'AITA for telling a friend the reason for her wanting a divorce is really stupid?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling a friend the reason for her wanting a divorce is really stupid?"
I (36f) have a friend, we'll call her Shelli (37f). One of her last visits to my house she was explaining how she is seriously considering filing for divorce from her husband. This rather shocked me, as I though her and her husband (Let's call him Jon) were actually really good in terms of their relationship.
I was curious as to why, as I always thought John was a good man. Her answer shocked me. Was it cheating? Nope. Was it abuse? Nope. Was it an addiction of some sort? Also nope.
Apparently, about a month ago they were looking to buy a new car to replace their aging one. They wanted an SUV as they have two small children and need the space.
Well John agreed that the car they wanted was a good one, he's into cars so he knows what to look for, how to negotiate, etc. John found out that the specific trim is available with a package that gives you a better stereo, cooled seats (which as you can imagine is a plus in FL) and other goodies. Apparently, this car with that feature package is hard to find and a few thousands dollars more expensive.
Shelli told me that she specifically told Jon *not* to buy the car with that feature package. Not because he might have to travel 50 miles to a dealer that has one in stock, but because of the cost. I asked her if that's due to an affordability or budget issue, she says no.
Apparently, they can easily afford it, but Shelli doesn't see the need in adding extras to a deprecating asset that they may not be able to recoup once they trade it in. So what happens? Jon comes home with their brand new SUV.... then she sees the window sticker and it has the feature package. Apparently she flipped out.
I sarcastically asked her, "Did you understand once you turned on the cooled seats when it was 85 degrees outside?" She said "It isn't about the cooled seats. It's about him completely disregarding what I told him and this isn't the first time."
Apparently, last year their multifunction printer that they had for years broke. Jon told me that it started spewing ink everywhere and the cost to fix it would be close to that of a new one, so he decided to just replace it. But Shelli told him to only spend up to 200 dollars on one and to try to find one where the ink cartridges don't costs an arm and a leg.
Apparently because according to her, "no sense in paying more for something that is going to be obsolete in 3 years." So what does he do? He buys one that costs 300 dollars (His excuse was that the retailer had a sale on it for a little less) because he told her "If I see a multifunction printer for 200 dollars or less I'm asking 'what's wrong with it'?"
However, Shelli was also upset that he choose a printer where the ink cartridges are close to 70 dollars each (there's 4) and only available direct from the manufacturer. Apparently he did his research and they "last a really long time."
Finally, he has decided to save up money to see one his favorite rock bands live. Shelli told him to wait until they come down local to us. He refused and is still putting money to the side. Apparently, in case he needs to fly a plane, rent a car, hotel, etc. Shelli does not see the value in doing that, but he still insists on doing it because "you only live once."
She also thinks that he wants to see this band live because they are an all-female group and he commented one day, "I like watching their live videos on Youtube so much better than the studio audio recordings," so she thinks his eyes might be deceiving his ears a little on them.
I asked Shelli if breaking up a marriage and making their kids grow up in a broken home over cooled seats, a better printer and saving up for a concert is really worth it. In fact it's a really stupid reason.
She tells me "what would you do if your partner kept breaking boundaries? He even refuses to stick to what I tell him to buy at the food market, if I tell him to only buy the 5 dollar pasta sauce, he'll buy the 10 dollar jar just because."
I jokingly tell her, "does it taste good at least?" Shelli then says "not for nothing but you're being a bit of an ahole here" and left my house. She hasn't spoken to me since.
Side note: Word got around to another friend, Stan. He's also a car guy, and he says that Shelli is making too much of a big deal of the SUV. Because if the feature package is really hard to find, it will actually increase the resale value on it.
He also said "Not for nothing but your friend is going to be a reason why certain people in positions of power want to repeal no-fault divorce. You don't end your marriage because hubby sprung for the cooled seats." But am I really the ashole here? I don't think so, but your mileage may vary.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
purple_proze said:
People took therapy-speak and really ran with it. This isn’t what “boundaries” are.
Therapized4410 said:
It honestly sounds like they both suck at communicating. Divorce is likely where their marriage is headed if they don’t learn to effectively communicate and listen to each other. She’s acting like his mother and he’s acting like a defiant teenager. They both need couples therapy.
LilyKunning said:
After reading this, I have to say it’s not about the “things” for your friend. I see a pattern that her opinion is not valued, repeatedly. I highly suggest couples therapy.
Ok_Copy_8869 said:
I mean those aren’t reasons I’d divorce anyone but also those are only examples and I’m sure this happened many other times. If this was a consistent issue I can see it being annoying. Additionally only she has the perspective of what else the relationship brings her.
I don’t personally see anything so terrible but if she’s not happy in the marriage, she’s not happy. I don’t think you’re an ahole but I do think you came off judgmental and this is one of those decisions people need to make for themselves.
I would have held my tongue and pushed therapy. I think it’s kind of rude for everyone to be butting in and putting in their two cents. For all we know they also have a dead bedroom or some other situation it wasn’t easy to bring up.
Hypno_Keats said:
I like how your reasons for divorce are "cheating, abuse or addiction" when really, incompatibility is a perfectly reasonable reason to divorce, so get over your judgement and support your friend.
AdAccomplished6870 said:
It isn't about the seats, it is that he refuses to be controlled and your friend is controlling. They need some serious counseling.
UPDATE:
ETA: Holy bejesus this blew up. I am going to add this for context here, that I forgot to mention previously. TW for mention of SA. Buckle up. They both make about equal amounts of money, but it's the backstory that counts here.
Jon used to be a "lifer" at a job that is largely considered a "stepping stone" (CSR at a contact center) and was living with his parents, despite making decent money he had very little disposable income after the bills were paid (Apparently, he wanted to be the good son after his parents started having health issues, etc).
Things changed when Jon managed to find a fantastic job that paid, shall we say a ton more money with a lot more vacation time. The way he looked at it, everything he could not get before because of budget constraints he was able to get now.
He said to me, "Now if a band I really want to see is playing nowhere near close to my area I can afford to travel to see them and make a mini-vacation out of it instead of missing out."
Despite the extra money, Jon looks at the value for money in things. When it came time to buy a new car, he wanted a V series Blackwing Cadillac sedan but knew that A) if it got door dinged in a parking lot he would have a meltdown and B) He wasn't relishing the thought of spending all his extra money on gas and tires to feed it.
So be bought a regular family sedan from a mainstream brand and saved a ton of money. As he told me, "I am in a position where I was able to buy it brand new loaded with all options with a huge down payment instead of having to wait 3 years and hope to find a used version that may or not have been properly maintained."
Jon is also 10 years Shelli's senior. They met in a very unusual way. He won a contest from a local radio show that was a rather large cash prize (This was also around the time he got his awesome new job) and he was asked if he can come in the studio to talk about it.
While there the radio station had a young reporter from a local news paper cover the win for an article. That woman was Shelli. Apparently Jon thought she was hot, figured "you miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take" and asked her out right then and there. He figured a good looking woman like that would be taken but she was single.
Now keep in mind that Jon is a good dude (as they say) but he is not the type of man you can see Shelli going out with (dork type that is average at best). Still, they hit it off and started dating. Jon used part of the money he won to pay off his parent's mortgage and moved in with Shelli after a few months of dating.
When they were dating, Shelli loved that he was willing to splurge with restraint. But when they announced they were getting married, Jon's mother invited Shelli over to her house and told her "You have to keep that man in check. He has a 'you can't take it with you' attitude with regards to spending money and he buys stuff just because he feels like he now can.
If you have kids, it's going to suck when the baby needs diapers and he tells you he just dropped a grand or more so he can travel to see a band out of state." Those were his mother's exact words to Shelli. So she has taken that literally and tries to, well...keep him in check with everything he does.
To the people who say, "She is looking for a way out and is looking for any excuse to do it." You would not be the first to think that. I honestly think that Jon was an emotional rebound guy for her simply because he is the exact opposite of her previous partners, who didn't treat her well.
The 2nd man she dated was a rich dude that got wealthy from "hard work" close to 20 years her senior but he was always late coming home from meetings, taking his work home with him and basically treated her like an afterthought.
During a fight they had he actually told her, "Lady I have options I can upgrade from you at any time." She dumped him right after that. Her brain was probably rewired to be repelled by those type of men.
So here comes Jon, a man who is *not* "handsome and muscular" and also makes good money but is in a position to have time to spend with her. The only problem is, once her brain goes back to normal, I was afraid she is going to wake up one day, see Jon and think "Oh my god what I am doing?"
You could be right. It's too bad kids are involved, as people are saying. Meanwhile Jon tolerates her "controlling behavior" as you guys call it because he "got the woman of his dreams" and is constantly saying he "kicked outside his range and managed to score" so why would he want to give it up.