Woman tells dad with cancer that he 'deserves to suffer alone,' 'that man started crying.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my dad he deserves to suffer alone?"
TW: abuse
My (24f) dad cheated on my mom when I was 11, when my brother was a few months old. Mom left, she basically abandoned us because we reminded her us her cheating husband. Dad re married within months, in came the step mom and sister (6). Dad's attention was only on his wife and daughter. We became non existent. I had to be a mom to my brother since dad and his wife never cared.
Ever since my brother's was 4 years old, I knew he was "different" if I can say that. The two was us would do make up together, he would love me dressing him up and dancing around the house when the other three would go on their family outings.
When I was 18, my brother 8, he wore our step sister's dress, which was this beautiful princess gown we had never seen. Well when she found out she got mad at him, went to our dad, our dad started beating him and there was a lot I don't want to type. I remember holding my brother and running away from our house. I ran to a nearby hospital, called my grandmother and she decided to take us in.
She paid for my uni, now I work while doing my masters and am living alone with my brother. My grandma still helps us with all his expenses. While our dad not once has tried to apologize. He just called us when we left and ordered us to come back and wanted us to apologize for our misbehavior. We went NC with him. We heard his wife cheated on him few years ago, divorced and left with her daughter.
He got diagnosed with cancer a couple of months ago, he couldn't reach me as he doesn't even have my number. He got in contact through grandma. Told us he was dying and wants to spend his last years with his family.
My brother now 14 is still terrified of him, he refused to dress up and dance around like he used to for soo many years. Now after therapy he can finally smile and love himself. There is no way in hell I am letting him near that man.
My dad tried to reach out a lot and apologize, after ignoring him for months I finally snapped and told him he was the worst father one could have, we aren't his family, he never treated us like one, everyday I wished for him to die and that he deserves to suffer alone. I admit I was very rude, I mean that man started crying. I didn't really care but my grandma reprimanded me, she told me I shouldn't have been that disrespectful and so on. So was I the ahole?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
firebirdinflames said:
NTA. Suddenly he has realised he is going to die soon and all alone. Oh boo hoo. Where was he when you guys moved out because he was beating your brother? Oh yes i remember - ORDERING you both to come back. No apology, no care for you when you didn't come back. In fact, until he realised he was dying soon, he wasn't interested. His actions tell you who he is. He won't have changed.
He just wants his hallmark moment of forgiveness before he dies. Tough luck. Stay away from this toxic POS. If you do go and see him then it should only be because it makes you feel better. His feelings are not your problem.
BPDSENTeacher said:
I can understand why your grandmother said you were being disrespectful. Despite everything, he is still her son, and she will be burying her son - something no mother wants to do. So, in that sense, emotions will undoubtedly be high for all of you.
However, you are NTA in any way whatsoever. You had an awful upbringing, and your "father" lost any rights to you and your brother the moment he neglected his duties and later physically abused your brother. Not only that, but your mother also failed you, and as a mother myself, I am so sorry.
You and your brother are going to need one another even more right now. Continue to seek support through therapy and your new chosen family. And when your father does pass, remind yourself that it is OK to mourn the life you could have had with the father you once knew before the cheating and abuse.
My advice is to speak to your grandma either tomorrow or in a couple of days' time. Tell her you love her and you will always be thankful for everything, but her son is not your father, and he lost the right a long time ago. If you decide to see him, that's your choice, if you don't you could always write a letter or simply do nothing. Right now, you need to do what is best for you. Similarly, with your brother, he needs to do what is best for him.
EmmalineBlue said:
NTA - you deserve to hold whatever boundaries you need. That man deserves to feel the consequences of his actions. You did a good job taking care of your brother when it wasn't your responsibility. I'm proud of you.
Ornery-Calendar-2769 said:
NTA. I think you were clear and gave a summary of all your frustrations which I understand. Being the bigger person is not easy and not possible for everyone. People should understand this. A lot of emotions are released and you did what you had to do. Period.
Fire_or_water_kai said:
He cried for himself, not for the lost years with you and your brother. I'm sorry life was so rough on you two, but it seems you're doing ok despite all the crap thrown at you. Definitely keep your peace and let him deal with his consequences. NTA.
Ilumidora_Fae said:
NTA. He’s crying because he knows you’re right.