Woman tells friends the truth about trip, 'I don't want to talk about marriage/babies for 3 days.' AITA? UPDATED
"AITA for being truthful with my friends, when telling them I won’t go on a weekend away because I don’t want to talk about marriage / babies for three days?"
I (27F), have a group of female friends (8 of us), we have been friends for over a decade, since school. Now we don’t live in the same place, we meet up a couple of times a year for a weekend in an Airbnb. This use to be a weekend of good food, drinks, hot tub etc.
I am content with my life at the moment, I am single, dating and I don’t know if I would like children - but in the event I did I know I wouldn’t want one soon. Around 5 of my friends are either married or in very long term relationships, of these 5 two either have a baby or are pregnant.
I will be seeing all of my friends this year for various wedding / friend / baby events. I have been invited on this years girls trip, I have said I can’t come. I didn’t originally provide a reason.
When queried, in person by my friend, who is pregnant - I told her the truth. I am not going because it’s a massive financial expense, for three days where we only talk about people’s upcoming engagements/weddings/babies.
I have a lot going on, but I feel a lot of my friends do not show an interest unless I talk about someone I’m dating. Last time, I listened to one of my friends talk about her breastfeeding plans, with vengeance, for over an hour. She is not pregnant or trying. Truthfully it’s boring, and it feels dismissive.
It’s also a really expensive way to feel bad about myself. I made clear when telling my friend this, that I am thrilled for them all living the lives they want, but maybe it’s not the weekend for me at the moment. Meaning it feels like the group has two distinct life stages, I’m in the minority and it focuses on one stage.
My friend has since told me, she’s really hurt I am not excited for her, or our other friends. I responded saying, I evidently was (from other actions), but I just didn’t think the trip was for me. I do have numerous other things on, and to fit this in both in the calendar and financially is a struggle.
I just want to add for this friend specifically I have gone on three weekends away for her wedding, and I am flying to go her baby shower - all the in the last two years. I have not asked her, nor has she wanted to fly to see me for anything in the last two years. So my query is AITA for being truthful with the reason why I can’t go?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Dependent_Praline_93 said:
NTA because the real issue here is different from how it seems. On the surface this seems like it’s just about engagements, weddings and babies. You go out of your way to be constantly supportive of them. However they don’t reciprocate that for you. They can’t relate to anything or want to relate to anything outside of their lives. It would sort of be like if you just won an award but all they talked about was the pie they just ate that morning.
Smokin_HOT_Ice said:
NTA. We all change as we get older. You naturally drift apart from some friends, especially if their lifestyle changes dramatically (think married with children, in particular). I wouldn't want to spend a lot of money to spend 3 days with a group that had such dis-similar interests. And I don't think it was wrong to be truthful when your friend asked you why you wouldn't go.
LowBalance4404 said:
NTA and what you are experiencing at 27 is what a lot of the rest of us have also experienced. Lives change and all of a sudden, some of our friends don't have much in common with us anymore. I've casually drifted from friends because all they could talk about was diapers or insist on bringing their kid to an outing. That's just not my thing.
Whimpy-Crow said:
NTA and unfortunately friendships change - I think being truthful can hurt others but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be said. It’s your truth and it sounds like you have expensive friends who expect a lot and I’m not sure if you’re actually getting anything back for it.
judithpoint said:
NTA. You went about this very diplomatically. You’re happy for them, but, since you’re not at the same stage, feigning excitement over someone’s breast milk is a bit much. I think she heard what you said but didn’t really listen.
DazzlingMistake_ said:
NTA and I fully support you. It’s really hard to maintain friendships like this when only things that are sort of centered around “men” marriage/dating/kids…I have decentered men and have a hard time holding relationships with people that can only discuss men/babies…etc. I know there’s a way to balance it all but so far I’ve struggled to find it.
I have hobbies, goals, special interests besides dating… I’d like to connect with people on a real level… it’s just hard to find. I think you did the right thing OP trying to explain this to your friend and it’s unfortunate that rather than seeing that you might have a point and trying to make an effort to make you more included she went the “why can’t you just be happy for me” route when clearly that is not at all what you were saying.
She’s used to things being about her at this point though and likely she’s not in a hurry to share the limelight… :/ and also you’ll likely be demonized at the gathering even though you had the best intentions in sharing with your friend… they will probably try to label you as cold, bitter, jealous…
Whatever simply because of your reluctance to hear about Janet’s shitty boyfriend who doesn’t pick up his socks but she won’t leave because ‘she loves him’ and the benefits of breastfeeding vs bottle feeding for the umpteenth time. Friendships have seasons…and the sun may just be setting for you on this group. Sorry OP.
UPDATE:
Thank you all for your responses and comments. Just a few things to note in response to some of the general themes of response. I DO show an interest in their weddings, engagements, babies and baby plans. I am excited for them, I text about it, I ask for updates, I go to AND help plan events for these things.
My issue is, three days of talking about this like it’s the only topic of substance is not fun, especially when I don’t feel an interest is reciprocated to me on my life. I have spoken to one of my other friends invite on the trip (who is also not at the baby stage of life), she is also not going on the trip, and said she is not attending for the same reason.
The friend I expressed this too has apologised for her initial reaction, and is still trying to convince me to come. I am not going to go, but I am hoping she at least considers what I have shared.I do have other friends, in the city I live in, and they are a joy to be in the company of.
Maybe this is because we became friends as adults, and have more similar lifestyles, who knows. Finally - some comments about me being jealous, hating myself / my life etc. To confirm dear strangers on the internet, I am content - thank you for the concern though.