Woman tells SIL to stop 'playing poor' around her kids. AITA?

"AITA for telling my sister-in-law to stop “Playing poor” around my kids?"

My sister-in-law "Lily" has been close with my family ever since her divorce recent divorce. She’s had a bit of a rough time financially since then, so she’s really embraced the “simple life.” She often talks about how she doesn’t need much, how money is a distraction, and how “having less is freeing.”

My kids are 11 and 12, and Lily’s started babysitting them sometimes. But I’ve noticed that after hanging out with her, they make little comments like, “Why do we need a big house?” or, “Why buy new clothes if we don’t really need them?”

To be clear, I’m all for teaching gratitude, but I also feel it’s important for my kids to see that success and comfort don’t have to be negative things. I didn’t grow up with much, and my husband and I worked hard to build our life so that our kids could have opportunities we didn’t have. I don’t want them feeling guilty for what we have, but Lily’s influence seems to be making them second-guess our lifestyle.

When I asked her (as gently as I could) to stop making these comments around my kids, Lily was hurt and said I was “trying to erase her reality” and accused me of being “materialistic.”

She said it’s her duty to show them the world isn’t all about money and things, which I get, but I think there’s a line between that and making them feel uncomfortable about our lifestyle. The conversation got heated after Lily called me materialistic and I snapped and told her to “just stop playing poor.”

Now, my husband’s family thinks I’m overreacting and says Lily’s just sharing her values. His mum fed said that I’m being snobby or trying to shelter my kids from other viewpoints. AITA for telling her to keep her simple living talk away from my kids?

Edit to add - I have no issues answering my kids questions, what I have an issue with is the guilt Lily is trying to teach them to feel for having a nice home and needing new clothes.

Let's see what readers thought:

Aguhy writes:

You said your kids asked “why buy new clothes if we don’t really need them,” and if you’re saying that you buy them clothes because they’re clothes don’t fit them anymore, you answer simply is “you do need new clothes because yours no longer fit.”

If you are buying kids new clothes that they don’t need, then that’s a legit question to discuss with them. If they don’t want unnecessary new clothes that’s great, stop buying them. Just because you’re financially comfortable doesn’t mean you need to spend unnecessarily.

geatty writes:

YTA. Your guilt is showing. If you have reasons for what you do, share those reasons with your kids and let them decide what their value set is. Your kids will believe different things than you and that’s okay. Sounds like you feel bad about your lifestyle and are blaming your friend and the kids for it.

ahtghg67 writes:

YTA - you just don’t like having to actually parent so you’re just trying to control the adults around your kids.

That’s terrible parenting! You’re supposed to allow them to have differing opinions and views in their lives so they make their OWN choices on what they think is acceptable for their life.

Answer the questions, and maybe you might find some answers to other questions, like why you are averse to your kids aunt being taken seriously by them.

agbuou writes:

NTA. Your SIL isn’t wrong to teach that a measure of frugality is a valuable life lesson. However, arguing with you about the issue as it relates to your children is out of line on her part. You get to live how you want to live. She gets to live how she wants to live.

When she is actively opposing your wishes regarding how your kids are treated then the simple and direct result is that her access to your children is reduced or eliminated.

Your children should not be crying over the need to buy clothes that fit properly. When that is the result of the “lessons” from your SIL then she no longer should be babysitting.

felisne writes:

Here is the thing, your kids are at the age where they discover the world and ask a lot of questions. The whole discussion might ha e started from them asking their Aunt : "Aunty, why do you have the same old clothes with holes? Aunty, why di you live in such a small house? "

and then your sister was a bit ashamed of it and spinned it into : "Well i have clothes that fit me and i care for the environment, so i don't want to over consume" and "Well i live alone and im not that big, so i don't need a big house".

This isn't bad for your kids to know. Even if she is poor and lives a simple life, she spins it as a glass half full instead of a glass half empty.

Now, you seem to take offense that your kids are now not wanting to be materialistic. They have another authority figure that explained to them that they don't need to own everything to be happy. But they are just asking questions because they are at the age of learning how the world works.

You should just let them ask questions and answer them how you can. You seem to have over reacted and attacked your sister in law. So yes, YTA.