'AITA for leaving the house when my soon-to-be MIL took over cooking without asking?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for leaving the house when my soon-to-be MIL took over cooking without asking?"
Hello I'm 23F engaged to 25M. My soon to be MIL is 45F, and is the classic MIL from hell. Today, I was cooking lunch for the family at my own accord, as I offered to cook for all.
My fiance offered to help - I accepted as I thought it would be a great bond activity as he's been busy with work lately. So food for myself, my fiance, her, her boyfriend, and the boyfriend's father.
Not even 5 minutes into me cooking she comes out of her room and starts over taking what I'm doing, saying what I'm doing is wrong etc etc. I politely asked her to go sit down and relax, as I wanted to do something for the family for a nice Sunday before the crazy weather hit. My fiance - said nothing.
She huffed and kept pushing (not literally pushing but kept over taking everything I was doing) me out the kitchen. I gave up trying to win against her cause I'm not going to fight a woman x2 my age when I already dealt with my own bio mother and bio father being abusive and narcissistic my whole life.
So she and her son (my fiance) are now both in the kitchen cooking and bonding when it was supposed to be me and him. I was (and am) frustrated so I left to go for a walk.
I'm tired. I was tryna be nice but clearly my efforts aren't appreciated. The same thing happened at Christmas when I offered to show a better way (and SAFER) to defrost chicken - but no.
They took the chicken out the package and defrosted it in water. Raw chicken. In water. Out of the package. I'm just over this. I love the man but I can't keep doing this.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
RJack151 said:
NTA, I would have tossed the engagement ring to him and told him he should put it on his mother's finger.
Will3553 said:
NTA. Your MIL overstepped, and leaving to avoid conflict was understandable. Discuss your feelings with your fiance and find a compromise for future situations.
Limp-Star2137 said:
NTA. If you marry him m, it will only get worse because now you've essentially married her too. Are you prepared for her to overtake baby showers, your engagement, your wedding, everything?
And your fiance obviously does not stand up to her so you also have a fiance problem. I'd have a serious conversation with him about expectations BEFORE you get married. Then, give it time to see if he actually follows through.
murphy2345678 said:
NTA. You have an SO problem. He doesn’t stick up for you. He doesn’t respect you.
calacmack said:
NTA. Your boyfriend should be sticking up for you and not his mom. You two need to have a serious conversation because if he doesn't support you now you might be spending a lot of time walking.
ConvivialKat said:
NTA, except to yourself. You've got yourself a mama's boy for a fiance. You might as well just give her your engagement ring because he's not ever going to support you, and she's not going to change.
FIRST UPDATE:
Me and him sat down and had a discussion as some mentioned to do. We sat down in our room when everyone left the house MINUS us and we spoke about the incident.
So to clarify: I don't live here full time. I just visit. I live with my father and his common law + her son. I can understand some peoples views on how "her house, her rules" 100% agree but there are kinder ways of saying to someone they aren't okay with them using their things.
Instead of just wordlessly pushing you away. However the Soon to be MIL said back when I first met her "You're family now dear, anything we own is yours to use. I really look forward to having you here sweetheart."
She and I had some cooking lessons together cause I grew up not knowing how minus microwaveable items and some stove top items. I took what she said to heart, as I didn't have a stable home growing up. I really thought she was being genuine and I feel side swiped by this tbh.
Now, for the rest of the update: He sees nothing wrong with what his mom did, he said if she wishes to take over that's her right as it's her home (it's not actually HER home - it's the boyfriends, she doesn't own anything) and I quote:
"I can understand why she took over, I'm not trying to shame you or dishearten you but you do have problems cooking. Remember when you made grilled cheese and mushroom soup? You burnt the first sandwich and tried putting the soup in the microwave to cook." This is a first to me, as no one said a word about my cooking when I was doing it the other day.
This cooking incident happened the other day. I had a long, rough day and wanted to do an easy dinner as no one else wanted to cook so I offered to cook. No one complained at the idea of grilled cheese and mushroom soup - it was very cold and we all agreed a warm meal would be awesome.
I got to work prepping the kitchen, I got out my pan for the sandwiches to be made in plus a microwave safe bowl for the soup and got out the bread, cheese, butter, and the soup.
Now, how I was raised I was told that microwaving soup is 100% okay if you don't want to wait forever in a day for a stove to heat up and/or don't want to do many dishes. The eating party was just 4 of us: me, fiance, soon to be MIL, and her boyfriend.
The father of the bf didn't wanna eat as he had his own prepped meal (he's a older gentleman and can only eat certain things - no issue there) So I began cooking. I buttered my warming pan, got the soup prepped for the microwave, buttered the bread and got the cheese on it.
After I made the first 4 sandwiches (I made 6 total as we all agreed how many we wanted) I got the soup to start in the microwave. I finished the last sandwich as the soup finished so everything was warm and ready to eat. The others got their own bowls (3 bowls) and I used the bowl that was microwaved.
We used disposible plates to also lessen the load of dishes as no one really wanted to do them. I will admit I did burn the first sandwich - however I said I'll take it because that was my bad and I didn't realize how high I had the stovetop until I flipped the sandwich.
I'm realizing all the other whack s^%$ that's been happening in this relationship. I'm going to call my therapist and ask if he knows any places for couples therapy or if he offers it. He does admit being a mommy's boy, but that he and again I quote "Didn't have a choice as I had no father figure growing up."
Which I understand vice versa with myself as my mom was absent (parents divorced when I was a baby) but I did not turn into a daddy's girl. Hell me and my dad can't stand each other we literally brawl, not proud of it but it is what it is with him. I want this to work as were childhood sweethearts, but I am not going to marry a mommas boy.
SECOND UPDATE:
The soon to be MIL and her boyfriend pulled me aside the morning and said they retracts their statements about me being in the house doing anything. They said I'm fine to come inside and use the restroom/shower/washer&dryer but other wise I'm not welcome to do anything else unless otherwise instructed.
They don't feel comfortable with me in their home, which ... okay then. That's fine I guess. I'm used to not doing stuff in my dads home (I live there full time cause who can afford rent in the USA at this point - not me with only $700 every 2 weeks and $650 in bills)
Now, to clarify further there are 3 buildings on the property, the main home and the my fiancés mini which is a separate building. There is also a shed. My fiancé is at work presently, I called him after what happened with her and he just was silent. I asked him "____ did you say anything or were you just quiet?"
Which he replied "sorry I just was quiet, I don't know what you want me to say. That's my mom, what she says go I can't do much." I sighed, said I love him and hung up then cried I'd love for us to go rent our own home/apartment but he doesn't wish to until he pays off his mini building which - I can understand to a degree.
I'm presently packing my things up, cause honestly I don't know if wanna deal with this. I've known him since childhood, we were neighbors up until after we graduated high school - we went to the same schools since we were kids and into our teen years. Just sucks that he turned out this way. I'm going to go back home for now, my father now lives in one of the cities now which is 3 hours from my fiancé.
I'd rather put up with the abuse from my dad and his common law + her son than this. And that sucks to say but I really don't wanna deal with extra baggage in terms of sh%^ty behavior.