Woman vents about SIL questionable behavior in family group chat; SIL finds messages. AITA?

When this woman is fed up with her SIL, she asks the internet:

"AITA for Venting About My Sister-in-Law in a Family Chat?"

So, here’s the deal. My sister-in-law (SIL) has some quirks that have been causing a lot of tension in our family. She has OCD, and it manifests in her being obsessed with cleaning. Whenever she comes over, she’s always cleaning something. It doesn’t matter if the house is spotless, she’ll find something to wipe down or organize.

It’s honestly exhausting to be around her because she never just sits down and relaxes. We can’t have a normal conversation without her getting up to clean something mid-sentence.

On top of that, she has no concept of time. She’s always late to family gatherings, no matter how much we stress the importance of being on time. It’s not just a few minutes late, either; it’s often an hour or more.

When she does show up, she sometimes talks about things that don’t make sense, like she’s in her own world and not really paying attention to what’s going on around her.

The whole family has been getting increasingly frustrated, but we’ve tried to be understanding because we know she is not as smart, educated as us and she struggles with certain things.

Recently, though, a few of us siblings were venting about it in our private group chat. We were just expressing how her behavior has been affecting us, especially when she’s late to important events and it throws off the whole day.

Somehow, she got wind of the conversation—probably through her husband, my brother—and she started privately messaging each of us, including me.

She was furious, saying that we were all wrong for talking about her behind her back and that we don’t understand what she’s going through. She accused us of being insensitive and said that if we had a problem with her, we should’ve said it to her face.

Now there’s all this drama, and the family is even more divided. Part of me feels bad because I know she was broght up in household she's right and it’s not entirely her fault, but at the same time, her behavior really does impact everyone. AITA for venting about her in the family chat, or should I have just kept my mouth shut?

Let's see what readers thought:

festieque writes:

YTA. You couldn't even make a separate group chat so you could complain about her without your brother there? You basically forced your beother to either hide this from his own wife (which would be a crap move as a husband), or to tell her and cause a rift. Literally the least you could have done was make the complaints private. And y'all have the nerve to say SHE'S not smart enough?

platoghost writes:

NTA. First, comiserating with other family members who have to deal with the same frustrations is not being an AH. Indeed, it can be a venue for figuring out a way for all of you to deal with the issue before approaching her.

Next, having OCD is not an excuse for bad behavior. As I told my children many times, neurodivergence may explain behavior, yet it doesn't excuse bad behavior. For the record, I have OCD; I've never tried to use it as an excuse for acting like an AH. I could go on at some length about the entitlement exhibited in what SIL is reported to have said.

So, OP, discuss with the rest of your family how you want to approach the issue as a group. Do you want to reach an understanding with her of what behavior is unacceptable?

How do you all want to include her while limiting the problematic behaviors? That's certainly suitable group chat material and a good thing to do before taking it to her.

dag8 writes:

How was SIL’s reaction immature?? SIL directly (and individually) addressed each person that was saying hurtful and insensitive comments about her behind her back. She has a mental health condition that, yes, she needs to work on to manage better.

But instead of the siblings-in-law addressing their concerns directly to her, and maybe working with SIL to find ways to manage better, they chose to bitch about her behind her back.

Are they allowed to express their frustrations. YES. Their feelings are also valid. But they need to be adults and confront it directly, rather than acting like middle-school mean girls.