Woman tells mom the truth: 'I always knew the real reason I wasn't a donor for my sick sister.' AITA?

"AITA for telling my mom I always knew my dad was the reason I wasn't a bone marrow donor for my half sister?"

So the donating stuff happened 12 years ago. I (20f) was 8 at the time. My parents were divorced and shared custody of me, my older brother and my younger brother. Mom was remarried and had my half sister Evie with her husband.

Evie was born with leukemia and at first they thought other treatment had worked, but then she needed bone marrow. They couldn't find a match in the adults in both sides of her family and there were no matches on the donor list. So my mom wanted to test me and my brothers.

Our dad said no, and mom went behind her back and got us tested and I was the only match. Dad wasn't okay with that, and he made sure mom went no further. I did some research a few years ago and I realize that this is already sorta uncertain territory, and the only reason I would've been considered is because of the sibling angle, but kids are typically not allowed to be bone marrow donors.

I was kept out of it at the time, as were my brothers, but my older brother and I knew what was going on. We weren't young enough to not at least figure some stuff out. My younger brother knew mom and dad fought a lot, but weren't aware of all the details.

In the end, my dad stopped me from being a donor. It did have long lasting effects and my mom and her husband hate my dad for it. My mom had a big problem with me and my brothers having a good relationship with dad as we got older, and she was upset we all chose to live primarily with him in our mid to late teens.

The fact me and my younger brother live with dad still bothers her so much more. And she asked me how I could live with him recently and she told me all about dad stopping me from donating bone marrow to my half sister.

Mom talked about it like I was supposed to be angry at dad. She clearly still is. She said my half sister's long term health could've been so much better if she'd gotten the transplant way sooner than she did, and been able to recover faster.

I know that was mentioned that she was sick for too long to fully recover in a way that didn't have a lifelong impact. But anyway, mom was ranting about dad and how he stopped me and I told mom I knew. Mom didn't look like she believed me at first but I told her I always knew.

Mom raged at me for the best part of an hour, and yeah I let her, and then she asked me how I could make the decision to live with my dad after that. I told her he made the right decision and I was glad he did it.

I was glad he fought for me. My mom told me she couldn't look at me and didn't know how to handle me being her daughter anymore. She told me it was disgusting and then she said my poor half sister would be crushed to know how I felt.

After that my brothers told her they knew too. My younger brother said he found out in his teens and it made sense. So mom's basically disowned us all now. And she said there's something heartless about us. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

WhisperingFayee said:

You were a kid. Your dad protected you. That’s not heartless, it’s love.

LuckSpare4756 said:

NTA. Your mom wanted to sacrifice her 8-year-old child for another child, and she’s mad you’re not thanking her for it. That’s not motherly love that’s tunnel vision and guilt projection.

Your dad didn’t stop you from being a good person, he protected a literal child from a painful and risky procedure that even medical ethics boards hesitate to approve in minors. You were a match, not a miracle cure, and it’s not your fault your half-sister suffered longer. That’s a tragedy but trying to place that weight on your back is beyond cruel.

The fact that your mom is more upset about you living with your dad than about your well-being back then says everything. She’s mad you aren’t punishing him for protecting you. That’s not heartless that’s just not being manipulated.

SkylahMystique said:

NTA. A child should not have to suffer because a parent decided to make a medical decision that could potentially put BOTH of you in danger. Your mother may have been thinking with grief for her young daughter, but she was NOT thinking about the potential side-affects for you. Your father was the only one advocating for you at such a young age.

Have you read the book "My Sister's Keeper" by Jodi Picoult? Or watched the movie based on this book? The youngest sister was chosen to be a genetic match to her older sister in the womb. She spent most of her childhood in and out of hospital as her sister's "spare parts."

In the end she decided to sue her parents for medical emancipation at the age of 13. Your story reminds me of this, because even she did not have anyone see her as a PERSON until 13. Your father literally did what any parent should do: protect his child. Even if it's against your literal mother.

Scary-Antelope-3933 said:

NTA. You need to be at least 18 to donate bone marrow is almost all countries. Your dad protected you. Your mother should not have tested you behind your father’s back when he said no the first time

ececacademic said:

NTA. The fact your mom tried to force you into that situation in the first place is despicable (especially age 8 where it’s very ethically questionable to gain informed consent). Your dad prioritized what was best for you, and the fact that your mom still holds it against him and you now - it shows where her priorities lie, and it’s not with you.

boggers11 said:

Your dad made the decision because he loves you, his main priority was your health. Seems like your mum wasn’t as worried about your health because she wouldn’t have asked you to be a donor in the first place. There is a reason they don’t allow children to be donors.

I get she was worried about your half sister and it would have been horrible for her but risking your health was not the way to help your half sister. Tell her that next time she is ranting why is my sisters health worth more to you than mine mom. NTA.

aztex_tiger said:

NTA. Your mom wasn’t and isn’t thinking about all her children. She’s not thinking about how painful it would have been to extract bone marrow from you. Right now a fresh wound has been reopened. She might calm down. But don’t be surprised if she tries to “mend fences”one day but then throws this back in your face to guilt you into something. Don’t fall for it