Woman tells sister, 'You're being a bridezilla; your friend Ruby DIDN'T ruin your wedding!' AITA? UPDATED 4X
When this woman tells her sister that she shouldn't be that upset about what happened at her wedding, she asks the internet:
"AITA for telling my sister that she should have expected to be outshone by her best friend at her wedding?"
My sister “Anne” (29F) has been best friends with “Ruby” (30F) for as long as I (25F) can remember, so growing up Ruby was like a second big sister to me.
One thing that is important to note is that Ruby has always had the most outrageous fashion sense possible. She’s the person that would wear those runway outfits that you think no-one would actually wear.
Anne got engaged pre-COVID. Almost as soon as it happened she started being really weird to Ruby.
When she made me maid of honour I was kind of surprised because they’ve always sworn to be the MOH at each other’s weddings, but I am her blood sister so it wasn’t that weird.
But I was completely blown away when she made a groupchat and I found out that Ruby wasn’t even a bridesmaid. Both me and my mum tried to talk to her about it since we figured they had an argument or something but she would only say that Ruby didn’t care anyway.
I know that Ruby was hurt but she didn’t want any drama so I agreed to let it go. Throughout the whole wedding process my mum kept asking Anne if she would invite Ruby, if she would ask Ruby’s opinion, etc. etc. but Anne refused to have any contact with her or talk about anything wedding-related with her whatsoever.
On Saturday my sister was married. She had a beautiful outside, socially distanced wedding. But she was SEETHING the whole time because of Ruby’s dress.
It wasn’t at all outrageous by Ruby’s standards so I don't believe that she wanted to outshine my sister. She wore quite a simple wedding dress but that was her choice! As MOH I of course went to her fitting and that was literally the one she chose.
Anne has been cursing Ruby out and saying that their friendship is over ever since (like she hadn’t been ignoring her all through lockdown …) Finally I just said that she’s been friends with Ruby most of her life and she knows what she dresses like and that she should have expected this??
If it was that much of a problem she should have found a way to mention it to her … OR just made her a bridesmaid.
Anne LOST it with me. She sent Ruby some really horrible messages after she screamed at me. She didn’t say a word to me all of yesterday but she’s badmouthing me to our dad who is on her side.
My mum has told Anne that she should apologise to Ruby for the nasty messages she sent and for yelling at me so Anne isn’t talking to her either.
I don’t even know what’s going on but Ruby swears on her life that they didn’t have an argument or anything pre-COVID. Anne says that that’s none of my business and I should be supporting my “real” sister. My dad agrees with her and she’s rallied the other bridesmaids against me so idk, AITA?
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
conff writes:
NTA: Your sister created her own drama here, not Ruby. There were SO many ways around what happened (which it doesn't even sound like was that big of a deal). Talk to Ruby about what she wears to the wedding (kinda bridezilla but still, she's her friend), make her a bridesmaid (literally the easiest solution ever)
or just don't invite her (if there was some big falling out, which I suspect maybe there is because this just seems really weird). Not your circus, not your flying red monkeys.
consistentlanguage8 writes:
YTA, and so is your mom, though I think you mean well. You guys need to butt out of Anne's life. She obviously doesn't want to be close to Ruby anymore. You guys keep pushing and prioritizing Ruby over Anne . Maybe Anne overreacted, but its been building for at least months.
" I know that Ruby was hurt but she didn’t want any drama so I agreed to let it go." Anne gets to choose her bridesmaids. What you or your mom think doesn't really matter. Sounds like you dropped it because it's what Ruby wants not because you respect what Anne wants AT HER WEDDING.
"Throughout the whole wedding process my mum kept asking Anne if she would invite Ruby, if she would ask Ruby’s opinion, etc. etc. but Anne refused to have any contact with her or talk about anything wedding-related with her whatsoever."
Now your mom made Anne's wedding about Ruby ignoring the very clear signs Anne doesn't want anything to do with Ruby.
"Anne suddenly wasn't talking to Ruby anymore. My mum and I weren't trying to be controlling, we were worried! We assumed that something really bad had happened for them to cut contact overnight. When Anne refused to talk about it my mum was only more worried because she's normally an open book."
You were being controlling, Anne's an adult she doesn't need you to manage her relationships. Maybe what happened was really embarrassing for Anne. Maybe Ruby did something horrible that made Anne see her in a different light and Anne keeping quiet about it to be the bigger person/not turn people away from Ruby. It doesn't even have to be directed at Anne.
Overall, your sister didn't want to be friends anymore you and your should have just respected that.
ff6 writes:
YTA. Clearly there is something going on between your sister and Ruby that you don't know about, should have just stayed out of it.
Also, am I the only one here who thinks that Ruby's dress is still inappropriate for a wedding???? Sure wearing white at a wedding is an obvious faux pas, but really anything that is going to call attention to yourself and away from the marrying couple is a pretty big etiquette no-no.
A bright red, tight, shiny, body-con dress is absolutely going to be attention grabbing, so it's OBVIOUSLY not appropriate for a wedding. One doesn't wear a dress like that to blend in, they do it when they want attention.
I'm sure Ruby would have been equally beautiful in a variety of colors, and if she is as in to fashion as you say, I can guarantee that she had other things she could have worn.
Edit: TIL I’m not actually a 33yo queer woman who has worked as a professional event planner for the past decade, but rather a no-personality grandma raised in a puritanical culture bc I said dressing like a club rat is inappropriate for a wedding.... who knew?
perpendi7 writes:
YTA - your whole post says that no one was respecting the bride's choice of bridal party and kept pressuring her to involve people that she didn't want involved. You and your mom also seem to think that you have the right to control who she wants to be friends with even though she is an adult.
This was really inappropriate of you and your mother and your final dig at her that she should have followed YOUR orders about who to have in the bridal party was really out of line.
Whatever the issue is between Ruby and Anne is their business and Anne doesn't need to gossip to all of you in order to get you to respect her choice of who she is close to. The fact that Anne won't talk about it means that whatever it was that happened was NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS yet you and the mom kept digging at it and violating her boundaries. You are too invested in controlling another adult's relationships.
There are traditional colors you are NOT supposed to wear to a wedding. White (because that is supposed to be a bride), Black (because that is signaling mourning at a wedding), and Red. She was wearing a tight body con red dress.
elemanat6 writes:
NTA. It does kind of sound like Anna might be sensing some, real or not, preference for Ruby from you guys, which might be why she's not telling you wtf is going on though. That she's telling you that you should be supporting your "real" sister and how annoying about Ruby your mom has unintentionally been throughout this whole process.
I haven't seen anyone else advise this, at least blatantly, but I think it would be helpful to reassure her that you and your mum both love and trust her more than Ruby and that they just want to know what's going on because this isn't like her at all.
It should be a happy period of time for Anna but clearly whatever happened with Ruby is lying too heavily to ignore. Damn I want to know what happened lmao.
dorkydorkson writes:
ESH. You should not have said that she should have expected to be outshone. She shouldn't have "expected to be outshone", that is literally saying that she is so plain and unremarkable in comparison to her best friend that she should have anticipated having to play second fiddle on one of the most important days of her life.
The bride and groom should literally be the centre of attention. Its their party, their day, they have paid for all friends and family to be there to watch them. As someone with a sister that is 'the pretty one', it is quite depressing always being compared to someone else, and always feeling like an ugly little frump, no matter what you wear or how good you feel before.
HOWEVER, your sister shouldnt have been rude, its very uncalled for.
touchyrustspoon writes:
NTA. There is definitely more to this story that you don't know. I saw your edit about the fight over her being best woman or maid of honour. There's probably more to that as well. My first inclination is that the groom has said or done something to give your sister reason to be suspicious or jealous.
Ruby may be completely innocent and your sisters anger is misplaced but I'd say the groom had feelings for her. I used to be friends with a girl I worked with. One day she just turned on me with no explanation. Soon all of the other girls followed suit and everyone hated me. It was horrible.
I was bullied for about a year until I finally quit. One day, out of the blue, the girl who I'd previously been friends with messaged me and asked if we could meet up and talk.
Turns out the reason she turned on me was because her boyfriend had told her he had feelings for me and that if he could have me he'd choose me over her. Apparently he went as far as to call her my name during sex.
She had misplaced her anger and taken it out on me. Even told everyone at work I had come on to her bf and when he rejected me accused him of rape which is why everyone else turned on me too. They had eventually broken up and she'd realized what she had done to me and wanted to apologize.
And now, OP's 1st update:
Just to clear some things up: Ruby didn't wear a wedding dress or anything really outrageous. It was a dark red, bodycon dress in a satiny material. There were lots of people in form-fitting dresses (the bridesmaids were wearing them!!!)
and she didn't look out of place. EDIT AGAIN: some of you people are ridiculous lmao, assuming the absolute worse case scenario. It wasn't a spaghetti strap dress that just barely covered her butt. It was an appropriate length and had long sleeves.
If this needs saying twice: the BRIDESMAIDS were wearing bodycon dresses. So were many other guests. It wasn't a particularly traditional affair, nobody was offended by our figures, Ruby's dress didn't massively stick out.
Ruby IS very attractive. She always has been but I never thought it was an issue for Anne before.
Ruby and Anne had been best friends for 25 years (they didn't grow apart or anything, they stayed in constant contact even as adults) and then Anne suddenly wasn't talking to Ruby anymore.
My mum and I weren't trying to be controlling, we were worried! We assumed that something really bad had happened for them to cut contact overnight. When Anne refused to talk about it my mum was only more worried because she's normally an open book.
I don't love Ruby more than Anne or anything like that. The only reason I'm so close to Ruby is because ANNE used to be so close to Ruby. They were basically inseperable so I grew up tagging after both of them. Of course I love Anne very much, I just think she's being unreasonable in this situation.
Ruby was always going to be at the actual wedding. The phrasing was bad on my part, sorry. When my mum was suggesting that Anne invite Ruby it was to wedding prep things like dress shopping etc.
I don't know if "Dave" (groom) has feelings for Ruby. I have never thought that, they've met many times and there's never been any signs that he does.
I definitely do not think it is an affair because then surely my sister wouldn't want to marry Dave and neither would want Ruby at the wedding at all. Ruby doesn't have a history of going after Anne's boyfriends or crushes.
Update 2:
UPDATE: Based on some of the advice I'm receiving I was going to tell Anne this morning how much she means for me and that I'm there for her, but she's seething again so I'm not trying to.
Dave asked me if I could talk to Anne, because they've also apparently had a massive fight because he tried to defend Ruby on the wedding night. He asked me if I could explain where he misstepped and how to make it up to her.
This is the first time he's ever asked me for help with their relationship so he's clearly at a loss. I said I was just as confused and we didn't even know why she wasn't in the bridal party so he should just try and talk it out with Anne.
THIS is when it gets weird. Dave said that the reason Ruby wasn't in either wedding party was because he wanted her as a "Best Woman" and Anne wanted her as a Maid of Honour, but Anne wouldn't budge and said that they should just drop her from both parties to be fair.
He said that she explained it to Ruby and that's why they had a fight, because Ruby wanted to be included. I said okay and just hung up but the more I think about it the more confused I am.
If they had a massive fight about Ruby being Maid of Honour, surely Ruby would remember? Also, I don't know why Dave would want Ruby as his Best Woman when to my understanding he only met her after he started dating Anne.
I really am taking your advice not to meddle to heart (which is a nightmare because now my curiosity is totally piqued) so I won't bring it up. It's possible that this is all I'll ever know and this will bug me to my grave but I have made a vow not to push Anne anymore on it.
Thank you everyone for your comments. Thank you all the NTA people for reassuring me that I'm not the one acting crazy, thank you also to all the helpful YTA/ESH verdicts that helped me see how I could change my behaviour in future to be a more supportive sister.
Update 3:
Dave called me up about 30 mins ago asking me (in a very angry tone of voice) if any of his groomsmen behaved inappropriately towards me. I asked what and he asked again. I could hear Anne in the background shouting something. I said that they had been perfect gentlemen at the wedding and that I hadn't had any contact with them since.
He then asked me if Ruby knew that she was meant to be Best Woman. I said not to my understanding but it was possible that I don't know as both she and Anne had been quite secretive about what happened between them and that he'd be better off asking them themselves.
He laughed and hung up. Ruby has texted me asking me what's happening and if I knew about the Best Woman/Maid of Honour thing. Just now, I got a message from one of the bridesmaids saying that if Dave calls me I shouldn't answer him. Anne is on the phone to my dad (screaming, it sounds like).
I have no clue what's going on but I think somewhere in this mess is the truth of what actually happened. Everything seems to be exploding, I now think that the bridesmaids or at least that particular one are involved and if things keep happening at this pace I think I should eventually find out what in the flying f is happening!!
Update 4:
There has been a LOT of shouting and tears today, honestly I'm exhausted but so many people have commented for the update so here it is. I’m still kind of in shock. Anne has been lying to just about everyone.
The story is VERY complicated and long. This list is actually what I used to wrap my own head around it. It’s all the facts I have in chronological order.
Dave has been to jail and is an ex drug addict. He met Ruby BEFORE he met Anne: after he recovered, he was really struggling with money and Ruby helped him a lot. He considers her to be one of his closest friends.
Two years later Dave was doing well at his job and much more stable and functional. Around this time Ruby introduced him to Anne.
Anne was very reluctant to have a relationship with Dave because of his past but she had strong feelings for him. Eventually they began dating but she was still ashamed of the person he used to be, so she told us that they met over a dating app. Dave consented to this at the time.
As Dave became more comfortable with himself and the relationship became more serious, he told Anne that she needed to be honest with us about his history. She agreed to tell us but she didn’t.
She told Dave that she had and wrote a FAKE LETTER from my family about how we were really grateful for his honesty and accepted him. She told Ruby that my parents had reacted really badly, so Ruby never brought it up with Dave or my family because she thought it was still a very sensitive topic.
When Dave proposed, Anne started freaking out about the wedding. Dave wanted people from his support group to be there, Ruby as his Best Woman etc. which would expose the lies. But she still didn’t want to tell us who Dave was or Dave that she had lied to him, so she decided to continue lying instead of coming clean.
So, Anne: Pretended to be really upset that she couldn’t have Ruby as her MOH so she could make the argument that that she should be dropped from both wedding parties.
She told Dave that she had explained their decision to Ruby and that Ruby had taken issue with it to keep him happy. In reality, she knew that if Ruby knew she was meant to be Best Woman, it could easily get back to me and my mum, and then raise questions from us about Ruby’s relationship with Dave.
So she didn’t tell Ruby anything at all and that’s why Ruby was so confused about what happened and couldn’t think of anything.
Told Dave and all of his friends from his support group that they shouldn’t mention the addiction in speeches or even casual conversation because it was a sensitive subject for certain family members before the wedding.
Told the bridesmaids SO many lies about Ruby. She told them that she had a habit of causing scenes, that she was going to try and sleep with the groomsmen, that one of them was an ex-boyfriend of hers that dumped her, that she would get way too drunk.
Essentially she painted Ruby as a disaster waiting to happen so the bridesmaids wouldn’t like her and also so that they could keep her away from certain people (specifically the ones that also knew Dave) at the wedding.
Anne also told the bridesmaids that only reason that Ruby was invited is because I idolise her so they wouldn’t repeat any of the lies she told to me.
7. After the wedding, Anne put on her enormous meltdown about the dress. The bridesmaids obviously didn’t have a very positive opinion on Ruby so they were easy to convince that it was meant as a genuine slight.
My dad did what Anne apparently expected everyone to do by caving immediately because she was the bride. If me and my mum had done the same Anne would basically have used it as an excuse to cut Ruby out of everyone’s life.
8. She tried to do the same thing with Dave’s groomsmen by insisting to him that they had said inappropriate things about the bridesmaids. The idea was to basically remove anybody that knew the truth about Dave from the general social circle so it wouldn’t come up again.
9. Dave smelt a rat. He asked what exactly the issue was with Ruby’s dress and what exactly his friends had said. Anne panicked and accused him of not loving her, choosing his friends over her etc. and it turned into a massive argument. Dave was mad and very suspicious so he started calling people up trying to figure out what happened.
10. A couple of the bridesmaids said that Anne was telling the truth about the groomsmen (she asked/pressured them to) but most were kind of weirded out by the request and I think they successfully got that across to Dave.
He called me to ask if I knew what was going on. Anne told Dave that I was just like him caring about Ruby more than her, and also that I wasn’t there when it happened, but the timing of the story didn’t match up so Dave called me anyway. That was the weird phone call.
11. At this point he knew she was spouting BS so he asked her upfront what was going on. She broke down and told Dave everything.
12. He was fuming. He texted us all to let us know about his past and then basically kicked Anne out. She came to us where she then had to explain again everything.
Anne is absolutely shaken. I never considered her capable of this kind of deception and manipulation and I don’t think she has ever done something like this before.
Contrary to what some commenters seem to believe I don’t hate my sister. I feel sorry for her even though I’m really hurt by what she did because she feels so guilty and absolutely miserable because she’s worried that things will never be worked out with Dave.
She’s gone to bed now very upset because our mum won’t even look at her. She’s fuming that Anne would deceive and hurt her and so many other people like this, I do understand where she’s coming from. My dad is also very shocked and hurt.
Anne texted Ruby. She sent her a message explaining and apologising but obviously Ruby is really angry and upset. She just told her that she couldn’t speak to her right now but maybe she’d call her in the morning once they’d both had a chance to calm down.
Dave is probably the most hurt out of everyone and I understand why. He wouldn’t speak to Anne but he did tell me that he really thought that he had our acceptance and that the letter she had written to him had been his most treasured possession ever since he received it and to find out that it was false was absolutely crushing.
I told him that we did accept him for who he was and that nobody blamed him but I don’t think it helped much. He has asked for distance from our family and I understand why. I’m not sure when he’ll be willing to speak to Anne again or if he wants to be her husband after this. I wouldn’t blame him if he goes on to find someone else.
It turned out everyone was way off base although I don't think anyone could have predicted this. but a lot of the comments were very insightful and gave me food for thought despite everyone kind of looking in the wrong directions. (Except the weirdos about the dress. You know who you are.)