thing for me to go after a coworker in the first place, but for me to go after the hermit coworker who is a devoted single father was probably even stupider.

I wanted to clear some stuff up. Full disclosure, I was ultimately the reason that this conversation got around the office, because I told a few people about it and things spread. Ken is a gentle like Clark Kent kind of guy, and everyone likes him, so when anyone hears that anything bad about him an angry mob forms.

Another thing, his daughter is really polite, all things considered. Shes really shy and quiet, but she’s very friendly. All the older ladies in the office adore her, she’s one of those types. Ken did correct her when she commented (along the lines of “Esme, that was uncalled for, knock it off” or something) and she did say sorry right away.

I’d never heard her speak so confidently about something as she did when protecting her dad. I feel bad now as I’m looking back at it. I’m sure it’s uncomfortable for her on a lot of levels. She’s got a point, at my big age I should probably get it together! Lastly, I am not neurodivergent.

At the risk of sounding like a jerk, I am just not used to being rejected. Frankly, I’ve never been in a situation where a man I wanted didn’t want me back. I figured he was either oblivious or awkward, but clearly he was just uninterested. Who knew? (Everyone but me, apparently)

Anyway, thank you everyone for putting me in my place and helping me see what was in front of my face anyway. I have no idea how I’m going to fix it, but at least I can see now that I was definitely in the wrong!