Woman tells husband; 'I see you as a LIABILITY, not a partner;' AITA? UPDATED 3X + NEW UPDATE

When this woman is fed up with her husband, she asks the internet:

"AITAH For Telling My Husband That I See Him As A Liability and Not A Partner?"

Sorry for the long post, it's 2am and I'm crying and tired and worn out. If I'm rambling, it's because I've held this in for so long not wanting to burden friends or family with my marital troubles.

I 34F have been with my husband (37M, we'll call him Nathan) for 8 years. Ever since our daughter (3F) was born, I have been unable to trust Nathan with anything no matter how small.

Background context: When I was 19 after a semi truck driver fell asleep at the wheel and turned my car into scrap metal with me inside it. I have enough metal holding me together that I light up like a Christmas tree for TSA and physically impaired with good days and bad days.

I used a portion of my settlement check to buy a house outright and have it retrofit to accommodate my needs as I'll eventually require a wheelchair. I work in software development as it's fun and nobody cares if I work from bed on bad days.

My husband has not worked in 5 years. Which has been fine until our daughter was born. Between the settlement money, a paid off house, and my salary, I enjoyed having him here with me. He contributed by handling most of the domestics. We pay for a weekly cleaner with monthly deep cleaning because it gave us more time together.

Ever since our daughter was born, it was like a light switch turned off in his head. For our daughter, he would buy the wrong size diapers. Not fully mix bottles. Put diapers on backwards. Leave out poop-covered wipes.

Forget to latch cabinets. This past week, he has gone to the store 3 times because he keeps coming home with the wrong size socks and shoes for her. I eventually just ordered the right ones on Amazon.

For me, he has tried to help me with my weekly pill organizer fill-up and several times has spilled the contents of new medications all over the floor. Then "not seeing" that he didn't get all of them off the floor. He has repeatedly brought me grapefruit juice to take my medications with - a huge no!

He has repeatedly forgotten that I can't have dairy and puts milk in my coffee. Or cheese on a burger. He has broken SO many things of mine from being careless. He shattered my laptop because it slipped out of his hand when he tried to pack it for a trip. Even after I said I would pack my own electronics.

We've lost so many spoons and forks to the disposal. He tried to replace the head gasket in my car and over torqued the engine bolt (??) Which shattered insode the block and two different shops said they couldn't repair it.

We ended up getting a new vehicle because a replacement engine would have cost $11,000. A week later, he crashed the new car into the garage door because he thought he'd pressed the brakes, not accelerator.

He wanted to do TikToks and streaming as a hobby. I supported him initially. But I quickly noticed a pattern. Anything regarding our daughter or me, he was sloppy and careless. He never whoops'd his own stuff. He would build entire sets to stream or make videos with, leave the garage, and leave his brain in the garage.

It came to a head four nights ago. He streamed himself building a new set piece. Nine hours straight. Meanwhile I worked, "clocked out early" to pick up our daughter from summer camp, cooked and fed both of us, got her ready for bed.

He came out to help put her to bed. I let him know that I needed to get some work done and would be in my office. And I asked him to take the trash out. He says he will.

2 hours later, I left my office and the house felt really warm. He'd taken the trash out, but left our front door partially open. And was back in the garage with his game volume really loud.

I panicked since our daughter is able to get out of bed and thankfully she was sound asleep. But she could have easily toddled right out of the house and he wouldn't have noticed.

Then I noticed a stove top burner was on. With a small pot on it with nothing inside. I didn't use the stove for cooking that night.

I pop my head into the garage and said "hey, I need you for a minute." I informed him of the door situation and he responds "i thought I locked it". We checked the camera and no, he did not.

I ask about the burner being on and he said he was planning to make ramen and forgot. He pulled the still hot pot off the burner and put it straight into the sink on top of our daughter's favorite plastic plate. Which is now ruined.

I'll admit I overreacted and screamed "What are YOU DOING". He realized what he'd done and pulls the pot off our daughter's plate... and straight onto the countertop. I grab it quickly and run it under water to cool it down.

I tell him I can't tonight. I can't deal with him. I'm taking my meds and going to sleep. He gets a cup from the cupboard, and sets it straight onto the burner that'd been on.

I hit my limit. I started crying. He kept saying that it was fine, things happen, it's just an accident, he's had a rough day from streaming, he's just tired. Why am I crying, it's just a cup. We can replace it.

The anger hit and I said "It's because I have a liability and not a partner." He said "what the f does that mean". I screamed that it's because I can't trust him to do anything. That I'm always having to watch him like a child. Always having to bear the costs of his mistakes.

That every time I get careless and think I can trust him to be an adult, I'm always the one getting fd over. I then said "I can't see you as a partner anymore. You're just another liability in my checkbook".

He immediately stormed out of the kitchen and went to bed. I called my mom and told her what happened. She thinks it's just stress and offered to take our daughter for a week so we could figure this out without our daughter seeing it. She says it was an asshole thing to call my husband a liability.

In the morning, I told my husband that my mom would pick up our daughter from summer camp and offered to watch her for a week. He said "ok" and that's the only interaction we've had since. He spends all day in the garage playing games with his friends, making Tiktoks, and streaming. For food, he's been ordering DoorDash and having the person deliver it in the garage.

It's been days and he refuses to be in the same room as me. I've tried messaging him to ask if we can talk. Or figure out a solution. But he's just left me on read. If I pop into the garage, he ignores me but apologizes to his friends or viewers for the interruption and geek unmute his mic when the noise stops.

Before the blow up, I've asked if there was something going on. I tried to gently respond every time he screwed up so our daughter didn't associate "mistake" to "anger". I asked him to schedule with a doctor to see if something was going wrong medically.

He always said I was over-reacting, people make mistakes. And didn't see an issue, even when the same mistakes kept happening. When I tried to get him to understand that it was concerning just how expensive his mistakes were getting, he'd wave it off as a "it's not like we can't afford it".

I love him dearly, I just miss the person he was before we had a child. The one I could trust and rely on. Did I screw this up forever? Was I being too harsh on his mistakes? Am I missing something? Am I the asshole?

Before we give you OP's 3 updates and brand new update, take a look at some top comments:

creimsy writes:

Girl. I will be blunt. He. Is. Waiting. You. Out. You know you have a time limit on your mobility and disability. So does he. Once you reach it he will get worse, as you will feel like no one will love you like that and will fall for the sunk cost fallacy, allowing him to continue his mooching ways…but worse.

Time for him to get a real job. Speak to a lawyer about trying to secure your assets so he can’t take them in the event of a divorce (I’m in favour of btw). You will feel a weight lifted off of your shoulders.

Who is paying for the doordash…you. You are his sugar mumma. Do you want him in control of your medical decisions. ? Do you trust him with your future medical needs? Do you trust him to care for your daughter when you can’t?

Tbh it sounds like he is deliberately trying to make you sick. Once your disability worsens his behaviour will worsen and most likely turn abusive.

He is already displaying early signs by icing you out and making you feel bad for his poor behaviour. You are getting in the way of his games. He will rectify that . The answer is no. You can’t. Lawyer up and separate. NTA.

Update 1:

OOP on if her husband is using her money: We do have a shared account for household expenses and bills but he is using his own money as far as I can see. When he became a stay at home husband, I didn't want him to ever feel like he was financially trapped or abused. Also the thought of my husband having to ask for money (permission) to buy things for himself or not being able to buy gifts discreetly felt ick to me.

My paychecks get split between the expenses account, $300 each deposited into separate accounts the other can't see, and the rest to savings. To me, it's his money to save or spend how he wants.

I read through all the responses and have removed the allocation to his account. I also removed his name as an authorized user on the bills/expenses account.

Before our daughter was born, this did seem the fairest because he was managing the household tasks and maintenance. But I understand everyone's frustration at me since the arrangement is no longer fair or equitable.

I can't cancel his card because my name isn't on that account at all, but I have put a stop to this Friday's and all future deposits.

OOP on if her husband contributed to anything before their daughter’s birth and afterwards: Before our daughter was born, he was contributing and I valued him for it. He cooked most our meals, did the daily cleaning chores like dishes, wiping counters, cat litter scooping. We did bi-weekly grocery trips and bulk store runs together, but one-offs during the week he would handle.

He also helped me hit the ground running with scrambled eggs and coffee in bed so i could take my heart medication. I never had to run the laundry or consider taking the heavier pain meds to get through folding and hanging everything.

He still mostly does these, minus breakfast. Dishes sometimes sit overnight due to his streaming, but I also attribute it to our toddler wanting each part of her meal in a different small bowl and our dishwasher can only fit so many of the Ikea kids bowls.

He does do the daily things like dishes, scooping cat litter, wiping counters, getting trash out, cleaning random messes that occur, etc. Plus laundry, yard work.

We pay for a weekly cleaner so we dont run into the issue of deferred cleaning (?) where neglecting the house for a few days (illness, doctor visits, family visiting, local outings, etc) doesn't ever turn into a "theres too much to catch up on omg where do i start" freeze.

I've always struggled with that in the past. And the monthly deep cleaner because it's honestly just really nice having a professional come in. Our monthly deep cleaner is also a professional organizer which has been a tremendous help with the transition from infant to toddler organization of clothing and toys.

OOP on her husband’s qualities: He's incredibly creative and we used to have so much fun working on projects together. He's a modern day MacGyver. Give him a roll of duct tape, two pennies, some foam, cardboard and paint and he can build beautiful set pieces that could be mistaken for props on Broadway.

He learned how to make a mini forge from a flower pot and a makeshift lathe. He practiced until he made the ring he proposed with. Complete with my favorite gemstone. Blue opal.

His smile is infectious and he tells the best of horrible puns and jokes. He took cooking classes to learn how to make my favorite dishes and made his own notecard recipe book.

He doesn't hesitate to belt out everything from AQUA to Backstreet Boys, Broadway showtunes, Nightwish, and everything in between. Offkey but as if the rest of the world isnt there. Play a Michael Jackson song and he's on the dance floor by the end of the first note.

When i gave birth to our daughter, I didn't have hospital food as my first meal. He'd worked out an arrangement with the owner of my favorite restaurant.

No matter what time of day or night, as soon as i went into labor, he would message the restaurant owner who would prepare my usual faves and personally deliver the meal to the hospital. I had no idea until it arrived and the smell hit my nose. I cried so many happy tears into my food.

I love frogs. He used to take a photo of every frog he'd find in our yard. He designed and vaccuformed a sign for our house that has both our favorite animals that says "Welcome Home". If he was out, he'd send me photos of, or come home with, cute frog themed things.

On my bad pain days where I mostly "rot" in bed, he would bring me meals. On a wooden tray he made. It converts from a carry tray to a bed tray. He got the idea from hospital food trays.

He helps me get my socks and shoes on when i just cant quite do it myself. He learned how to do a few styles of updos and how to curl and flatten hair to help me feel pretty. On days where I hate the broken body I have, he'll put my hair up and it brightens my day.

That's the person i fell in love with. And so deeply miss. Some days he's that person. But more frequently now, hes not.

Update 2:

Sorry for not being so responsive. Thank you to everyone who gave feedback and suggestions and all of the messages. It's been a week.

Before I get into the update, going to answer some repeated questions. (Skip ahead 8 paragraphs for the actual update)

Why does my husband not work? He can easily find employment but we both agreed that the pay was never worth the toxic environment of his field unless he wanted to start his own business, which he did not.

He worked in home repair and renovation. It was gross how his coworkers spoke of and treated women, female customers and coworkers alike. He saw many female coworkers be se%ually harassed into quitting.

He hated how gross it made him feel when sales and adjusters would take advantage of women. Yes, selling inferior and unnecessary services at a premium is a thing. If he said anything, his hours would get cut until he left.

He left one job on the first day because his boss left a screaming voicemail for not selling a refrigerant service to a young black couple who didnt even need refrigerant. Yes, he's got documentation and reported multiple employers to the state labor board. And checked back. Nothing was ever done to our knowledge.

He's also tried a factory job and a warehouse since leaving the trades. Both heavily penalized him for needing scheduled time off for my medical needs. Theres no worker protection here for any of that until FMLA - unpaid - which takes a year to be eligible for.

Yes. It is a privilege to walk away from a paying job with your middle fingers held high. I have done the same many times but am happy where I'm at right now because its the opposite of toxic.

I'm thriving and our company has a no penalty, unlimited paid sick/medical leave policy that is strictly "enforced" at all levels of management. Any lead who penalizes people for taking leave gets sacked. A unicorn of a company.

Add in a child and short of finding another unicorn employer who won't penalize him for needing time off for me or our daughter -such as when daycare closed for a week due to an RSV outbreak- puts him out of the workforce until either I stop working or our child old enough to not need consistent monitoring.

Last reason for this dynamic is that although I'm disabled, my job pays almost double the highest salary he's ever had. With no reduction in pay for needing time off. It doesnt make financial sense for us to switch who the working partner is.

Update 3:

2. Does my husband have a large following or make money from streaming/TikTok? No. His lives have an average of 6 viewers. And his Twitch has 3 followers. When we did our taxes, he didnt get a 1099 and he showed me that hed got all of $6 from TikTok live gifts. Nothing from Twitch. His viewer counts are about the same as end of last year.

3. Why do we still have a weekly housekeeper and have our daughter in summer camp and part-time daycare? I hate the dynamic of one spouse working a single job for 40 hours a week while the other juggles simultaneous domestic duties, child rearing (care, enrichment, socialization), and essentially being on call 24/7.

I would not want those expectations of me and couldn't fathom putting all of it on someone I love and cherish. If my husband did all of the activities and field trips that daycare did, his evenings and weekends would be taken up by domestic duties that i would physically struggle with assisting.

The weekly housekeeper helps prevent deferred cleaning "paralysis". Where small missed things pile up into unwieldy monster tasks and struggling with where to start.

The monthly deep clean and organization has been a world of self care as we navigated to having an infant and the transition from infant to toddler. (Edited to add: Our daughter started at the part time daycare when she turned 3.

Before then, my partner *was* the primary caretaker which made the weekly housekeeping that much more helpful in not letting things fall to disarray.)

4. The "allowance" thing. Yes. I wanted a dynamic where my husband had his "own" money even if he was not working a paying job.

Maybe I've been on social media too long, but I've read so many stories of non working spouses (albeit mostly women) being financially abused or unable to leave marriages because they did not have access to money they could save up in private. Should I have stopped it sooner when our dynamic became too unbalanced? Yes. I own that.

5. As for "what happens if/when we divorce", the house and settlement balance is in a trust completely separated and as far as my lawyer can tell, out of his reach. Alimony would be up for a judge to decide, but between my documentation, that his licenses/certs aren't expired, plus my continual medical costs, theres a good chance of not being obligated.

Hopefully that answers most or all of the background-related questions? Onto the update.

Friday I finished work to the smell of food being cooked. My husband was plating dinner on the table when I left my office. He said he wanted to talk over dinner.

Some people had given me a heads up that my story was on multiple TikToks and Im grateful because it meant being prepared for the possibility he would see it. Which, I have feelings about my post being used for content on the very platform my child and I have been neglected for. Not good ones.

He did see one. He asked if it was me and I told him the truth. Yes, I wrote it. Yes, that's how I feel. And Yes, I read the comments on Reddit. And no, I won't delete or change how I write about him just because I know he can see it.

I don't know how to describe his reaction, but he said he'd spent the last day reflecting on "just how bad could it be" for so many medical diagnosis suggestions be given as reason and justification.

He did say that he's not ADHD. His mom was addicted to opioids and Ritalin when he was a kid and she tried to get numerous doctors to have him diagnosed ADHD. She had him believing he was so he also sought out two opinions once he was an adult. He didnt learn about her addiction until his mid 20's.

He did seek therapy once he was aware that his mom was trying to use him for pills. He said he was willing to see a psychiatrist one more time, but he doesn't think he's ADHD or autistic at all.

He does think he might be depressed though. If not depressed, he will ask about some of the other medical suggestions if it will ease my worry or rule out a major problem.

He did sound genuine in this but something he said is sticking with me. He said it jokingly and apologized as soon as he saw the hurt in my eyes.

That everyone saying there's something wrong in his brain must be onto something since he chose to love and marry someone "medically fragile" knowing our life together would be anything but normal.

He did also admit that the night he'd left the door open, the pot on, ruined our child's favorite dish, and a cup - he'd drank a little too much on his stream. And would monitor that more closely.

He said the last few nights, he had been filling his "wine bottle" with grape juice so it looked like he was a jolly drinking viking, but was actually sober. He said he would keep doing that.

After dinner, we went out and he surprised me with seeing the new Deadpool movie. We didn't go to our normal theater because he looked up what each theater had for limited edition popcorn buckets. I now have the baby Deadpool one that holds popcorn and a drink.

We spent the next day going over the extent of how our family dynamic changed for the worse. How the little things have added up. How I see "change" as a part of an apology - if you verbally apologize but repeatedly do the same thing, the apology words are worthless to me. And that he didn't recognize just how frequently he was making the same/similar oopsies.

Sunday, we spent talking over short and long term. What needs to change immediately, him scheduling his own doctor appointments. Timelines for expectations. He agreed that replacing or fixing things he caused will no longer come out of our expense account.

He will pay it from his "allowance" account. Which we talked about. I did turn deposits back on, but only for $50 per paycheck.

He suggested we keep it that way until he's "paid back" the cost of repairing the garage and car from earlier this year. He said it will take him far longer to undo the cost of destroying the engine to my last vehicle, but that he's going to step up and find ways to make it right.

Yes. I see the red flags. Love bombing. Not "knowing" how frequently despite repeated talks. Thinking verbal apologies are the final step in apologizing and not "understanding" that repeatedly doing the same problem thing is the same as never apologizing. And yes, I know he will read this.

Do I actually think this is resolved and we will come out of this as a perfect married couple who stays together until one of us croaks? Not really. (Full offense to husband, for now) Is it a potential resolution?

Maybe. But my husband is fully aware that he has a lot to make up for, a lot to fix, and a tight schedule to make it happen. And that the lesson for our daughter (later in life) is either going to be "taking real accountability can steer a wayward ship back to course", "taking accountability is the right thing to do, even if you don't get the result you wanted", or "love alone isn't enough."

tldr: Wow this sucks. I suck for letting it get this far. My husband sucks for what he's put us through. Life owes me a dinner date if its gonna eff me so hard. But there's a potential path forward that doesn't involve divorce. But may involve divorce.

Edit to add: He finally read the post so please read between the lines to what I'm actually saying. Last 4 words of the previous 4 paragraphs if it's not obvious.

Brand New Update (with comments and responses from OP):

Relevant Comments

yesimreadytorumble: there is some truth to his joke given his ability to work has been impacted due to your medical needs, neither of you seem very keen on being a partner and given your take on alimony and money in general, i hope he looks out for his own financial interests.

OOP: I'm trying to be a partner. It's why I am supportive and pay for help (housekeeping, part time daycare that is currently a full time summer camp) as well as ensure he has his own money to spend how he wants.

There is truth that my medical needs impacts his ability to work, which would hurt him for alimony because he wouldn't need a unicorn job with unpenalized PTO if we aren't together. Would I still help him land semi-softly on his feet? Most likely. A judge, from what I've been told, would be less likely to obligate it.

OOP on needing to grow a spine and have her talks with her husband to improve things

OOP: I wish I could grow a spine and replace the one being held together with duct tape, screws, rust, and vibes.

I'm -well- aware that he's 99.9% likely in a panic and the next month if that is going to be a refreshing, but temporary, change. Sorry people wrongly dogpiled you previously, but you are quite mistaken here for assuming my "I want to verify that my husband is indeed choosing to suck" is proof that I intend to continue living like this.

BunchFull: Your two posts have a much larger following after a week that he does on all of his streaming junk combined.

I have a very hard time believing he couldn’t keep a job because of how toxic his work environment was….but that’s just me.

OOP: Looooook, I wasnt gonna say it. But you're not wrong.

The toxic work environments part is sadly very true; I've seen the evidence he collected and submitted to the labor board. At least before everything went sideways, things were really nice with him as a house husband. Am sad he squandered it. I'll be financially able to retire in just a few years barring my career field suddenly tanking salaries though.