Woman wants to change child's surname; father threatens to disown daughter if she does. AITA?

When this woman doesn't know if her parenting decision is an AH move or not, she asks the internet:

"WIBTA if I changed my daughter's surname even though her father said he will disown her if I do?"

So I (f33's) have a daughter (f7). Background: I escaped her abusive father 2 months after she was born and he has only seen her in-person 4 times since my daughter and I left. He is a typical narcissist and was physically, psychologically, financially, and se%ually abusive to me for years.

While I was pregnant, he threatened to take the li%es of my unborn child and I. One night I woke up to him standing over me with a k%ife, with other kni&es hidden around the house. After she was born, he again threatened her life and used her as a human shield when the police came. (They were on NO help).

I have left lines of communication open as I believe she has the right to know him for herself. He has a full-time job but does not pay child support. He sends small amounts of money if/when he feels, usually 2-5 times a year now. Before, he would only text and send money on her birthday and at Christmas.

Their calls and voice messages have increased as she has gotten older but she is usually the one to initiate contact. I don't believe this is her responsibility but I do not stop her reaching out.

Due to his obvious disinterest in her, and his family basically ignoring her existence, she has been seriously emotionally affected negatively. So much so that she no longer responds to her last name which is also his last name.

She goes by my last name. I have been contemplating a deed poll to legally change her last name. His name would still remain on her birth certificate as her father. She understands that I would need to legally change her name and she constantly asks that I do it.

The Issue: I am at the beginning stages of applying for sole custody and child maintenance. My lawyer said the courts may not look positively on the deed poll but it wouldn't really matter. However, I brought the deed poll up again with her father (that may have been a bad idea on my part.)

This time he said he will disown her if I do this as it seems she is embarrassed of her name and doesn't want to be part of his family. This threat doesn't matter to me but I know this will negatively affect my daughter emotionally.

She already feels abandoned by him and his family. I honestly don't think anything would change other than him openly denying her.

So WIBTA if I still went ahead and did the deed poll?

Let's see what readers had to say:

crekms writes:

You need to stop feeding information to this man. Focus your energy on getting sole custody and cutting him out of her life. He has no value here, he is abusive and toxic and all he is going to do is harm your child.

Once you've got sole custody sorted, change her name and don't even tell him about it. You've done an incredibly hard thing by escaping from this relationship. Now you've accomplished the hardest part don't invite the drama back into your life by communicating with him as if he's a reasonable person. He isn't.

Edited to add: YWBTA if you pushed the issue now when you have bigger things to focus on. Promise your daughter you'll legally change her name when the other legalities are cleared. Maybe plan a little celebration or a tradition for the two of you to mark that so she has it to look forward to.

loala876 writes:

YWNBTA but I don't think you should go through deed poll. Her father's not interested in her as anything more than the occasional extension of himself and this is affecting your daughter negatively. Changing her surname and cutting him off that way will likely be a good start to her feeling like she is wanted.

If you're in the UK though, a lot of places will not accept a deed poll or change of name deed if it hasn't been signed by both parents.

If he's not willing to let you change the name you're going to have a hard time having her new surname recognised. If you're going through the courts for divorce and custody you can ask them to change the name at the same time and it will be recognised regardless of what the father says or does.

Echoing others advice that, while lines of communication should be open between you and your ex, it's not healthy for your daughter.

Keep records of everything, only communicate by text so you have physical evidence. If you have any police reports, or if you previously reached out to a support service like Women's Aid, try and find anything they may have sent you.

tastaydus6 writes:

NYWNBTA.Your daughter will understand and be ashamed to carry that man’s name when she is old enough to know anyway.

Focus on what you can do to make your daughter feel loved and embraced. Boost her confidence and trust. Let her know you always have her back.

Also teach her the irrelevance of people who are not interested in her and who ignore her. Teach her this kind of behaviour says nothing about her she still is a great person and loveable, but a lot about the person displaying said behaviour. So she can say, “Their loss.” Instead of feeling bad.

Don’t prevent her from initiating contact if that is the way you decided to go, although I would if I were you this man has threatened to kill her after all, but also don’t encourage her to do so.

Let her know it is completely ok not to if she doesn’t want to. She shouldn’t feel any obligation whatsoever neither for initiating contact or answering when contact has been initiated by him. Monitor closely all communication between them And you yourself have to cut the line of communication and stop telling him anything.