Woman tells MIL to stop criticizing her parenting in front of toddler, 'my son would grow up spoiled.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my mother-in-law she can't criticize my parenting in front of my kid?"
I (30F) have been married to my husband Kieran (34M) for four years and we have one son together (3). My mother-in-law Christie is one of those people who doesn't seem to have ever grown out of the mentality that her son is in fact a grown man with a family of his own, and can be very overbearing at times but I've known for the most part, that she means well.
She was very vocal through my pregnancy about what I should do and everything etc, and a lot of it was valuable as first time parents - but since our son has been born, she's been very hands-on.
Kieran has previously spoken to her about coming over too often (he knows I prefer to leave her to him lol) but she doesn't seem to have taken much of the hint. Right now, she enjoys popping over up sometimes twice a week.
A few days ago, we were at a family gathering when my son threw a tantrum because he'd lost his favorite teddy. I was handling it calmly and found the toy, but my mother-in-law stepped in and started criticizing my approach right in front of everyone.
She told me that I was being too lenient and that my son would grow up spoiled if I didn't discipline him properly. This seemed utterly ludicrous to me considering that not only is it mine and my husband's decision how we parent our son, but he's three years old and lost his teddy - there's not much to discipline him for.
I was embarrassed and frustrated because it was in front of a bunch of family members, but I pulled her aside later and asked her directly if she could take a step back from trying to control both my marriage and parenting.
She got very frustrated with me and started telling me that I needed to be more patient (real change of tune there Christie - thought I needed to be more strict and direct?) and that she was clearly only trying to help.
I understand that she probably is acting with the best of intentions but it's starting to get too much. Part of me can't help but feel like she's treating mine and Kieran's son as a sort of second son of her own. But on the other hand, I understand that she's likely just trying to guide us in the right direction. I'm not sure. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
MizZo2 said:
NTA, and next time call out the hypocrisy! Be more understanding with a grown woman than a toddler who lost their toy? Ask her why she should get more understanding than a 3yo. Make her answer.
More importantly, your husband (not you- his monkey, his circus) needs to set boundaries that have consequences. No more of this "hey mom try to not come over as often" soft approach. He needs to say "mother. We will no longer be accepting unplanned visits.
If you would like to come over you need to text and ask. If we say no, that is a complete sentence. Even if we are home, if we say no, the answer is no and you will not be allowed inside if you break this boundary. Breaking this boundary will result in a 1 month time out of any visiting or interaction.
A second violation will double the time out time. We also will no longer accepting unsolicited advise on how to raise our child. If we need opinions on a parenting decision. We will ask for it.
Otherwise, please keep your opinion to yourself. If you criticize our parenting, especially in front of others, you will be put in a 1 month time out. Continued disregard of this boundary will result in a doubling of the time out time."
kem81 said:
NTA. You took her to the side and told her. You didn't blast her in front of everyone like she was doing to you. It sounds like you just reminded her of her role as grandma and not parent. If you haven't already.
You may want to have another chat with your husband and let him know it's time to rein in his mom again. You may even have to sit her down and set clear boundaries after talking with your husband. Then stick to them.
gevander2 said:
NTA but don't assume she has the best of intentions. Her intent, clearly demonstrated, is to tell you what to do and how to do it. She wants "patience" from you while she lays down the law and you follow her instructions.
It's time for you and Kieran to lay down the law instead - "our child, our rules." If you don't like our rules, you can keep quiet until we are alone and then she can suggest an alternative.
But if we turn it down, that is the end of the discussion. Then you and Kieran must be prepared to enact consequences if she breaks the rules. Tell her what she has to lose if she breaks the rules.
WatercressSea9660 said:
NTA. If she ever scolds you in public for how you manage your child again, do it back to her. Something like "You've already raised your child. If you feel like you didn't do a good enough job, go speak with him about it."
pinekneedle said:
She sees herself as being promoted into a management position since she is the mother of a parent. Obviously someone, preferably her son, needs to lay down the law with her and tell her to keep her opinions to herself unless asked…no matter how much she disagrees with your parenting. She needs to follow the rules or not see her grandchild. She will of course be distraught by this but stand firm. NTA.
KBD_in_PDX said:
NTA - intentions mean nothing if her actions aren't respectful. You offered her a kindness she DIDN'T offer you - you spoke to her about her "shortcomings" in private, instead of blasting them out in front of everyone.