'AITA for telling my husband I wouldn't have married him if I knew he'd put his family first?'
"AITA for telling my husband I wouldn't have married him if I knew his family would always come first?"
Me and husband, we been together for 4 yrs now. His family is great, but after a year dating we moved in together and I started noticing that his dad was always calling him 4 of 5 times a day, which I didn't mind but it was odd. My husband was getting frustated every time his dad called, and my husband explained that he always felt bad saying no to them or not answering his calls.
BTW, they have an older son that never answered the phone when he called because of the same reason. I told him that there are ways to say no, or to tell him not call when he was busy without been rude. So he did and everything was fine for a period.
Then, I started noticing that on mother's day he would only take MIL to eat with his dad without me being included, which I'd find odd because I was a mom too, and where I come from in PR we celebrate all the mothers in general.
I didn't think to much of it I really thought it was more cultural thing for him (EU). So a year ago I got pregnant, and after the baby was born, his parents started to showing up often which I didn't mind because I thought they had baby fever. I was wrong.
The FIL just wanted to come by since they don't go anywhere and his family don't invite them much to places because the Sir talks a lot. Since the baby arrival husband had to change schedule to help me more since I work from home while I take care of the baby and the household stuff.
Now when my husband have his days off FIL what him to work on his cars or to do other personal stuff with my husband, which for some reason he doesn't understand that his son is married and has other priorities now which wife (MIL) is always apologizing to me because of it, but husband doesn't say no either so FIL dosen't care much.
A few weeks ago their car broke down and he went to "rescue them" while I was working around 11:00 am mind you it was one of his days off. It was almost 9:00 pm and when I texted him and asked him if he was working on their car, he said no that they were waiting for the tow truck, which I asked why he was still there and he replied back saying "cause I'm making sure my mom is safe."
Which I get, but she was not alone (FIL) was there and there were no real reason for him to be there and not be with his baby and wife. Yesterday, we were laying down in bed and when I was watching a video, he was listening to it, and it was saying that wife should comes first and he said "no it's the mother who comes first."
I looked at him and told him "well, if that is your mindset, you shouldn't have married in the first place. You should've stayed with your mom." I attempted to explain to him why once you are married, your new family should always come first.
He replied saying: "that's the women's perspective and not everyone thinks like that." Which I reply back: "if I knew that was your perspective I wouldn't married you." He got upset and he stopped talking to me. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about it:
YellowCottage61 said:
NTA. Though given that his mother apologizes to you, it's not her who is the problem, it's her husband. And your husband. Ask him this: "So, when your parents got married, your father should have regularly abandoned your mother and baby you to go help his father work on a car?"
Big-Pickle-7506 said:
NTA. You’re right. Some people don’t realize once you start a family, that is your first priority. I agree with you. I wouldn’t marry someone with that mindset either. Go to couples counseling for sure.
Classic_County9434 said:
NTA. Men choosing their mothers over their wives is very weird behavior but it’s very common. I doubt you’ll change his mindset so you either have to suffer through it or leave him.
OctoWings13 said:
NTA. What you said is right. One problem you have is don't make the mistake of putting the blame in the wrong place. The whole post sounded like FIL is to blame here, and husband is being dragged along. It isn't...and it came clear at the end of your story...
Your husband is completely at fault here, and is the one responsible for all of this. Husband is actually driving the issue. Maybe couples counseling so he can hear it from a "professional?" Some people just won't listen unless a person has some type of authority.
I would definitely be on stopping this behavior from him immediately. More the mindset of not putting you and baby first. Putting partner and child first is an absolute must for me, and a complete dealbreaker. I would have zero tolerance for what you're going through.
Organic_Opportunity1 said:
NTA. Lol. That is not the perspective of a man. That is the perspective of a child. FILs immediate family is his wife and your husband and his brother. Your husband's immediate family is you and your children. I love my mother and appreciate her and the things she had done for me, but I WAS her responsibility. My wife and children ARE my responsibility.
ShinyAppleScoop said:
NTA. What's weird to me is that his mom apologizes to you, so SHE knows he's weird. He's. Daddy's Boy. His mom should set him straight since he clearly doesn't respect you enough to listen to you.