Woman tells fiancé that she doesn't 'need' him, 'the money changed him.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my fiancé that I don't 'need' him?"
The other day my fiancé and I were hanging out with his friend James and James's girlfriend Naomi. My fiancé currently owns a company that his dad started back 18 years ago, as he inherited it in his dad's passing 2 years ago. He's now extremely wealthy.
When I got together with him 8 years ago, he was broke, depressed and living in his sister's basement and didn't have a job. I worked full time. Money never bothered me the way it bothered my fiancé. He is quite materialistic, whereas I'm the opposite. When I go shopping, I buy stuff for him but I don't even remember the last time I had a desire to buy myself anything.
Big extravagant things just don't appeal to me. I drive a '07 Toyota for crying out loud. With that said, I do currently own and operate my own business; but I make significantly less than my fiancé does now. I make about $56k a year and he made around $120k last year (he made $250k-ish the year before but it entirely depends on how much he works. he made less this year because he was out on a boat flaunting his lifestyle all summer).
The money changed him...that's all I'm gonna say. He's just different. His ego is completely inflated and he feels untouchable. He has bought a huge house and has 5 different vehicles in our driveway. He buys me gifts constantly but it's stuff I would never buy myself. Like, he bought me a Gucci hand bag 3 days ago for our anniversary, knowing I don't use them.
I obviously said thank you and acted totally appreciative but like...he knows I don't like this stuff either so it did hurt and actions like this (which happen all the time) make me feel unheard. I'm an art junkie. I paint and draw. I read books constantly. I do not keep up with fashion statements.
But instead of getting me a book or a canvas, he gets me a Gucci bag. Idk. It bothered me because he's trying to make me "look better" for him and his image (he hasnt outright said that - he tries saying "I just want you to have nice things").
So, anyways, we are with James and Naomi the other day. James and I get along really well but Naomi and I are just opposites. She's definitely big on appearance and money and gives James a super hard time constantly for not providing a better life for them (she doesn't work). James is more laid back.
He's happy with what he has (a cozy home, a couple cars but nothing extravagant). The topic of money came up after Naomi mentioned James "not making enough for them" and my fiancé starts gloating. Says he offered James a job but James said no. But then he made the comment of "yeah my lady wouldn't have nice things if it weren't for me."
So I asked what he meant by that and he said "well, we know you won't spend money on yourself for whatever reason so you definitely wouldn't have nice things if I didn't get them. Like, look at this Gucci bag. You need me to get your stuff or you would just never have anything." It was at that point that I told him I didn't need him or his gifts.
He looked uncomfortable and said "well I didn't mean it like that" and changed the subject. James and Naomi were just eyeballing us the whole time. After we left, he said I embarrassed him and that I shouldn't have said that sh$t because I took it out of context and made him look like an idiot. I told him he wasn't trying to impress Naomi by flaunting money, this wouldn't have happened. He has barely spoken to me since. AITA?
EDIT:
eta: before he bought this giant house, I owned my own property. I bought us a 2 bedroom home 4 years ago. I currently rent it out because I like the house and didn't want to sell it.
And yes, I've communicated my feelings on this stuff and he says "when you got with me I didn't have a penny to my name and I wasn't able to spoil you, so now I am." But when I tell him that I would be happier with a book or art supplies, he says that stuff is cheap or not good enough and I wants me to experience luxury.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
WavesnMountains said:
NTA y’all should switch partners.
byte_handle said:
NTA. He's all about keeping up the flashy image, it's clear that that isn't what you want. It looks certain that you don't want to spend the rest of your life dealing with him and his need to turn you equally flashy.
You have history with this guy, but it looks like he isn't the man you had started dating. I'd recommend moving on. Let the Naomis of the world fawn over his wealth while you snag a better man.
Milankovic_Theory_88 said:
You embarrassed him? Good. He should feel stupid and embarrassed after what he said. And in front of friends, no less. If he's too dense to realize that you chose to be with him when he was broke, depressed and with fewer prospects, and honestly thinks that the money is what makes the relationship, then you should probably reconsider whether your values align.
neverenoughpurple said:
NTA. If he can't understand it if you blatantly tell him "I'm not interested in experiencing "luxury," it doesn't make me happy," and completely disregards or invalidates what you tell him WOULD make you happy - he's become someone who isn't a very good partner to you.
He's shown you who he's choosing to be. It's up to you to determine whether or not that is someone you want to be with. You're fortunate that you still own your own home. You have a relatively easy way out of the relationship, if you choose to take it.
MissKrys2020 said:
$120k and man is trying to flex likes he’s rolling in money lol. NTA. Independence is a good thing.
Shdfx1 said:
Oh my God. Your fiancé could get you endless art supplies, a never ending credit at favorite online supply stores, a plein air workshop around the world, and he bought you a stupid purse?
NTA. Honestly, Naomi sounds like a better fit for him. I’ve never, ever, known a couple work out who dated over four years, with the exception of people who’d already been married, had kids, and never wanted to get married again.
Other than that, if you didn’t get married already, there was a probably a reason. Someone can be a great person, and still not right for you. Your fiancé wants to be successful, and to provide marks if that success for his lady. There are thousands of women who would love that, and love him.
He and his lifestyle don’t appeal to you, so what are you doing? It’s fine if he enjoys money and luxury, and fine if you dislike it, but enjoy art. If you really loved and respected him, then perhaps one day you’d be able to have cutting edge art in your home, and be an accomplished artist yourself, having the luxury of being able to focus on your art every day instead of making ends meet.
Or you could be broke because he’s ignorant on how to handle finances. But you don’t seem passionate about him. You seem turned off. So wish him well, without judgment, and let him go. Naomi will likely snap him up.