'WIBTA if I told my husband his 'sleep boundaries' are out the window now?' UPDATED

"WIBTA if I (F28) told my husband (M28) his 'sleep boundaries' are out the window now?"

Husband (we will call Brad), and I have been together 2.5 years. Had our son in January. Things have been pretty great, but this had me feeling kind of...annoyed? Brad is diagnosed with autism and ADHD, which can make communication between us challenging at times, but we do our best.

We live in Europe, NOT US. Since Brad has AuDHD, he only works at 50%, the other half is covered by a health insurance here on a temporary basis, and every few months he has to keep applying for more.

It is stressful, as we wait for him to hopefully get on a permanent coverage. Since this is so up in the air, instead of me taking a full year of mat leave, he took a majority of the days in case his temp health insurance is denied for some reason, then he can keep his work schedule at 50% and still get paid on the days he has off.

Which means I went back to work part time. I WFH as a private teacher. I choose my hours, since my students USUALLY live in different countries, I chose some in the afternoon when Brad is home with our son, and at nights, when my students would be awake and Brad is also home. I only have one student in the evening, 23:00 - 23:30 twice a week.

This is to help with some income, and we discussed this before I event went back to work. He had asked no students past midnight. So if Baby is having issues sleeping, he can take care of him and hopefully get him to sleep.

Well, Brad got back on a schedule where he wants to go to bed at 23:00...every night. We try to, but with a baby, sometimes...it just does not happen. Baby sometimes will stay asleep when I put him to bed (I nurse him to sleep), and sometimes he wakes up screaming.

Well, last night I told Brad I had my student at 23:00, and I would try to have Baby sleeping by then. He asked me, "What is your plan if Baby wakes up? My bedtime is 23:00, so hopefully you have thought of something." I said, "Well, hopefully he stays asleep. If not, you will just have to take care of him, or put him on his play mat and entertain him."

He resolutely said, "Bedtime is 23:00, and I will go to bed." Come 23:00, Baby is in bed, and Brad is just getting out of the shower. I guess he woke up moments after I started with my student, as when I came out of the office, he was walking around with Baby. I took him, nursed him back to sleep and went to bed also shortly after 23:30.

This morning, he was a bit annoyed with me. When I tried to hug him good-bye as he was leaving to work, he did not hug me back. We always do this before he leaves, so I said, "Are you upset with me still?"

He replied, "Yes, you crossed my boundary. My bedtime is 23:00. We discussed this. I go to bed, and anything past that is your problem to solve if Baby wakes up." He left for work...and I was just thinking...what? I feel I need to have some discussion with Brad about this, but WIBTA if I told him he has no more boundaries with his sleep and he is being ridiculous?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

AccomplishedIce2853 said:

NTA. Your husband is being ridiculous. He is a father, he should act like it. Babies wake up in the night, it's not fair to expect you to take care of it all by yourself, while he peacefully sleeps every night. He is a parent, he needs to parent his child.

_Counting_Worms_1 said:

NTA. I’m also AuDHD and have a 7 month old and a six year old. When I’m ready for sleep, that’s all I want and being woken up or kept awake makes me feel like crap. But I suck it the f up because the baby is not the best sleeper. He wakes up often and wants to be nursed back to sleep.

Do I want to do it? No. I have to do it, though. AuDHD is no excuse to get out of responsibilities. It’s okay to struggle with the challenges of being a parent and being AuDHD, but you still have to parent.

UneducatedPotatoTato said:

NTA and your husband doesn’t understand how boundaries work. You can’t just clock out of being a parent. That’s not a boundary, that’s neglect.

nefarious_epicure said:

NTA. this is not a boundary. This is him being rigid.

GoldInTheSummertime said:

NTA. Being autistic and having ADHD are not license to be a dick. He is a father now, and the baby's needs come first. Moreover, the reason that you can't help is because you have already bent over backwards and made every single accommodation possible for him.

He should be grateful. Instead, he is weaponizing therapy language to make you seem like the bad guy. You are not.

Equivalent_Secret_26 said:

NTA. The only ahole here is your husband. You don't get to have a "bedtime boundary" when you've had a child. He's a grown man that helped create a child, not a toddler that has to have his beddiebyes by a certain time or he gets cranky wanky.

crzswtsgrhi said:

NTA - though there should be an understanding that the baby's needs will take priority until he/she is self sufficient. This is what being a parent is - sometimes we need to sacrifice and compromise to fulfill our responsibilities to our child.

Later OP posted this update:

So, he came home. And we had a long, long talk, about how his words can be easily misunderstood, especially if he does not clarify to me, or I ask him to. How a baby = no boundry with sleep. We do our best, all we can do.

We need to spend more time as a family, together. I explained how to a neurotypical person, his words and actions hurt, even if that is not his intent. That Baby is the priority always, even our mental health. We only have each other, and even tho I can sympathize with the mental health, you just have to push past it.

I am doing all I can, and if you need help - ask for it. He is willing to get extra support at the neuropsych where we live beyond what he has. He is medicated and getting all the help he can, and will seek ways to cope.

I made it clear that no way was his reaction ok, and it cannot happen again for Baby's sake. He seemed to understand.

As some of you suggested him getting extra support for his AuDHD, he will. I will ask also for some counselling how to communicate better myself to him.

Around the house, he will spend less time alone. More with us. Free time happens AFTER or WHEN baby sleeps. Not before. Games can be played in the living room where we are together.

Also, my mother offered to be ''on call'' if she has the time so if husband is alone with Baby, she can videochat with Baby, which he likes. I talk with her on video almost every day, and sometimes it can snap Baby into a better mood when he sees his grammy.

And yes, we live in Sweden. So we get 480 days between us and we can share/trade so, I can get some days back if it comes to it. I was never forced to give my days, it was my choice due to what was happening at the time.

He only works 50% because that is what he feels he can do without burning himself out. He has other health issues (diabetic, EDS) that make him more exhausted. His job pays pretty well, but on just half his wage is not enough. If he gets permanent health insurance, it could take a few years. We HOPE.

I am with him because when I met him he was under less pressure. He is fully capable, had a job, cleaned his apartment, has a social life. I think the stress of having the health insurance and our son sometimes just...being a baby got to him. Prior to this, he has been a good husband, father, considerate.

I am not stupid. I was in an abusive relationship prior. My parents love him. Just not his behaviour at times like now. He messed up. With his words. He has aknowledged that.

Some of you thought it might be a deeper issue, but no. I asked and he just said he was upset because to him I was working at a time he did not agree to, but I had to remind him him wanting to go to bed at 23:00 was recent, as in back in May, when I started to go back to work. He just is stressed - from work, Baby and just day to day things.

He apologized for how he rejected my hug by standing there (he was annoyed, why he did not reciprocate), and how he worded things last night and this morning. I promised no students past 23:30. He said ofc he would NEVER let our son just cry if he was going to bed, I had student, and Baby was awake.

Will it stick? Idk, we just take one day at a time. Next step is couple's counselling as opposed to individual and involving my parents whom he respects.