My 20-year-old daughter lives with me (I'm 47). She has a boyfriend, Gary (20M), who currently lives with his own parents. She lost her job due to COVID and has been feeling sad since then, making her reluctant to look for a new one.
I'm not sure if Gary has ever worked, but he doesn't now; mostly, he just sits around my house playing Xbox and eating my food. I'm not Gary's biggest fan, but my daughter loves him, so I tolerate him and have always been polite to him.
About a month ago, she went missing for a little over three days. While she does go out fairly often without telling me, this was a lot longer than usual. I rang her mother and messaged Gary and any of her friends I could think of, but no one had seen her.
Eventually, Gary responded with a picture of a baby and said, "Say hello to your grandson!" She had never even told my ex-wife and me that she was pregnant. (For context, she's a larger girl and had put on a couple of extra kilos over the last couple of months. While it seems obvious now in retrospect, at the time, it just seemed like normal weight gain.)
She and Gary brought the baby back to our house sometime the next day while I was at work. When I got home, I asked her why she hadn't told me about this, and she said it's because she wanted Gary to move in with us.
She knew that if she had asked before the baby was born, I would have said no, and that she and Gary need to get themselves sorted, both get jobs, and find their own place to live before the baby comes (she's probably not wrong). But if she waited until he was born, then I'd have to say yes to Gary moving in because what kind of monster would keep their grandson from living with their father?
I was so mad at her reason for hiding it that I yelled at her, saying that it was an incredibly manipulative thing for her to do. I was too angry at the moment to give her an answer about Gary. I told her I needed time to process and think, and asked her not to talk to me for a little while.
She rang her mother in tears. My ex then rang me to ask how I could be so cold and tell me that I was ruining what should be an exciting and magical time for her, my daughter, Gary, and myself.
She said I'd look back on this in years and feel terrible that I spent the first days of my firstborn grandchild's life making everyone upset by being angry at my daughter and her boyfriend and stalling their plans to live together with the baby.
I feel like I'm justified in being angry about them intentionally trying to manipulate me, but everyone around me seems to think I don't have a valid reason for being bothered in the first place. They believe that I need to get over it, move on, and let them live together. Am I the a%#hole?
Do you agree with the top comments?
Wow. Just wow. It's not often people admit their manipulation right to your face like that. Wait until you find out they were trying for the baby and it wasn't an accident, because I'd bet money that's coming.
Can they move in with mom? Sounds like she's just itching to have them. Or move into Gary's parents' house? NTA (Not the A%#hole). Having that news dropped on you all at once is huge. If there's no other place for your daughter to go, I do hope you let her stay, though, for the baby's sake. I'd tell her no overnights with Gary.
If she wants to be a happy family with him, they should have gotten jobs years ago, but at the very least Gary needs to get his act together now and get one do they can rent their own happy family home eventually.
NTA - Are they immature or have a developmental disability (serious)? Her rationale was odd and unexpected. She disrespected your relationship after you housed her (and practically him). Prior to the pregnancy their joint life choices for years were not acceptable: unemployed, using other's resources, no self directed contribution (assuming like cleaning, lawn work).
Yes, she manipulated you and think s it's OK. Your ex wants you to be joyful but they are the ones who made poor choices that sucked the joy from the announcement. Help her pack to live with her mom; you can support them from afar. Be sure to get them the tools to sign up for social support cause they have a lot of struggle and frustration ahead. Best to you.
NTA, Don't let him move in. Allow visitation. This will allow him to see his kid but light a fire under their a%# to get out of your house. No overnights.
If you let him move in you're screwed. She will be pregnant again in a year and they will never leave. Maybe your ex-wife can take t hem in? She seems pretty excited about their terrible decision for some reason.
What do you think? Will OP regret being harsh on his daughter, or is he right to be upset with her attempt to manipulate him?