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Woman tells 'sulky teen' 39-year-old husband she's 'done pushing.' AITA? UPDATED WITH HUSBAND'S SIDE.

Woman tells 'sulky teen' 39-year-old husband she's 'done pushing.' AITA? UPDATED WITH HUSBAND'S SIDE.


"AITA for telling my husband I'm done pushing?"

Me (40F) and him (39M) have been together for 20 years and married for 15. Two kids. He has had bouts where he is "unhappy" and been caught having emotional affairs several times. We have separated 3 times, each lasting about 6 months and then he decides his family is where he wants to be and we reconcile.

Here lately, I'm seeing the same pattern of being unhappy (moping around, disconnecting from everyone, face in his phone constantly, etc.). I do 95% of the household tasks. On top of working 50 hours a week, homeschooling. He maybe cooks dinner once every two weeks and he is responsible for grocery shopping on Thursdays and trash on Tuesday.

He has hobbies outside of the home that he does once / week and then he does an all day thing related to this hobby once/month. I've asked him if he wants to talk about it and he insists nothing is wrong and I'm imagining things. I stopped pushing. I told him that, until he communicates that something is wrong, I'm going to assume it's not. I do not have time to beg someone to tell me what's wrong when they clearly don't want to.

The marriage counselor basically told him that he has a communication issue, but he would never do the exercises with me and insisted that the counselor sided with me because she was a woman. When we got a male counselor and he said the same thing, and that the guy was interested in me.

I told him this morning after he was mad that I hadn't pushed him all week trying to figure out what was wrong, that I'm done pushing. I'll ask what's wrong and if there is anything that I can do to help him once or twice, but after that, I'm leaving it.

I'm done. I'm exhausted all the time and feel like I have a sulky teenager in my house. He is now giving me the silent treatment and telling people his needs aren't being met. AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

JanetInSpain said:

Sounds like you've put up with all of this long enough. Sometimes we're better off alone (or alone with kids) than with someone who clearly doesn't respect us or care one whit about our feelings. Ask yourself this question: If you woke up 5 years from now and things were exactly the same, would you smile or would you want to kick yourself? Respond now based on your answer.

Fit-Particular-2882 said:

Get advice on how to divorce a narcissist. They’re a unique breed. They will do whatever to besmirch you in public. Stop talking to your friends. They’re not your friends and will sell you out to him.

Please take this advice. A narcissist knows how to make themselves look like a victim in public and he’ll exploit that with your friends. All of a sudden the water works will start and he’ll start telling all your friends how he’s blindsided.

Get a book on covert narcissists. Make sure you do it from a private Amazon account, so he doesn’t know you’re reading it. Prepare yourself to be ostracized. It’ll hurt, but if you prepare yourself ahead of time it’ll hurt less. Take all that extra time you would be spending on them and start using that time to woo yourself. Start developing your hobbies, exercise, whatever makes you happy. Good luck.

HoshiJones said:

I'm at a loss here, trying to figure out why on earth you're still with this guy. He doesn't love you. No one who loves you is okay with you doing everything. And he's not a partner to you, and has emotional affairs, and periodically leaves you. So why? NTA, but you are to yourself by staying with him.

theworldisonfire8377 said:

Good lord, just divorce him already. He sounds like a petulant child in a man's body, why in the world would you want to continue to be used by someone who doesn't seem to give a sh$t about you or how you feel? It sounds like you have tried everything, and he has made no effort to make things better or help himself.

He wants to whine and complain that he needs aren't met? Good, let him go take care of himself instead. He probably keeps coming back because then he has someone to do his laundry, take care of the house, parents the kids for him and provide extra income.

If he's divorced, he has to do all those things all by his pathetic little self. Is this what you want to deal with for the rest of your life? Have some self-respect and leave his sad, sorry ass behind, and find someone who makes an effort and treats you like a human being. NTA, but you would doing yourself a huge disservice by staying with this man.

litgeek70 said:

NTA. Please consider leaving him. Your children are watching. Don’t normalize living in a miserable, one-sided relationship.

SatelliteBeach123 said:

NTA. I'm not sure why you took him back THREE times. He doesn't seem to have much to offer to the family. You're doing it all and he still acting exactly as you said "sulky teenager." Exhausting.


I had posted about my husband wanting me to keep asking and asking and asking what was wrong and then giving me the silent treatment. I guess things imploded yesterday, I think he found my original post, copied a lot of my post and then posted trying to get sympathy here and was absolutely destroyed...

thank you great folks for that! I had the post sent to my main, and I'm not sure who figured that out, but you should 100% make finding obscure people on the internet a career! He claimed he isn't on social media or reddit and that simply isn't true, he spends a great majority of his time on social media.

He left and went to stay with a friend after me telling him that I was done and there was no coming back from everything. I guess I kind of came out of the fog reading all the replies and the books I ordered. I found out he read my journals and that was the overall breaking point for me.

I appreciate the feedback and messages so much. I hope you wonderful people have amazing lives and wish you all the best!

Here's what top commenters had to say after the update:

Ok-Professional2468 said:

I hope you and your barracuda of a lawyer take your ex to the cleaners. He is less useful than a mud puddle. Most of the actions he admitted to were repulsive. Enjoy living your best life.

PeaStreet6542 said:

He sucks. You deserve everything. Have a happy life.

violetlisa said:

I am so glad you are getting out. You deserve so much better.

caryn1477 said:

Big hug for you. You don't deserve his dysfunctional behavior.

DolceSpezia said:

I'm sorry that your "friends" in real life are pushing you to stay miserable. In your shoes, I'd just show them the posts. It's funny how quickly folks change their tune when confronted with a tidal wave of people pointing out how f'd up it all is.

Inner_Doubt_1660 said:

Take screenshots of his posts and keep them as evidence. I am so glad you're leaving him !!! A divorce party is definitely earned in this one.

Luckily, internet sleuths were about to find her husband's post here:

Been together 20 years, 2 kids, picket fence...all that good stuff. My wife (40F) and I (39M) are at an impasse and I'm giving her the silent treatment because she isn't meeting my needs or showing any concern for me and my feelings. We got into an argument because she asked me what was wrong and I felt that, after 20 years, she should know to keep asking...and she didn't.

She told me she would only ask me once and would assume all is well unless i tell her differently. Normally she asks and asks until I eventually tell her. It's kind of a game. Eventually I tell her and we work it out. More and more lately, she has less time for me and tell me she's exhausted between work and kids and home and all the other stuff.

I work too, I have hobbies that take me out of the house, im tired too, she doesnt get a monopoly on being exhausted. Thats parenting. I cook some and take out the garbage once a week, which is more than a lot of men have to do. We have had a hard time on and off through our marriage and are getting on a better track after a separation that I felt was needed after she saw a message pop up on my apple watch from a coworker she had asked me to distance myself from personally.

I felt she was overstepping just because my coworker was female. My wife is super introverted and doesn't really leave the house so I'm not worried she's cheating on me. I've been quiet for almost a week and it seems like she doesn't care. AITA for keeping on with the silent treatment until she goes back to caring for my feelings?

He updated his post twice:

Update: Apparently my wife posted last week and got an overwhelming amount of support telling her I was a narcissist and to leave me. She set up an appt with a lawyer based on the feed back. It's in two weeks. I'm not sure who sent her this post, but she is PISSED at me.

Update 2: Since this has gained so much attention, I'm doing a final update and then I'm deleting the account. The messages, comments, everything is a LOT to deal with. My wife destroyed all her journals she had been keeping since middle school so I couldn't read them and try to use anything against her. Apparently she had them hidden in various spots in the house like under a loose step in the staircase and under a drawer in the bathroom.

I get it. I'm an overwhelming ahole. I appreciate the messages that have sent me links and videos. She is adamant in moving forward with a lawyer and told me her best hope is coparent as civilized adults and do what is best for the kids.

Her name is no where on the house as it was an inheritance, so she will have to move, there is nothing I can do about that. I'll try to make it as easy as possible on her from here out and just apologize for taking advantage of her and what a wonderful person she is.

Everyone was unanimously on OP's side throughout, especially after hearing her husband's side. What's your advice for this couple?

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