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Woman transfers assets to her daughter before the wedding; fiancé says, 'This is discrimination.' AITA? UPDATED

Woman transfers assets to her daughter before the wedding; fiancé says, 'This is discrimination.' AITA? UPDATED


When this woman upsets her future husband with a financial decision, she asks the internet:

"AITAH for transferring my assets to my daughter before my marriage?"

I (F28) had my daughter (F9) while still in college. I am ashamed to admit I dont know who the dad is. It was a drunken party mishap.

My parents disowned me and sympathising with my plight, my grandpa took me in. He had a bad relationship with my dad. Grandpa died two years ago leaving me his entire estate. He was kind of rich.

I started dating my fiance Max (M35) around 4 years back. He has two kids (F6, M10) he has full time custody of as well. Their mom married someone else and moved across the country. She pays child support but makes no effort to contact them or visit them.

We have lived together for over a year now and everyone gets along pretty well. We stay at the house my grandfather left me and split all bills and expenses 50:50, but keep rest of the finances separate. He popped the question 2 months ago and I said yes.

Few weeks ago we had a minor fight. My daughter's birthday is coming up and I wanted to gift her a pony. She has been learning to ride for a few years now and really want one.

When I mentioned this to Max, in a passing conversation, he got mad at me for wasting our money on stupid gifts like this. I told him I am not taking anything out of our budget and just buying it out of my money.

He said then I should buy his kids ponies too to make it fair. I said sure, lets split the expense. He told me I should buy it myself since I am rich and it is my decision to buy my daughter a pony in the first place. That he is trying to make it equal for all kids in the household and don't have money to waste like this.

I got his point. But I also felt that he would want me to make everything equal with his kids too. I get they will be my kids too and I should not treat them different.

But I also felt like my daughter should not have to split her generational wealth. Its not mine, its my grandpa's. And he loved her. He left it to me believing I would pass it on to her.

So I made a trust fund transferring 50% of assets I inherited into that. It has rules regarding reasons I can make withdrawal out of, like education and separate living allowance based on age, money for marriage, for house and entire balance made available at 30.

I set up another trust fund for myself putting 30% assets into it with yearly allowance and then to dissolve after 50 (hoping to retire then). Balance 20% is mostly the house, land and emergency funds.

I did it so whatever income I earn, I will be able to make it equally split within kids. But inheritance will stay intact for my or my daughter's future without having to be split or used for my step kids.

My fiance found out about this a couple of days ago. Saw some related papers in my drawer. He was really mad at me for cutting him and his kids out. He said if I was marrying him, we would be sharing all assets and finances.

That its not fair for me to keep 90% of my wealth just to myself and my kid when he is sharing all of his with us. I said I was sharing everything I make too, just the inheritance is kept aside. He is not bringing any inheritance into the union either.

He said thats because he has none and its incredibly selfish of me to not share. To lock it away. That with this, my daughter will have a luxurious life while his kids have average life only since there is no way we can afford all that for them with our income only.

I said generational wealth is separate and it should go to bio family. He called me a AH for discriminating and depriving his kids of a equally good life. AITAH?

bellaella writes:

It was disturbing reading this. So many red flags. Run OP, run! This man sounds entitled, and I am sorry to say this, it sounds like he's got your money on his mind. Your inherited money is yours, not his and his kids.

You're already being more than fair in putting in 50% towards your expenses for the two of you - plus the three living rent free in an inherited house. You're actually paying more if he wants to be calculative. It doesn't sound good at all.

Normally if there's inherited wealth plus a house that one is bringing into a marriage, there normally should be a pre-nuptial agreement to ensure this part is not counted should the marriage end - see a lawyer and draft the pre-nup.

I will be willing to bet that if you bring this up, he would not be agreeable to it. He seems to think that what is yours is his and his kids.

Ask yourself if you would be willing for this to happen should the marriage end in a few years time. You doing the trusts was the right move. Now do the right move for yourself and the kid - don't marry him.

porcelainthun writes:

So he and his children get to live in your house with you, everything split completely do your part hut he feels entitled to YOUR, and in extension YOUR daughters inheritance? For HIS children, your would be step children, no blood. Didn't know grandpa. .but they should get a cut?

You and your daughter are entering into this with a man and his 2 kids. And splitting everything 100% equally, save for um... the just small little thing that they get to live in YOUR house that, however you came to get it, is YOURS.'re supposed to shell out your inheritance for then as well? This is ridiculous. What if you did not have that? If you had not told him bc it was your and your daughters BEFORE you met.

Just no. You absolutely 100% pull your weight... and are doing great it sounds like. Stand your ground...for you and your girl.

Can i ask though...what is it it about him you love? What asked you happy with him, about him...curls your toes and makes you smile? I know your daughter is young, but. Still what is her opinion?

Hopefully, if you do really love him and he makes the sun shine a little brighter and the music that muchbmore beautiful, well I hope it works out.

simonsays writes:

My answer is two fold … firstly NTA I’m regards to the generational wealth, the house and assets etc was your grandfathers and then yours, I think you are right to put it in trust fund etc. Your fiancé is sounding like he thought he’d be getting a share of it all.

The second part about the pony though (still NTA but I understand this a bit more) . So I have three kids, my husband has three kids. He earns more than me, but we did come into the relationship fairly equally in terms of savings etc.

But we are very conscious that all the kids (5 out of 6 of them are adults now) received equal value for gifts etc. his ex wanted to buy a car for the eldest, and split the costs with my husband because apparently that’s what her family did...

but together we know that we could not afford to buy 6 cars (even half of them), and my ex wouldn’t necessarily be on board for half (which is fair it was never something we talked about so I wouldn’t expect it anyway).

Anyway it would build significant resentment between the kids. Now I’m not saying you should pay for 3 ponies by any means, but if your partner is not in a position to pay for them I can see how unfair it would feel and the imbalance it may cause.

Bringing step kids together in a family can be difficult, especially if there is a financial imbalance, you really need to spend to the lowest denominator.

blakid writes:

It's a little bit of a difficult issue. She will be the special princess and there will be a difference with his kids. One kid goes to the ivy leagues, the others to community college.

Then, after a life together, his earnings go 2/3 to his kids and your kid gets another 1/3 kicker. Wealth isn't so easy. I earned my own wealth and just kept a family with my bio kids. I mean, one answer is to up his game and get educated and earn more money.

I don't know what state you're in. If you keep your assets then you're going to want to dump him in retirement because he can't travel where you want to go, can't splurge when you want to. What are you going to do then? I'm more than twice your age.

I traveled while young -- I'd sometime skip eating for 3 days in a row. I'd camp in the woods and nothing bothered me, but in my mid 60s ... yeah, I book business class because it's just harder to sit in a cramped airline seat for 10 hours. Are you going to toss him in back?

Oh, kids. You know they move off, get other interests -- so we take them on vacations, our dime. How are you going to handle that? Even early on, why should see not see Europe while the non-native shlubs wallow at home?

I really don't know how to deal with the slice-and-dice families when you are essentially of two different social classes. It's your money, NTA, I just thing you haven't thought this through.

Can you pay for his education so that he can earn wealth along the way? Have you figured out how your kid shouldn't miss prep school where she can really get a leg up on life while her lessors deal with a two-bit local school?

Summer camps. My kid's life was transformed by the right camp (I know, I went there). You should certainly look into it for your kid ... but the other hanger ons??

I'm just saying, despite your poor schlub potential husband, these will be real issues for him and his kids. They did experiments with 2 monkeys in a cage separated by plexiglass.

The monkeys earned cucumber pieces for performing training tasks. They loved it. Then one day, they gave one monkey grapes (much more highly prized) for the task while the other got the normal cucumbers.

The cucumber monkey took the cucumber and threw it at the researcher and refused to work. We are large monkeys. Deal with it.

janea writes:

I know this isn’t the popular opinion, but if I were in his shoes, I would have been devastated. Not out of greed or entitlement, but the stark realization that there would be this imbalance and inequity between our children that would be unfair to my kids.

I could never raise my kids the way you’re asking him to raise his—with one sibling living a wealthy lifestyle while the others live a modest lifestyle. That would be okay for ME if it were just me. But no way would I force my children to grow up feeling less deserving or less worthy or less celebrated than their sibling.

And once that sunk in—that I had to leave the relationship for the sake of my kids—I would have gone through a rollercoaster of emotions and maybe said some dumb things.

But bottom line, I would take my kids and get out. You are absolutely entitled to keep that money for your bloodline, but I could not raise my children in a house divided by socioeconomic status. Kids internalize that kind of thing.

realrenegade writes:

NTA but a brutal situation. I fully understand and generally agree with the way you set up the trusts, BUT I think that you should have informed him of your decision. It would have led to an argument, but it is kinda crappy for him to find out that way (why he was rummaging through your drawers is another question).

I don't necessarily agree with him about your decision, but talking to him about it might have helped (or maybe not....). I would definitely carefully consider his reaction to this before marrying him. I hope it works out for the best, whatever the end result is.

Now, on another subject... if you do end up getting your daughter something to ride, please reconsider the idea of a pony. Ponies are harder to deal with in most cases, and as she grows, she will outgrow a pony.

A better option IMHO would be a trained mare or gelding, up to 10 yo or so. It shouldn't be hard to find a good one, and barring injury (which is always a possibility) should be rideable for 10-15 yrs at least.

Another point is that horses are herd animals. Keeping one alone without a pasture mate or at least at a stable with other horses is not good for them. Carefully consider this idea... lots of positives, but lots of obstacles as well!

oddwelcome7 writes:

NAH... I get that most folks feel like generational wealth is a seperate asset from a marriage. However, that is something only people with generational wealth feel is true.

Those who have absolutely nothing tend to not agree. I won't blame him for how he feels at all. He is will be bringing every single thing he owns and has into this marriage and you won't.

In the end, though, this is a core compatibility issue. My wife and I agreed to split every single thing. That was easier because we both had nothing. I can't blame either of you.

However, if she gets a pony and the boys get a 50$ gift, do you ever think they will feel equal?

These are hard decisions to make but you both need to check your egos at the door and have some tough talks without attacking eachother. In the end if he won't marry you because he feels like his kids will always feel second class, I wouldn't blame him at all.

fizband writes:

I’m gonna say ESH… From this story the fiancé is definitely giving off some gold digger vibes so I think protecting your assets is absolutely a smart move… but I do feel like it’s an AH move to plan to start off merging your two families by saying your daughter is going to get all the inheritance.

As you said yourself, his kids would become your kids too if you married. I think a better route would have been some sort of prenup where your assets are protected from him should the marriage go south combined with a will leaving said assets to your daughter.

You’re setting yourself up for a situation where those 3 kids are gonna grow up all knowing without any doubt you love your daughter the most while if you just protect your assets in the event of a divorce instead, you can make those inheritance...

decisions later on and not be creating a situation right now where the 2 kids from the husband are supposed to view you as a mother and your daughter as a sister all while knowing you don’t really plan on viewing them as your own children.

trucat writes:

So NTA.... BUT I see where he is coming from you're setting the kids up to have a lot of resentment between them.

Your daughter will have things very easy and taken care of for her while they will have to work twice as hard and not have as many advantages while living in the exact same life in the exact same home with the exact same family.

They'll be second class citizens. Why does Suzy get a pony and I don't? Suzy and her mom have the money Why does Suzy get a car for her 16th birthday and I didn't? Suzy and her mom have money and we don't.

Suzy and I both worked hard and got into the same really good dream college how come she gets to go and I don't? Suzy and her mom have money to pay for Suzy but we can't afford to pay for you so you'll need to pick something cheaper.

Look I am not saying you're wrong for wanting to protect your daughters assets, you just shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who has kids if you're not gonna treat them as family. You need to end this now it's not fair to them.

frolace writes:

NTA. Please, please, please leave your inheritance with these protections in place! In my second marriage to someone who appeared to be a wonderful man, he slowly siphoned off almost $300,000 from my separate property account over several years.

He used my money to pay regular bills, while depositing his own income into a protected retirement account. All the while, he was proclaiming that we didn't have enough income to cover all of our expenses. We did, if he hadn't directed so much into his retirement account.

Your fiance's reaction concerns me. It would be fair for him to ask whether you can get to these funds in an emergency or a temporary stretch of job loss. He's already benefitting from your grandfather's house, and probably future household expenses that you cover from that source.

But to expect it to fund luxuries for his kids is highly entitled. Why can't they ride the same pony once in awhile? I rode a stepsister's horse occasionally, but it never occurred to me that I would get a horse, too, just because her grandparents bought her one.

You shouldn't flaunt luxuries in their faces, but it's okay to provide some extras for your daughter from your grandfather's inheritance.

theovey writes:

I must say I'm a little amused by the responses. Reddit has a reputation of being super liberal, but here we are, with most comments defending generational wealth.

Many of the largest billionaires in the country are extremely rich because of generational wealth, and not because of anything they personally accomplished (e.g. the Walton descendants).

Generational wealth is one of the greatest sources of wealth disparity; the rich can live off one massive source of wealth for multiple and even indefinite generations, while the poor keep passing on their debt.

So I'm going to say we have too little information here. Maybe it's not a substantial amount of money, maybe it's just a few hundred thousand dollars. Enough to retire on, but not enough to buy everyone ponies.

In that case, yeah, I can see the imperative for guarding one's own daughter. But I can also see how buying her a pony is poisoning the new family before it even got started. It's going to create a yawning maw between the daughter and the step siblings, essentially establishing a two-class family.

The resentment will be very real. That isn't to say the fiance isn't a gold digger, he may very well be. But it's not a black and white situation, and there is some validity to his concerns.

A prenup would have at least been more transparent. I get that OP is defensive, she was cut off by her family after all, and that's going to create some serious trust issues with any prospective husband.

A prenup is probably prudent. But going around his back like this, and establishing a family dynamic he didn't agree to? Yeah, that's upsetting. It's kind of a dick move. At least, if he rejected a prenup, you would know what the truth about him is, without going behind his back.

You would have been the honest broker here. Now I think it's either a YTA situation, or everyone sucks here. It's not that protecting your daughter is wrong, it's the way you went about it, concealing it, then making the decision to elevate your daughter above her future step siblings without consulting your partner, sabotaging your future family.

You want to protect her inheritance? Fine, but lavishing her with gifts while her step siblings just watch is a whole different kind of wealth than ensuring she has a lifeline for the rest of her life. You'll end up making yourself the stepmother, and your daughter, the stepdaughter, from Cinderella.

I guess the too long didn't read version is: setting up a permanent lifeline for her daughter? Fine. Spoiling her daughter and ignoring her stepchildren? Bougie move.

That's the kind of wealth we usually mock on Reddit, not celebrate. If you're not invested in your future family, maybe this ain't the marriage for you.

At least with the next partner, this whole dynamic will already be firmly established, so he'll know what he's getting into. But you may have screwed your current relationship, I'm sorry to say.

And now, OP's update:

I know this is quick, but I am someone who always act quickly. So here is the update. I had a much needed conversation with Max. I showed him the post, replies, advices and experiences. He looked defeated to see this.

At the core there were two issues. How much do I trust him? How do we handle finances moving forward?

He told me he was ready to sign a prenup before I even asked. If that would alleviate my worries. He said all he wants is to have everyone in the household to feel equal. To not make his kids feel resentful. To make it fair to everyone. I understood that.

The fact is there is no way it can be made fair to everyone. If I want to give my daughter the best of everything, I should give same to his kids too. But that is not always possible even with our combined incomes.

For example if her love for riding stays, both me and her would prefer she attend a private school providing equistrian sports. Tuition for that and related costs can be availed from her trust. But we would not be able to afford to pay tuition for his kids out of our combined income.

Trust is already set up and even I cannot withdraw money for their tuition. Even if I could, I would be reducing my retirement funds or my daughter's inheritance. Same goes for car, tuition fund, and all other expenses my daughter will have covered but even with our incomes, we can't give equally to Max's kids.

Further, marriage is a big risk. Even with a prenup, if he takes on debt during course of marriage, I would also be liable. A lot of the comments have instilled a lot of fear in me. I am also worried about the resentment finance is going to build.

I love Max. I really do. But I love my daughter million times more. She is my life. I have to accept that her future and oppurtunities is more important to me than a marriage. Atleast for the next 9 years. (Who am I kidding, till my daughter can fully be independent).

And I cannot fault him for wanting the same for his kids. He is just being a dad. But I cannot take away from my daughter to give to his kids. I can only give equal love and care to them. Equal attention.

Financially we are just not compatible. I want to retire at 50. As in 50 yrs old. Not 50 years from now. I had a complication during childbirth and had my uterus removed. I won't be having anymore kids.

So the money is out of my hands and no one can force me to spend it. Requirements, guilt, nothing would work since money can be withdrawn only in accordance with the eligible clauses.

Long story short, I gave back my ring. Engagement and marriage is off the table for now. After all, there is no real necessity to get married. We are both sad about this turn, but the fact he did not kick up a fuss is a bit reassuring.

I really do believe our companionship is just as valuable to him as to me. Just that we are also parents who wants the best for our children.

We don't know where our relationship is going. I would still like to have him in my life. But he is also free to leave and find another person. I did not ask him to leave and he is staying for now.

I will try to keep normal stuff equal between all. Whatever I can afford to do out of my income.

My daughter is still getting a pony. Its a gift from her great grandpa, after all. I would not compromise her life and choices. My grandpa took me in for her sake. He left it all to me for her. I cannot compromise on that.

And there is no need for 3 ponies. Neither of his kids know or has shown any interest in riding. If they want one after seeing my daughter with hers, we will be getting them riding lessons.

And they can share. They will be getting the best birthday presents we can afford that alligns with their interests for their birthdays. If Max sticks around till then.

I will also be protecting the house and land as well. He cannot make claims on it as far as I know. But I will still be discussing it with my estate lawyer. Thankyou for helping me see what I refused to. Love had me blind.

What do YOU make of OP's story? Any advice for her?

Sources: Reddit
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