Woman tells husband; 'Take unpaid time off work to take our baby to the doctor;' he replies; 'WHAT?! YOU HAVE PTO.' AITA? UPDATED

When this mom is fed up with her husband, she asks the internet:

'AITA for suggesting that my husband take unpaid time off work to take our baby to the doctor, when I get PTO?'

My husband and I do not agree on this. At all. And I think a neutral perspective would be helpful. I’ll try to make this brief…

I get PTO and I have the option to work from home if I want to. My husband does not get PTO and the nature of his job requires him to be out of the house.

Now, we have an almost 9 month old and up until this point I have taken her to all her doctors appointments, and my husband accompanies me if it is a milestone check up and if it’s on a Friday (he is off on Friday’s).

But as is par for the course, she’s a baby and she gets sick or gets ear infections. If something comes up that requires a unscheduled appointment then I am the one to take her. I take time away from work to go and sometimes it takes a few hours. It has happened multiple times at this point.

Here’s where we don’t agree: I think my husband should also be responsible for taking her to the dr if something comes up, but he doesn’t agree because he doesn’t get paid for his time away.

We keep our finances separate so this does not impact me, but obviously missing wages impacts him. I am of the impression that that’s an unfortunate part of his job, but he’s still a parent and sometimes he has to do things that sucks.

He thinks because it’s easier for me and I still get paid then I should be the one to take time off for these types of appointments. So, AITA?

Let's see what readers thought:

garyso writes:

YTA. Instead of viewing his situation as an unfortunate part of his job, why not view your situation as a fortune benefit of yours? Because that's exactly what it is.

You can attend the appointments without losing any time or money but you want him to lose out knowing full well his job doesn't help him like yours helps you? That's insane.

kaibla writes:

YTA. You’re in a lucky position where doctor’s appointments have less impact on you; he’s in an unlucky one where it has more impact on him. If this was a colleague or a stranger, it’d be fine to shrug this off, but it’s not.

He’s your partner. You want him to act like a partner and share the responsibility, but you don’t want to act like a partner and share the impact. Either take care of it yourself or recompense him for half the lost wages.

rotuy writes:

ESH for both playing a game of, “that’s your responsibility.” In marriage and in families, everyone pitches in for the benefit of the whole. That means that things won’t always be equal, or even equitable at times.

If you have an important meeting or other professional responsibility on a certain day, it’s reasonable to expect your husband to step up. When it is easier (and more financially beneficial to the family… if you had shared household finances) for you to take time off of work, you should step up.

“I love you” does always look like lovey dovey flowers, hugs, and words of affirmation; sometimes “I love you” is demonstrating your willingness to make a sacrifice in support of someone else’s wellbeing.

This isn’t an all or nothing, either/or situation. In a healthy relationship, you’d both recognize that one will contribute in certain ways more than the other during this phase of life but that it will even out in the end if you both commit to generously giving of yourselves and your resources for the benefit of the whole.

ETA: Woah! I’d like to shut down the misinterpretations of how I’m putting all the blame on OP. That was not my intention whatsoever! I’m not suggesting that only OP should make sacrifices out of love.

Rather, I’m more so expressing my sadness for those in relationships that revolve around constant score keeping. I personally would not feel valued or loved in a relationship like that; feeling as though my partner was begrudgingly helping me, paying for my dinner, or doing a chore at home only because it equalizes things or means that I’ll owe them later would cause a lot of resentment on both sides of the relationship.

When I was a child and would say, “But it’s not fair!” because my older sibling was allowed to do something I could not, my parents would reply, “Nope! It’s a circus. ” Considering how that reply made my blood BOIL, I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but… they were right.

Life in general isn’t going to be fair. Life is often a flipping circus and within a marriage/family, it’s unrealistic to expect 50/50 equality in everything, all the time. Rather than “an eye for an eye”, I envision both partners in a loving relationship following “The Golden Rule” - do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

To be ultra clear - I don’t think OP should “suck it up and accept all the responsibility”, I think OP should have a heart-to-heart with her husband to evaluate the depth of both of their commitment to lovingly and generously give of themselves and their resources for the benefit of the whole (because commitment to that concept is the only way things could possibly “even out” over a lifetime) and discuss how they can better support each other both now and in the future.

Lastly, I also completely agree that OP should not have to drain all of her PTO to bring their sick child to the doctor. For all we know, he may be able to take an unlimited number of unpaid days off whereas as once she’s out of PTO, she can only request unpaid time off for something major through FMLA.

As the number of PTO days drop, the situation changes - the needs of the family changes, and so does the teeter totter of who should do the “stepping up.”

cramop writes:

NAH. I can see both sides.

At the moment you're getting a lot of Y T As because they aren't taken into account your job/career progression is going to suffer from excessive PTOs and short notice WFH. So, long term damage to your career. But your husband has the more immediate damage in the loss of finances and potential future damage to his career.

I do think you should be doing more of the doctors visits personally. But I also think he should be doing some of them, not just the Friday ones.

I know you keep your finances separate, no shade whatsoever, my husband and I do too. Is it an option where you pay him for his missed days? I know that sounds mental, and perhaps it is, as you're effectively paying him to be a parent. But it would ease his side of the argument and make it fairer in terms of affecting career progression.

greakad agrees:

I was going to say NTA but then you said “ we keep our finances separate so it doesn’t affect me “. Umm, you’re married and what affects one partner negatively should concern the other partner. So, YTA for that attitude. How about you let him take her to the scheduled visits on Fridays and you do the sick visits ?

UPDATE:

Edit: y’all feel free to comment and debate in the comments, but I’m checking out. There’s a lot of assumptions being made here that are clearly wrong and frankly I don’t give enough shits to correct anyone.

This is not a major issue in my marriage AT ALL, just something we don’t agree on and I was curious about an outside perspective. We’re not arguing about it, and I’m not holding onto resentment.

He has not had to take time away to take her to the doctor, so everyone who is so concerned about his bank account can rest easy. It’s a pretty bank account though, I can promise you he’s not hurting for money.

I appreciate the people who acknowledge the long term impact this takes to my career as well, and I appreciate the people who were able to help me understand his perspective a little more.

I don’t think there’s a clear right or wrong here, as it is more nuanced than I made it out to be but I do have some good talking points now for the next time it gets brought up. Peace out.