Woman tells fiancé’s teen daughter, 'I'm not your mom' after she calls her a 'gold digger with a uterus.' AITA?

"AITA for telling my fiancé’s daughter I’m not her mom after she called me a 'gold digger with a uterus?'"

Yeah, that’s what she said. Buckle up. I (32F) have been with my fiancé (38M) for almost 4 years. He has a daughter (15F) from his first marriage. Her mom is very much in the picture, but she’s more of a “wine and vibes” parent than someone who actually parents.

I’ve been the one handling school stuff, doctor’s appointments, making actual meals instead of Postmates every night, helping her through panic attacks, you name it. Now I never tried to replace her mom, but I’ve been a consistent, caring adult in her life. I even helped plan her last birthday party when her mom completely forgot the date. Like I’ve seriously bent over backwards for this kid.

Fast forward to last weekend. We’re at this fancy dinner with my fiancé’s family, first time his extended family has met me, so I’m trying to make a good impression. Midway through, his daughter turns to me, smiles sweet as pie, and goes:

“So how does it feel being a gold digger with a uterus? That’s what mom says you are.” Whole table stops. Someone chokes on their wine. I just sat there stunned for a second and said, “Oh, honey… I’m not your mom. I just happen to be the woman keeping your life together while she’s out getting her chakras aligned.”

Fiancé was mortified. His daughter burst into tears and stormed out. He later said I “stooped to her level” and that I need to apologize because “she’s just a kid repeating what she hears.”

I told him I’ve spent YEARS being disrespected and taking the high road, and maybe the real problem is that a 15-year-old is walking around thinking she can say things like that and not get clapped back at.

Now his family is split, some think I was too harsh, others say I just finally said what no one else would. So…AITA for finally telling this girl I’m not her mom when she decided to come for me in front of the whole damn family?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

Dlraetz1 said:

I’d say you need to reevaluate this relationship and your role in it.

Atillythehunhun said:

Teenagers are jerks in general, but your fiance not reprimanding her before you even had a chance to respond is the real problem here. He’s the AH.

ParticularBrush8162 said:

NTA, he should be ashamed that his daughter said something like that, especially in front of his relatives. She only cried because she knows it's true, and maybe she should learn some respect.

ACM915 said:

NTA but you have a fiancé problem. The fact that his daughter at her age thought it was OK to say something like that to you and to show you that amount of disrespect when she is well aware of the fact that you are the one helping her keep it all together is horrible.

This is something that her father should have shut down immediately, and the fact that he didn’t is a bit of a red flag. You need to think long and hard about whether or not you want to stay in a relationship where your fiancé does not have your back.

minimalist_coach said:

NTA. She’s old enough to know exactly what she was doing. She was trying to embarrass you in front of future in laws and thought you wouldn’t dare say anything rude in front of them.

She’s just embarrassed that it didn’t work out the way she expected. Your fiance should have shut that down hard before you had to defend yourself. I’m adding that this would be a great time to reevaluate both relationships with your man and his child.

Holiday-Meringue-101 said:

NTA. Quit being a mom and just be an extra adult. No more homework help, no more birthday parties, no more giving up your time. fiancee and mom can deal with her. I suggest family counseling but I doubt she would go.

Imaginary-Delivery73 said:

NTA. She is 15 years old and is old enough to know better. It sounds like a boyfriend problem because he refuses to correct his daughter and is demanding you to apologize for standing up for yourself. She FAFO that in front of her family.

She thought it was ok to degrade you in front of everyone and knew what she was doing was wrong. If I was you I would step back from doing anything for her that her mother should be doing. Then she will see what all you have been doing for her that a mother should do.