Woman tells mom she can't stay with her for brother's wedding, 'I am a child of divorce.' AITA?
"Am I the Ahole for telling my Mum she can't stay with me for my brother's wedding weekend?"
I, 29(F), am a child of divorce. My parent separated when I was 10 years old and have constantly put me in the middle of their relationship. For example, they put the choice on me on where to live, at the age of 10. I chose my Dad. After my mum moved out, my parents have not seen or spoken to each other since to the best of my knowledge.
As a teen, they would constantly bad mouth one another and I constantly felt like I had to pick sides. It got to the point when I turned 14, I did not have anything to do with my Mum. When I turned about 17 years old, I rekindled the relationship with my Mum. We had a falling out when I turned 20. We rekindled again when I was 25 or 26. Since then, things between my Mum and I have been fine.
Dad has always been a stable, reliable parent. Although we have had arguments like any father and daughter, he has always been there for me. As I started getting older Dad stopped saying negative things about my mother, and encouraged me to have a relationship with her, telling me "you only have one."
Fast forward, my Dad now lives a 3 hour plane trip from me. I don't get to see him very often. About once a year, if that (I know, need to make more of an effort) My Mum lives about an hour away from me, and I see her about once a month.
My brother, "E", is getting married this month. The wedding is about a 30min drive from me. He has his own issues with my Mum, however invited her to the wedding to avoid any drama. My Dad is also invited. This will be the first time they have seen each other in almost 20 years. They have actively avoided each other and neither came to my 21st in fear the other might be there and start drama.
When I recieved the invite, I called Dad and invited him to stay with me. I was excited because I don't get to see him very often. I wanted him to see my new place, meet my dog and spend some time with my boyfriend.
My Mum just invited herself to stay at my place for the wedding. She also invited 2 of her friends to stay, and just planned out the weekend. Dad could stay elsewhere, but I don't get to spend much time with him and I actually invited him to stay with me. Dad is not a big drinker, either am I. The rest of my family is. Dad does not want to stay I'm the provided accommodation due to the drinking and likely carrying on that goes with it.
Mum cannot stay at the provided accommodation as it is with Dads family. They all had a falling out after the divorce. I want to ask my Mum to find somewhere else to stay, so my Dad can stay with me. Dad is pressuring me to tell Mum to stay somewhere else.
I have not told my Mum yet about Dad wanting to stay, or being invited to. I should have when she invited herself over, but I feel like a 10 year old kid again too shy and emotional to say anything. My boyfriend has offered to speak to my Mum and arrange accommodation for her and her friends. But I feel like I'm almost 30, I should be able to just tell my Mum to stay elsewhere. I feel really guilty and upset about the thought of doing this.
My brother said he could just disinvite Mum and that would be the end. But he is being dramatic (although trying to look out for me and my feelings). My brother offered to deal with it, but it is his wedding and he should focus on that. Am I the A Hole if I tell my Mum to find alternate accommodation?
Here's what top commenters had to say:
JanetInSpain said:
You INVITED your dad. Your mom invited herself. You tell her NO. Say, "Sorry Mom but I don't have room for you and your friends. I've invited someone else to stay here. You'll have to find other accommodations." Stick to that.
You MUST stick up for yourself (and your dad). It would be incredibly hurtful to your dad to uninvite him just because you don't want drama. You have to grow a spine and deal with this as an adult. NTA unless you wimp out.
EnthusiasmLow3388 said:
NTA on Steroids, Not The AHole !!!! Now that part is cleared up. WTF is your mother's mental state that she can just invite herself and two friends to stay at your house. Good Heavens. I have a great relationship with all of my kids and I would never be so presumptuous as to invite myself to stay at their houses. Not to mention the whole history the two of you have. Do you know the friends she has invited? How awkward if one was someone she is in a relationship with.
Lastly, you mentioned your BF trying to help. That is a huge sign of a good partner. When this all blows over, make sure you say Thank You and let him know that you appreciate him. It would have been easy for him to just stand back and not get involved with your family drama.
Solution: Email, text, call and just say "Sorry, but you and your guests can not invite yourself into my house and I already have other plans" End of discussion.
FlyGuy1922 said:
NTA. But seriously just tell your mum that your dad was invited first and he is staying at yours.
boredathome1962 said:
NTA. But do it now. "Sorry Mum, but Dad is staying with me, so you can't. Nor can your friends." Then repeat. If Mum really wants a relationship with you she will accept. She has a bloody nerve inviting other people to stay at yours, that's darn cheeky.
Aggressive_Hearing40 said:
NTA. Call your mom, be straightforward about her need to make alternative arrangements for herself and her friends Don’t send a text or email or anything, just call and keep it brief, to the point.
It’s nothing personal, you just can’t accommodate so many people in your home and you get to choose who stays under your roof or not. The end. The sooner you do it the better you’ll feel and the sooner the weight is off your shoulders.
YWBTA if you drag things out and that leaves her scrambling for a place for her friends and self. If she gets upset and chooses to disinvite herself and her buddies from the wedding, then so be it. Your brother gets to save some of the cost of the wedding. Don’t overthink it.
9smalltowngirl said:
NTA time for you to take control of these relationships. “Mom you can’t stay here because I invited dad to stay here already. Next time you need to ask me what my plans are before inviting yourself to my home. BF and I can help arranging you and your friends alternate accommodations if you’d like.”
When she gets pissy with you just shut it down. Tell her your not doing this anymore. Do you want help finding somewhere else to stay or not? This is a her problem not a you problem so shut it down.