She already has hers chosen, while I'm still looking. I've seen her wedding dress, and I think it's very beautiful, but it just isn't my style.
I told her I wasn't sure, and she asked what I meant. I laughed and said, "Well, I don't really know if I wanna match." She looked upset and asked why I didn't want to match with her. I explained that I loved her dress; it just wasn't my style. Hers was poofy and big, while I preferred more simple and straight dresses. She just said okay and walked off.
A few days passed, and it's Saturday. I go to the dress shop we were getting our dresses from after work, and when I walked in, the owner of the shop looks confused. She asks, "Well, what are you doing here?" I smile and say, "Well, I'm still looking at dresses, remember." Then she looks even more confused.
She tells me my fiancée already ordered a dress online for me. I ask which dress, and she shows me the exact same dress my fiancée has, and unfortunately, there are no refunds. I apologize to the owner for the inconvenience and go home, waiting for my fiancée to get back from work.
She gets home after a while, and I ask her why she ordered that dress without my permission. She acts like she doesn't know what I'm talking about until I show her the order. She starts to cry and says she just wanted me to match with her.
I told her that I already said I didn't want to match with her, and she told me she thought I would change my mind. I explained that even if she was 100% sure I was going to change my mind, she shouldn't have ordered the dress without asking me first.
She cries even more, accuses me of not loving her, and calls me selfish. I call her pushy and bratty. She then gets up, calls me an a-hole, and begins packing her stuff. I ask where she's going, and she tells me she's going to stay at her mom's for a few days.
I tell her she's being dramatic and that she's in the wrong for ordering the dress without my permission first. It's been three days, and she's still at her mom's. I've sent her many texts and voicemails and called her, but she hasn't responded. I texted her mom, and she told me I was an a-hole for yelling at her.
These few days, I have been feeling really bad and starting to think I may be the a-hole. Also, before anyone says anything, I am not interested in leaving her. I love her more than anyone, and I am not willing to throw away a 9-year relationship over a dress. Your thoughts? AITA?
Here are some of the top comments:
NTA (Not the A%#hole) I am not willing to throw away a 9 year relationship over a dress. This isn't about the dress. This is about her disregarding your feelings and opinions. This is about her manipulating you to get her way.
This is about her not wanting to discuss things like an adult but running away to her mum's place when you've had a fight. If this is a pattern of behaviour over the past 9 years, you need to ask yourself if you are willing to suppress your own preferences for the rest of your life. If this is an unusual reaction on her part, you need to work through it together to figure out why she would dismiss your opinion on something like this.
The maths says you got together as teenagers. You should look into pre-marital counseling. This won't be the last thing you disagree on that means a lot to both of you. You may as well learn how to navigate this stuff together without running off to your parents' places.
I second this. Arguing over a dress may be where this has ended up, but it’s not the root of the problem.
OP you need to take a look at your relationship and see if this is part of a pattern or is something out of the ordinary. If it is part of a pattern you need to decide if having your opinion disregarded and walked all over is really what you want from life.
If it’s an anomaly then you need to discuss it like adults and look at how you will in deal with arguments when they come up in the future. Do not just let this slide. Dissect it, discuss it, deal with it.
NTA. It may not feel like it now, but she did you a favor. You now see her exactly for who she is and the wedding should be cancelled and you should break up.
You gave her the only reason you needed to about NOT matching and it was: you didn't like the dress for yourself. It's also your wedding and you get to choose your dress. I am certain she would have a sh$t fit if you chose her dress for her.
"She cries even more, accuses me of not loving her, and calls me selfish and I call her pushy and bratty. She then gets up, calls me an a-hole, and begins packing her stuff". THIS IS MANIPULATION. She went behind your back even after you explained why you're still looking for your own dress and found out about what she did - and no refunds!
What right does she have to cry about it? You don't love her because you don't want to match? Well that's just ridiculous and selfish AF. How are you an a%#hole? You were clear that you wanted to choose your own dress. Last I checked, it was also your wedding.
She sounds manipulative, controlling and entirely self absorbed. Do not try to reconcile. You deserve someone who encourages you to take your time to find a dress that resonates with you. To be tacky, you deserve to say yes to the dress, not to have her choice forced on you. You deserve better than what she has to offer.
NTA - Look, there is no way to soft-soap this so it's best to be blunt. This is controlling behaviour by your fiancee and a massive red flag. I understand and respect you not wanting to throw away a 9-year relationship but you will be doing yourself no favours if you don't take a step back and think about the implications of your fiancee's actions.
Let's take it in order. Now, there is no harm in her asking you to match, I understand some people would find that sweet, but when you said no, that should have been the instant end of the suggestion. Now, here's where it starts to get worrying. From what you are saying your fiancee ordered the dress AFTER you said no.
She completely disregarded your views and tried to force you to do what she wanted. That indicates that not only will she do whatever she can to get her own way, but all she cares about is that SHE gets HER perfect wedding, she obviously has no care that you don't get the wedding YOU want.
But then it gets even worse. She accuses you of not loving her, that YOU are the one being selfish. In her view, she is the one who deserves to get what she wants, you don't matter. This is classic gaslighting, then she flounces out, turns on the waterworks to her mum and is now trying to manipulate you into believing you are in the wrong for wanting to wear a dress you love at your own wedding.
I'm guessing the tantrum will continue until you give in and she gets her own way. I'm also betting it's not the first time she's thrown a tantrum to get her own way. Now, you say you're not breaking up with her, that's up to you, you're an adult and if you are willing to put up with this kind of behaviour, that's your decision.
I wouldn't. Any partner who treated me like a supporting player in my own life wouldn't see me for dust, but you are also right that your whole relationship is not just the wedding.
But what I would advise you is that you need to have a long hard think to yourself about whether you are prepared to put up with behaviour like this, because if she gets her way here, this will happen each and every time you disagree on something.
You need to establish hard boundaries, make it clear to her that you will not be manipulated and that your relationship will not last if she thinks she can simply do as she pleases and get her own way all the time, no matter your opinion. And you need to mean it.
What do you think? Would you end this relationship over a dress?