Woman tells husband to choose PlayStation over marriage; is called a hypocrite. AITA?
"AITA for telling my husband to choose his PlayStation over our marriage…"
I (34F) have been with my husband (41M) for 15 years and married for 11 years of those years. We have a 7 year old daughter. We are intimate maybe once a year since our daughter was born. I’m always the one that has to initiate any type of intimacy.
When we do it’s hard to get him to stay up and it’s a lot of work on my end. He’s seen a Dr and there’s no issues with labs and he won’t take the “little blue pill," because he says he doesn’t need it and doesn’t have an issue.
My husband has always blamed our lack of intimacy on our daughter since she slept in the bed with us. I’ll try to get him to go in a different room and there’s always some excuse like he’s too tired, but then he will go up to our game room and play his video games.
Our daughter has slept in her own room for over 6 months now and nothing has changed. His excuse is still well our daughter has slept in the bed with us all this time.
My husband is a good person and a good dad. He works hard for his family; he works 60 hours a week, but besides paying the bills, that’s the extent of it. He says he’s tired and tells me I don’t understand the stress of having to take care of the family financially.
I work 40 hours a week, have a small business, make all of our appointments, do anything related to our daughter, I’m classroom mom, on PTO, and do all household choirs: I do all laundry, cleaning, make meals, grocery shopping, take vehicles for oil changes, yard work (I mow and take care of 2.5 acres), and take trash cans out.
I do pay some of our bills and I pay for all of our daughter’s extra curricular activities which definitely adds up. He just thinks my load of work and contributions does not amount to what he does.
This past week I got on his phone, because he saves reels on fb for me; normally funny stuff and recipes he wants me to try. I saw in his search history all of these s%$ier girls and groups he’s been looking at, which really pushed me over the edge.
I wouldn’t be mad if he came to me for intimacy and I denied him. I confronted him about it and he says he doesn’t look that stuff up and I told him I’m not naive and it’s clear as day. Then the next day he says yea he clicks on those girls 'profiles and groups because he’s a man and likes to look.
He’s been locking his Gameroom recently while in there and when he says he’s sleeping I know he’s playing his PS and I guess now he also looks at these different profiles.
I’ve seen lotion up there a long time ago while cleaning and had asked him about it and he swears he’s not pleasuring himself, but I’m not stupid and naive. I really just hate being lied to.
He says I’m a hypocrite because I watch adult videos, but I wouldn’t watch that and take care of my needs if he would be intimate with me. It’s also not like I’m going to a specific person or their profile when I do pull up a video. I’ve also been honest with him.
I admit I am a hypocrite and guess I’m just hurt, because it just seems it’s me. To me it feels he’s not attracted to me or just doesn’t seem to want me. He says he doesn’t really have a drive and that’s what I had thought but after seeing what he likes to click on I feel he just doesn’t have a drive towards me.
Looks wise people tell him he definitely leveled up. Overall I take care of myself and put effort into my looks. I’m definitely not the hottest or most beautiful, but I’m not bad looking. He’s overweight, short, and balding. Why do I feel like now I don’t look good enough for him or excite him enough to be with?
I told him I want him to get rid of all of the gaming stuff and to not be locked upstairs and to spend more time with me and our family or it’s time for us to divorce. He said he’s not giving up his gaming stuff and doesn’t see how that’s the problem.
He told me that I’m going to ruin our family, because all I want is to be physical. I’m just tired of begging. I feel I shouldn’t be begging for intimacy, affection, and him being present with his family.
I do so much for everyone and tired of not getting anything in return. I’m tired of putting my wants and needs last. I’m tired of begging him to hangout with us and do family stuff. The only thing that excites him is to go upstairs in the game room and play his video games and I guess now I know he likes to do other stuff as well.
We’ve done the counseling stuff here and there and it gets better for a bit but then goes back to our normal. So am I the ahole and a hypocrite? Am I in the wrong and taking things too far?
EDITS:
Editing to add this about our child sleeping in the bed with us. We both allowed her to sleep in the bed with us. I had tried to boot her out to her own room sooner, but my husband kept saying she wasn’t ready. She’d cry and it was a lot of work and bribery to get her in her own room.
Editing to add another note: There’s definitely two sides to every story and you’re just getting mine. We both have different love languages. Mine is affection and physical touch and his is acts of service.
He likes a clean and tidy house and I do my best to keep up with everything home wise. I tried talking to him what makes me happy and what I want but he’s not listening to me.
I feel like a spoiled brat at times because yes he provides financially well for us and I don’t go without. It just sucks. I want to be seen again. We used to be such a team and it’s a pissing contest of who does what.
My husband really isn’t a bad person or dad. Our daughter is definitely a daddy’s girl; mostly because I’m the “disciplinary” parent that makes sure she has to brush teeth, school work, and etc. On our days off together he’ll do a few things with us and then say he needs to get some rest, but he goes upstairs and video games.
He really does work too much. He says he works so much, because he wants to make sure we’re taken care of if something happens to him. Which his dad was never there and his mom did struggle when he grew up.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Mysterious-Art8838 said:
Nta but it sounds like your marriage has run its course. I’m sorry.
Similar_Corner8081 said:
NTA. The writing is on the wall. It’s time for your heart to accept what your mind already knows. If he was willing to do something to help with the intimacy then I would say give it a chance.
Tbf a kid in your bed does make intimacy harder to accomplish. He’s doing nothing to help. Giving him an ultimatum isn’t going to work. I think it’s better to separate and divorce. Your marriage is over you just haven’t accepted it. Btw what do you think you’re teaching your daughter about a marriage?
Competitive_Chef_188 said:
You need to re-read what you wrote and realize this marriage is over.
toastedmarsh7 said:
NTA but video games are a symptom, not a cause. Your husband does not want to have be intimate with you, for whatever reason. So you can either decide to not have a s@$#al relationship (with him? is opening the marriage something you two would be interested in?) or end the marriage. The latter is probably the better and more likely choice.
Spiritual-Skill-412 said:
You're already operating as a single parent. He is dead weight. You will be shocked by how much easier and more enjoyable your life will be without him. You deserve better. Nta.
FiddleStyxxxx said:
NTA. This guy is a warm body in your home. You don't need him at all and his lack of effort in every aspect is grounds for divorce. I get that intimacy is the breaking point but please look at the mountain of injustice you're living under.
At the very least stop doing things for him. He can do his own laundry, cook his own meals, and clean up his own room. I'd put a bed in his playroom and lock the door on your bedroom after you go to bed. Move his clothes to his room and the rest of his belongings too.