Woman won't stop touching partner at family reunion despite her father's 'demands.' AITA? MAJOR CULT UPDATE.
When this woman who has been with her partner for 6 years feels ostracized at her family reunion, she asks Reddit:
"Am I Wrong for refusing to stop touching my partner?"
I've been with my partner for 6 years. We've never left the honeymoon stage so to speak. We kiss and hug and moon over eachother daily. I've never been happier and he says he feels the same.
Both our love languages heavily rely on touch. We constantly are touching eachother even if innocently when in public.
We hold hands, he has long hair (we are a mixed race couple and he's native so he has waist lenght hair I often help him with) and I'll often play with his hair or move it out of his face during the day as well, we hug, if I'm sitting next to him I'll lean into him or him into me. To be blunt we just.... are always touching.
This hasn't really been a problem for us before. Our friends don't care and it makes us both happy. My family recently had a reunion though.
I brought my partner across the USA to the reunion hense why they hadn't met him before now as we live over 6000 miles away from my closest family. Upon meeting everyone we behaved like usual.
He was polite but he mostly kept to my side and we never really separated from eachother as my partner is a introvert and he gets nervous around new people so to help I've stayed extra close during this visit.
I didn't think much of our behavior but my dad recently pulled me aside and chewed me out. He said me being so constantly close to my partner is making people uncomfy.
My playing with his hair is inappropriate (I braided his hair in the morning to help manage some frizz he was having) and I let a small cousin put flowers in his hair with me later at a park while I watched kids in my family, I also had a kid 'tattle' that I gave him a kiss at the park as well after I swung with a toddler.
My partner said I looked cute giggling with the kiddo and he pecked me on the lips. We aren't married and I knew this would be frowned upon due to this fact but I'm a adult and frankly I didn't care.
Some other behavior my dad brought up was me constantly sitting near my partner and not socializing without him. He even said he only is talking to me after having multiple family members complain to the point of wanting me to leave if I don't stop and later on after I talked to my aunt she even said she was uncomfy even hosting us due to our behavior.
We were being hosted and housed by my aunt at the moment for the reunion but since then this had become such a issue I've left early and we are now heading home a week early (it was a 2 week trip).
I've since told my family if I visit again I'll simply get a hotel but beyond that I don't care for their thoughts on how I behave with my partner. We didn't make out or have sex or do anything I'd deem inappropriate so they can get over themselves. Maybe I was rude though???
Edit for key deails: My family is ultra conservative Christian. They aren't racist but they are super, super sexist. Women are seen as less than. Woman aren't allowed to work or wear pants for example and my partner doesn't act like a man in their eyes cause of my lifestyle with him.
This is partly why I wouldn't leave him alone. Plus he was uncomfy in general not knowing anyone. I love my family but they habe a different culture I can't completely comform to. AITAH for not just sucking it up and not touching my partner for a while?
Then, OP provides this lengthy update about the "cult" she is in:
Women aren't allowed to work on cars. It's considered a man's job. They Cook, clean, and raise the kids. Manual labor like that is considered inappropriate. The most they can do is garden. Rest of the cult is though they are weirdly nice to the non-whites in my family in thier specific church group... . My family weirdly doesn't adhear to that one lifestyle aspect.
They are simply far to mixed a group to even try. Plus any racism they do see they usually call out rather rudely as its at best considered stupid to them. One of the few things I'm proud of with them. They at least have that going for em. Plus at least the kids won't be racist.
That's fair. It was his choice though. I sat him down and deeply explained what to expect so he knew what he was getting into in that regard. I told him I wanna introduce him to some of the people there (not all but with a reunion I got a bit of everyone anyways) but I'd take a no if he didn't wanna come.
He gave me the terms to not leave him alone but beyond that he said he wanted to come to meet my sister I adore so much plus he wanted a taste of how I grew up. He also loved the food so it wasnt all bad and my sister gave me her stamp of approval as she liked him.
Plus I have a cousin I grew up close to and I also wanted him to meet her as well. She absolutely thought he was amazing to. It wasn't a great reunion but I got a week of family and despite a lot of crap from them I had some nice moments.
It's more I was uncomfy leaving him alone in that environment specifically. I love my family but parts of it aren't great due to sexism and to be blunt my partner is in no way shape or form a manly man.
Sexist comments were a big part of the reason I stayed so close. They would criticized how I did a girly (fancy braid) for him for example. Or how he styled his hair at all. Or he wore a blue shirt with a small pink logo and he got crap for wearing a girl color.
Or he wouldn't drink beer cause he hates the taste but he drank wine with me and the girls and he got crap for that. I mostly stayed close cause he asked me to and it made it so I could rebuff sexist comments as we socilized and bounced from person to person to group to group.
Plus I had a few aunts and uncles also try an press him into going to church that weekend. Hes not a outspoken person and was uncomfy saying no. I'd also use my being so close to shut that down as well. I can be separated for long periods of time just not around a few specific family members.
I mostly only brought him cause meeting a few of them that I'd wanted to introduce him to and whom I get along better with is had due to their schedule and own lifestyles.
It would be ironic but again I doubt it. A good quarter of my family heads are mixed race couples and often it was the black people just as much as the white being sexist assholes and they were the ones I had to shut down comments from. One is even flat out from Africa.
One from Mexico. My family is genrally mixed and people of color are adored if they fit the ideals. My partner doesnt. We also have a few cousins from Vietnam and Korea on top of that. We have a LOT of many different races in the family even outside this list. I've also dated a black man whom they have liked in the past the few times they met him.
They don't like my current partner cause he looks and acts to girly so they deemed him inappropriate as a whole for that reason.
But my partner is non-bianary. My partner chose to present as his born sex and present male to my family but he looks a bit like a girl naturally even without trying. He has curves, a girlish face, etc. He also acts a bit girly.
He likes flowers, he enjoys having his hair done, he hates the taste of beer and wont touch it but likes wine, etc. My family only really likes macho men so to speak.
The root is sexism. My partner un known to them is non-bianary. He was born male and he chose to present male here for my family. But he looks a bit female even despite trying to present male.
He has curves and a female-ish shaped face. We've had people litterly come up and ask if he's a boy or girl cause he naturally looks a bit like both. Plus I think a bit of that shined through hense the flowers in the hair for example. I'd also put braided in his hair men in my family deemed girly. They CONSTANTLY commented he seemed to girly.
Many guess racism but nope. They are sexist. Not much better but it is what it is I guess :/
I mysel am as white as paper. I doubt it's racism though. My family is of mixed races and a few of the heads of the family arent white themselves.
My partner is the only native but my family is still full of black people, mixed people, and a weirdly large amount of all sorts of Asians from all over. I've also dated a black man in the past whom they rather liked the few times they met him.
Their issues is my partner is to girly. They don't like that. They feel men should be macho and in charge of women. My partner doesn't care if I work and that's seen as wrong or the fact he is attracted to me wearing pants is weird to my family.
My partner loves flowers, wears pinks, drinks wine instead of beer, etc. He's seen as less of a man due to that. They are generally nice but now and then they made rude comments I rebuffed.
Let's see what readers thought of this whole story:
rzmatz writes:
Are you an asshole? No. You’re growing up and choosing to be the person you want. If you and your partner are happy with each other and the lifestyle you have chosen then stick with it. It’s up to your parents to accept you or not. Sometimes, with parents, they forget that.
They raised you to make your own decisions and be happy with your life. If your choices make them unhappy then the most respectful thing you can do is advise them that this is who you are and if that bothers them to not invite you as much.
edts7 write:
He gave you a peck on the lips???? Heathenry! You practically had sex in front of the children! Now they’re going to know at such a tender age that people checks notes kiss! After all, no one would ever rate a movie G for children if there was pornographic “brief lip contact” in it!
By the standards of my generation, I am a prude. And coming from this prude, your family is so extremely prudish I can’t think of a word for it.
times83 writes:
I certainly don't think you or your partner are assholes. That being said, there are different dynamics and ways that are or aren't appropriate to act in different situations.
Your family has made it clear that they don't see the way you are acting as reasonable, and it is not just 1 person with that feeling. They probably are not going to change the way they see things.
So it's the choice you have to make, either A. to essentially cut these people out of your lives and say adapting your behaviors to make them feel comfortable is not worth it to you. Or B. Change the way you act around them specifically to fit in.
Neither choice is wrong. I am sorry your family is not more accepting and open about people displaying their love of each other - it's a crappy decision to have to make, but you can't choose your family.
Personally, I would be pretty miffed being confronted like this about something that in my mind is very minor. I'd also eventually probably say I see these people once a year or less, I can probably just adjust and get over it for a week or two a year to placate them.
evahalt writes:
When I first got with my husband, my MIL told me that we needed to cut it out with the PDA, occasional kisses, holding hands... things that said we were a couple, but publically appropriate without being too intimate.
Least I thought. We lived on the East Coast, and she lived on the West Coast. She told me that the EC was uptight and didn't do well with PDA... I wasn't sure WTH she was talking about because I frequently saw people walking holding hands, or holding doors, or kissing their SO's before work, as they dropped each other off, etc...
And she made it sound like the EC was more uptight than the WC which meant none of this was inappropriate there either.
Found out a few years ago that she had been trying to convince my husband not to marry me because I was agnostic... So that probably had more to do with it than the PDA.
Find out what is really the problem, because if it's publically appropriate PDA, and not excessive, they are using this as a mask for something else.