Woman tells her GF; 'You seriously don't know why you're sick? It's so obvious.' AITA? UPDATED 2X
When this woman is upset with her gf's lifestyle, she asks the internet:
"AITA for telling my gf the reason why she’s always sick?"
I don’t think I’m in the wrong here but maybe I’m being unreasonable, I don’t know. I 24F have been with my gf 22F for about 2 years now. She’s wonderful and I love her a lot. On our very first date, something I noticed was that she didn’t seem very concerned with cleanliness.
Something to note is that masks were still mandatory where we live and so covid concerns were still very much a thing. We ended our date by grabbing a snack that she wanted us to bring back to her place.
We got there and she immediately started taking everything out without washing her hands. Maybe I’m just a clean freak, but this surprised me a little.
I brushed it off until she excitedly tried to get me to try some charcuterie jelly she had. She did this by dipping her finger directly into the jar and holding it out for me to try.
At this point I felt pretty icky about it and jokingly said something like “and get a taste of all that stuff we were touching earlier?” (We were out and about, public transit, etc). She seemed a little embarrassed but agreed that was a little gross, but still didn’t wash her hands. This was the first day we knew each other.
To this day, I have not witnessed her wash her hands with anything more than water. And even that takes me asking multiple times. She will go about her whole day, use the washroom, etc. without washing her hands.
She loves finding “treasures” when we’re walking around, like abandoned toys, household stuff, clothes, etc even if they are visibly very dirty. She touches everything and anything, doesn’t wash her hands.
She also showers maybe twice a week, doesn’t use soap there either. The ONLY time she washes her hair or uses soap to clean her body is when I literally do it for her, which she says she enjoys.
This wouldn’t bother me so much if it weren’t for a few things: she likes to cook for me, she loves to dip her fingers into jars and drink straight from bottles instead of using silverware and cups, she touches my face a lot, and to be honest, she stinks. And onto my main point, she is ALWAYS sick.
She tends to be very sensitive and gets very upset if she thinks that I’m implying that she’s gross in any way, so I try to be as gentle as possible when encouraging her to wash herself.
Eventually, I guess I got fed up when she was complaining about being sick again, and said that maybe the reason she keeps getting colds, covid, etc. is because her hygiene isn’t very good.
She got really quiet, cried a bit, and now she thinks that I think she is disgusting and cries whenever I bring up washing hands or anything like that. She used to just laugh and brush it off but now she seems to be really upset by it.
I don’t know what else to do, and I feel like a jerk. But I don’t think I did anything wrong either.
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
congg writes:
Look, I’m sympathetic towards folks with mental health issues that cause poor hygiene (as I myself am one of those folks) but a fact is a fact and that’s disgusting. Not only is she getting germs and grime from everywhere public she’s been, she’s literally getting piss and shit in your food.
Some hygiene issues aren’t a major problem; others can be slowly improved. Not washing hands after using the restroom is foul and I cannot fathom being friends with, let alone dating, someone who is so horribly blasé about touching food with poop-hands.
People who are willing to do that do not deserve compassion and politeness, they need a rude awakening.
I think if she immediately starts using soap and water after using the restroom, this relationship could be salvageable; the other hygiene issues could maybe be improved slowly and with compassionate help/prompting.
But please, do yourself a massive favor and don’t date someone with shit-hands. And while I’m personally very sympathetic towards shower struggles, if she continues to never use soap when showering, I’d also reconsider the relationship.
calamityla writes:
You’re allowing her to dictate this interaction with her emotions, but what about yours?
You’re the wronged party in this situation - just because you haven’t reacted by crying whenever she tried to touch you with her gross hands or contaminated a food item by dunking her filthy fingers in, doesn’t mean you’re wrong or that your needs are less important.
I mean this in the nicest way - you deserve to have enough self-respect to prioritize your feelings instead of protecting someone else from experiencing discomfort due to the consequences of their own actions.
Also - you deserve a partner who’s mature enough to improve themselves after hearing a criticism instead of blaming you for mentioning it.
As an aside, is your gf neurodivergent? If so, it helps to explain her behaviors but doesn’t excuse them. Many neurodivergent people struggle with hygiene routines for a number of reasons, as well as rejection sensitivity, but that’s not a free pass to disregard the needs of others in our lives.
Her response is immature and unproductive - she’d rather blame you for pointing out the obvious than deal with the extra effort of improving her hygiene to accommodate you, and that’s just selfish.
nosalad writes:
NTA but you should show her the reddit story where the OP thought his gf had a kink about washing his butt hole before they had sex because he never did it himself and never wiped properly. He also only washed his PALMS with soap, not his whole hand, and only for a few seconds.
His gf wouldn't let him help with dishes or cooking. He made the post because she stopped washing his underwear (with skid marks on them) with all of her clothes and he wanted to know if he was TA for stopping getting household items in retaliation.
He made an update where he started washing his whole body properly, while also wiping properly, and he even started taking a cooking class and found he really enjoyed it.
Having THOUSANDS of people telling you you are a disgusting human being is GREAT motivation for cleaning yourself properly. She needs to go to therapy if she thinks SOAP is something to cry about.
brokencore writes:
Yeah no.... she probably needs guidance and help learning more hygiene maybe when she grew up that was the norm on her household, but now she's an adult, i understand that people take suggestions harder than others but this is definitely something she needs to improve for her own good and health or some day she's going sick from something serious.
I honestly don't let my partner touch me in an intimate way without him washing his hands when he comes from work or he's doing stuff around the house or even giving pets to the cat...
at the beginning was akward but i sit down and explain my reasons on his own health then how my face and privates are delicate and i can get an infection and how it affects sexual life...
even in the very rare occasion he miss something after taking a shower i very gentle tell him to wash himself really good because i want to enjoy and him to enjoy the experience, i even shower before or right after he get home to get in bed and watch movies because i want to be clean if we feel like having sex.
I think is important to create healthy routines with your partner to have both a healthy relationship, i don't have to remind him anymore since he understands...
the key is having tactful loving conversations and always assuring them is for a good change, ypu can approach it as something you read on the internet and you think it will be good to incorporate into the relationship.
And now, OP's update:
“What about when we’re intimate?” I’m a top, we pretty much only use toys and a strap, and I don’t like receiving (ever, not just from her). So yeah, I’m not concerned about getting UTIs from that. I only go down on her after she’s had a thorough shower (done by me).
“Have you ever asked why she doesn’t want to wash/why she doesn’t like soap?” Yeah, and she usually brushes it off with humor, or starts crying. The little information I’ve been able to gather is that her parents were kind of neglectful by not really teaching her about this stuff.
She also used to be bullied for being the “smelly kid” at school, and past partners have called her gross.
She claims to not like the soap I have, even though I have several different types (bar, liquid, Castile, unscented baby soap). She also claims to be a “dirty hippie” or a “raccoon girl” and I think she just considers this like a quirky personality trait.
“You’re gross too for being with her” yeah well, I FEEL gross when she touches me, shares a bed with me, touches my things, cooks for me. I always change my sheets after she leaves, clean everything, I can usually get away with not eating what she cooks as I’m vegetarian and she usually cooks with meat.
The odd time she cooks something vegetarian I’ll insist on doing the veggie cleaning and chopping and dump it in the pan or whatever for her, so minimal touching on her part.
I know a lot of people don’t wash their hands often, but I’ve always washed mine frequently, and I sanitize my phone every day. I don’t like feeling this way, but the way she reacts makes me feel like I’m overreacting.
“If I knew she was like this on the first date, why did I keep dating her? Why are you monitoring her bathroom and hygiene habits so closely? You’re a creep!” It’s one of those things that sort of builds up over time and you don’t really see how bad it is until you’re deep into it.
I was in a long-term abusive relationship prior to this, and I’m NOT trying to compare this to abuse, but it’s the same idea of a “little” problem snowballing until one day you’re like damn, this is bad.
I knew her hygiene wasn’t 100% right away, but I didn’t know it was literally nonexistent until we started spending prolonged periods of time at each other's places and using the bathroom with each other in the room vs alone with the door closed...
then I’d see her in the shower just standing there under the water not lathering up, using the toilet then just rinsing her hands with water, etc.
She complains that she doesn’t like the soap I have, but I tell her that I have multiple types of soap so surely, she must be okay with one of them. But no, she just hates using soap, period.
Update 2:
Thank you for all the comments you guys left on my post, it gave me a lot to think about. It was the slap in the face I needed, I guess. Most of you were really nice about it but the consensus seemed to be that she needs therapy and I’m gross if I stay with her.
And yeah, I feel really gross, and I don’t want to feel that way. It’s interesting that a lot of you suggested she may be autistic or adhd, because she isn’t either of those as far as she knows, but I am both autistic and have adhd lol.
I have been in therapy for some time, she has been to therapy on and off since she was a kid. Weird stuff with her parents mostly, they weren’t very good to her.
Anyway, I gave it a lot of thought and I’ve realized that my boundaries basically become non existent in a relationship. I keep letting things slide that I really don’t want to.
I’m allowing myself to be uncomfortable for her sake, and I’ve done this in the past, but I don’t want to do it anymore. So yeah, I decided I’d be very direct with her and we either get on the same page or I’m done.
So I very plainly asked her, why doesn’t she want to wash herself? She cried, sobbed about how gross I think she is, but I asked again. And eventually, she told me that she just likes when I do it for her.
She wants to feel pampered and cared for. And it is DEFINITELY a kinky thing, she wants to be a dirty pet that I can clean up. And she thought that I was into it. That’s it, no other reason.
I never said that I was into it, but I guess I led her to believe otherwise by agreeing to wash her hair and body for her from time to time.
Honestly? I can’t believe that I put up with this for so long. She is a really great girl otherwise but yeah, this is a dealbreaker for me. I told her this, and that I didn’t want to have to wash her, and she just absolutely broke down. Seems to be a dealbreaker for her too, she wants someone who will treat her like a pampered pet. So we are done.
Anyway, thanks again guys. I can’t believe this is how it ended up, but I guess I’m happier for it. I will NEVER ignore bad hygiene again.