Me and my husband have been together for nine years, married for five. We are now f29 and m30 but we started dating when we were 20 and 21. Over these last nine years he has been my best friend, my biggest supporter, and the best person I could’ve ever asked for.
We have a beautiful marriage and three beautiful children (triplets!). Our life is amazing. However my husband and I recently fought over something that happened 9 years ago.
Basically, when we had only been dating for 6 months, I accidentally got pregnant while I was on the pill. It was shocking and jarring and confusing and the first thing I did was tell my mom, cause I still lived with her at the time.
I had no idea what to do. We were both broke (I was a year out from graduating college, he was just starting in the electrical industry), young, inexperienced, and barely capable of raising a baby.
My mom calmed me down enough to call him, ask him to come over, and I told him. I still remember that look on his face- he was shocked, then scared, then the briefest fleet of happy, and then back to scared. I just cried.
I ended up being only 3 weeks at that point. Me and him and my mom talked a lot and we all eventually decided that we would have the baby. We didn’t tell anyone- not even our friends cause we were so scared.
We secretly took pictures and I hid my bump for 19 weeks. And then we lost the baby. I had to go through surgical removal of the fetus. He had to watch me sob every day for a year.
We never had another scare like that, ever again because we were so traumatized. My mom and his mom were the only reasons I got through it honestly. I still can’t believe I did it at only 20- I don’t think I could do it now at almost 30.
Anyway so by happenstance, our triplets share their birthday with the day that that baby was surgically removed from my body. I didn’t even realize it until my husband pointed it out.
Now, every single one of their birthdays (there has been 3 now) my husband talks and talks and talks about that baby, and how much he would’ve loved him. Our triplets are all girls. He talks about his boy all the time.
He would be 9 now. My husband does it in front of the girls even, and now they’ve started to ask questions. They’re too young to know or even understand so I finally just asked my husband to stop.
First of all, it’s so painful for me to remember. Second of all, I don’t ever want my girls to think that they are a “replacement” for the first baby we would’ve had, because they aren’t.
And third I don’t want them to ever think that daddy wants a boy more than them. Their birthday was Sunday and it’s all I heard from him. It broke my heart on so many levels. Was I wrong to tell him that?
West_Cartographer264 said:
You're NTA, but a long and painful conversation needs to be had. You both lost a child, and you've handled the loss differently. Perhaps a few therapy sessions would help.
AmazingReserve9089 said:
NTA. I’d speak with the moms as they were so helpful before. He needs help and he needs to understand how he is damaging the children that are here, now. You weren’t saying get over it. You were communicating that ruining the girls birthday and focusing on his son when he had 3 daughters is inappropriate and borderline abuse of the girls
These_Garlic_4337 said:
NTA I would be very upset too as someone who lost a pregnancy it’s hard enough without it being in your face every year you deserve to love and celebrate the ones you have.
bofh000 said:
NTA. But he clearly needs therapy - or MORE therapy. He may grieve however he wants it can, but what is not ok is talking about an embryo as if it were his favorite child. In front of his toddlers. That makes it cross from just grieving into bad parenting territory.
Greedy_Increase_4724 said:
My son was also born on the day I lost my first pregnancy. I would never ruin his birthday by talking about that. I feel for your husband (and the daughter I never had) but he's hurting your girls this way...NTA.
creamywhitemayo said:
NTA, but it's obvious that loss weighs heavily on him in a way that it doesn't for you. Maybe looking into grief counseling for him or a group for infant/pregnancy loss would benefit him.
frimrussiawithlove85 said:
NTA I had a miscarriage with my first baby, it was a planned pregnancy. The child would have been nine this year. I don’t plan on ever telling my two wonderful kids about the miscarriage it’s not the loss to bare. It was too early to tell the gender.
I needed the emergency department intervention because the fetus got stuck it was traumatic for both my husband and I. Still not a reason to obsess over the loss.