Woman tells sober vegan friend, 'I'm tired of catering to your choices,' 'I should enjoy the company.' AITA?

"AITA for telling my vegan friend who doesn’t drink I’m tired of catering to her choices?"

My (50f) friend Lauren (46f) is a vegan who doesn’t drink. That’s awesome and I have no issue with that. The problem is that she is part of a small group of friends who don’t get out very often but when we do it always has to be limited due to Lauren’s choices.

We live in an area where our food choices suck to begin with so having to go to eat where she can be satisfied is very limited. There really isn’t much to do otherwise at night. In addition she gets upset when any one of us eat something that has an obvious meat to it.

For example, she doesn’t say anything if we get a soup with chicken or something but if we ordered a hamburger she would cause drama. Then she doesn’t drink, which is no big deal, but she will then send us videos on the harmful effects of alcohol if we get a drink or two with dinner.

It has gotten on my nerves to say the least. It’s been awhile now so I am done with everyone catering to her needs. I have tried inviting everyone to specific places and invite Lauren as well. Then she puts into a group chat “Hey ladies, since I can’t eat at X why don’t we go to Y?” Then of course the other ones decide we should go to Y instead.

I have backed off of going out because I don’t want to spend money on food that sucks (remember it’s vegan not vegetarian so it’s very limiting), and is expensive or have my intelligence questioned by sending sh$t about the effects of alcohol as if we are not beyond old enough to know or Google it. I barely drink anyway but enjoy a glass or two every so often.

She asked why I keep bailing so I told her “I respect your choices but by the very nature of them they have limited mine. Being that I don’t have the ability to go out often nor unlimited funds I am only going to go when I know the entire experience will be what I want.

So if I am in the mood for a steak and a vodka tonic I want to have them in a relaxed atmosphere and that obviously bugs you. If I’m in the mood for a salad and water I will gladly join you or we can just hang out at the beach when we have time during the day.”

She didn’t like that too much. She said that isn’t what friendship is about and I should enjoy the company enough not to care. I told her that I understood and I would gladly hang out with her when food or drink isn’t in question because it’s too expensive not to enjoy it.

She said that there is nothing else to do around here. Then I asked if it’s just about friends then maybe she can eat first and join us out sometimes and other times we can go to where she wants.

She then told me that she’s not going to sit around watching people eat meat. I said “Ok. I get it and you need to get that I’m not catering to your needs each time I’m free to hang out.”

I later got a text from a mutual friend that Lauren was upset but she agreed with me because she was tired of the same shit. Of course this friend doesn’t like conflict so just listened to Lauren.

So AITA for not wanting to continue to eat food I don’t like or refrain from having a drink or two to keep the peace here or am I right in feeling like she’s being selfish expecting the rest of us to do what she’s comfortable with each time?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Maximal_gain said:

NTA Next time you feel like going out. Post to the friend group with restaurant name, date, and time. If she wants it moved to a vegan place, let everyone know you won’t be there because you are going to the original place.

End the convo there. Go to dinner, they either show up or not, either way you get a dinner you like and a drink if you feel like it. Forcing your friends to live by her own choices isn’t fair of her to do that to all of you. If no one shows, leave the group and find new friends…you gave them a choice.

stroppo said:

NTA. Funny how she says it should be about friendship, not food, yet she gripes if you eat food she doesn't approve of or drink alcohol. So it obviously is about food, not friendship, to her.

Simply don't go out with them if you don't want to go to those particular restaurants. You'd simply be choosing not to go. Unlike her, who makes everyone change their plans to suit her.

Shitsuri said:

NTA. I don't even think you were rude about it nor do you talk dismissively about her choices. You just sound frustrated. Hope your friends enjoy another nice dinner soon.

TaylorMade2566 said:

OMG she sounds insufferable. So friendship is about catering to her yet she never gives in and happily goes along to Outback. You responded to her very politely and she acted like a spoiled toddler.

If friends care more about coddling Lauren than doing what they like to do, that's on them but frankly, I'd find some friends with who aren't such doormats. NTA.

LowRazzmatazz666 said:

NTA but drop the friends that "dOnT LiKe CoNfLiCt". Why surround yourself with spineless morons?

Ortsarecool said:

NTA. People can eat or not eat what they want. You are not the asshole for not wanting someone to preach and/or cause drama because you eat/drink things she doesn't approve of. I would just stop inviting her to meals honestly. Invite the people that it is enjoyable to eat a meal with and move on.