My older sister Izzie (31f) and I (27f) are very different when it comes to relationships and view of relationships. Izzie believes in the whole 4 year rule, where if you're with a dude for 4 years and he hasn't proposed to you, he never will, he's not serious about you and he's a walking red flag.
She broke up with her HS sweetheart at 21 because he didn't propose after 5 years together, and she talked about giving him an extra year since they were both in college. That was the only reason.
She said she'll always love him and wish they had worked out. She broke up with her next partner after 3.5 years because he showed no signs of wanting to get married yet and she broke up with another guy just a few months ago because he told her that's BS and there is no right timeline for marriage and kids unless you're really rushing.
Izzie talks about this sh$t non-stop. She tells people to break up with their partners because the other hasn't proposed, especially straight girls and gay guys she knows. She truly believes a relationship is at the end of the line after 4 years of no proposal. But I have told her I do not believe the same.
I have committed the great sin of having two children with my long term partner/boyfriend of 12 years. But we're not engaged, we do live together and we live like we're married in ways. But neither of us is in a great hurry to get married. I don't need to be married honestly.
I'm fine without it. We're happy. But Izzie always call it BS and she told me I can't be happy with a guy who'll knock me up but not give me his last name. I told her I don't want his last name. And did she ever think he might want mine some day.
It got worse when we announced I was expecting again. When our second child was born a month ago she just couldn't stop saying this to me and questioning my boyfriend on why not propose, why he was using me, how many baby mamas does he really have.
He fired back that our relationship is more stable and happy than hers were because of her stupid rules of engagement and marriage. I told her to leave for insulting my boyfriend.
A few days ago I was picking something up from my dad, Izzie was there. She accused me of being dumb and naive and of ruining my life by accepting a relationship he clearly doesn't want and she told me why her 4 year rule makes sense and I lost it. I told her to f right off and keep her opinions to herself because I don't want to hear them all the time.
Izzie said I didn't need to be rude and should be more open to what she's saying because she's only trying to help me and support me like sisters are supposed to. Then she said I'm just an ungrateful b who doesn't appreciate love and support. AITA?
citrushibiscus said:
Your sister sounds like she heard that bad advice somewhere and when it didn’t work out by the second time in her 20’s she started getting desperate and jealous of everyone who was still in a relationship. NTA, some introspection would do her good.
Away_Refuse8493 said:
NTA, but you are discussing apples and oranges, and I'm not sure either of you see this. You've been with your boyfriend since you were 15. You have two kids together. She is totally inappropriate for vocalizing it, but if you haven't made it absolutely clear (and it is absolutely the god's honest truth) that you do NOT want to marry your boyfriend, she is asking the (rude) question that everyone is wondering...
...Why aren't you married? Do you want to be married? Not "We are in no rush." Of course, you aren't. It's been 12 years and 2 kids. Your sister WANTS to be married, and she wants that more than she wants a loving relationship. She is not alone, in that. I know loads of people who have done the same for exactly the same reason.
I have another friend who dated her boyfriend for 17 years, loved him, mourned the kids they never had, waited for him through his long periods of unemployment, etc, and they finally just ran off to Vegas and eloped.
I know someone else who dated someone for around a decade, "was basically married", but then he ran off with a girl he worked with and was married within a year (and he realized that the original girlfriend "wasn't the one").
Your sister is stupidly using arbitrary rules, but they are also (to some extent) true. There is a reason you all "aren't ready" (and it can be simply you don't want to get married, but you keep saying "no rush"). I don't think your sister is jealous. I think she actually thinks you are getting played, and now she has two niblings that may also get played.
bunnylla said:
NTA the audacity of your sister to spread her unsolicited opinions on relationship and marriage when she herself isn't in what she would view a successful one.
piqueboo369 said:
NTA. And how does this even make sense? Having a child is way more of a commitment than marrying someone.
cassowary32 said:
NTA. Your sister is right to an extent. If you want to get married, it’s dumb to waste years on someone who doesn’t want to marry you and 4 years is long enough to know. Though maybe not when you are under 25, your brain isn’t done cooking yet. There is a timeline, the only way to not have one is to freeze her eggs.
You DON’T want to get married so that doesn’t apply. Just make sure you have all your ducks in a row about your estate planning/life insurance in case something happens to either you or your boyfriend. Marriage does offer some protections when it comes to a split but most of that can be taken care of with a lawyer while you still like each other.
You don’t mention college or a job but I do hope you have a way of supporting yourself. You also don’t mention your boyfriend’s age. Staying long term with someone you met at 15 is pretty rare. I’m glad you and your boyfriend are growing together and I wish you the best. She needs to back off.
eeekkk111 said:
NTA just continue what makes you happy and not rush in getting married because of external factors, being married does not guarantee a happy relationship and it will last forever.
You can tell your sister of that is how she wants to live her life then she can continue tondo so but needs to back off from yours. She has express her unsolicited advice countless of times and you have heard it already so she needs to shut it.